Wednesday, November 21, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
She is still in the bassinet in our room at night and I am loving it! I know, I know, she is 3 months old and needs to be in her own bed! She'll be in there eventually but for now I am loving listening to the baby noises she makes at night and jumping at the chance to feed her in the wee hours of the morning. It is the only quiet time we have together and I love it! We listen to the owls and coyotes in the field and I look into her big, blue eyes and try not to talk to her. She is such a little grunter when she eats and sighs so cute too. I never thought I would like 3am as much as I do! Lucy and I pray for our friends and I treasure every little puff of air she blows on my cheek. I treasure each little noise and remember how quiet it was last year this time at 3am! Oh my heart is so full and being touched so softly by my sweet Jesus.
Tuesday, July 03, 2007
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
I got back home, called my mom and have decided that today will probably be the day. I am sitting on the exercise ball and Oliver has asked me if he could have the ball, "I need it mom to play a game." Oh Oliver!! I am also beginning to remember the lack of privacy that is about to happen to me....all my parts out there for people to see. Hmmm, is that why people do homebirth so they can keep their crotch private?! But, the reality is that I do not care who sees what....I am having a healthy baby today and that is something that I want to tell everyone. So, if you are reading this on the 27th, will you pray for all of us. Pray for peace, a smooth delivery, a healthy baby and a clam mama and daddy? I am so looking forward to sharing good news soon.
Guess I better go find my watch and start timing these. Maybe Oliver will get this ball back soon.
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
Tuesday, May 01, 2007
Thursday, March 15, 2007
Keeping a quiet heart is a good place to be, thinking on the things that are true and and standing on the firm foundation that is beneath my feet.
Monday, March 12, 2007
Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. See synonyms at pity.
The attribution of one's own feelings to an object.
[EN–2 + –PATHY (translation of German Einfühlung).]
grace (grās) n.
Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.
An excellence or power granted by God.
God's undeserved, unmerited favor.
These are simple terms that maybe we use to much and truly do not understand the meaning of.
I just have a few questions that I may or may not know the answer to.....these are just a few of the things that are making me fired up!
Is there a limit on the grace that we are able or willing to extend to people? Is there a limit to the grace that is extended to us from God? Do you we really want to know what will happen if God's grace runs out for us? Do we do things for others expecting something in return? Do we have to make everything about us? Why do we place time limits on people's grieving process? Why do some people think that getting pregnant after a loss is like getting a new puppy that will make everything better? Do we need to apologize for doing what we feel is best for our family, even if others may not agree with it? Why do people have such high expectations of one another? Why do people do things just to be noticed and thanked? Do people realize they are missing the message of the gospel when we make life all about ourselves? Why do I let people hurt my heart so much? Why do I care?
I know these are a lot of questions that I am laying before the throne and asking God to help me resolve these in time....I want to be able to leave the questions that are unanswerable and learn from the ones that can be answered. My quivering heart cannot take much more of this.....it is already so fragile.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Monday, February 26, 2007
Monday, February 19, 2007
I knew that we would survive whatever the news would be and that we would continue to cling to Him in all things. I am so thankful for the good news...thankful that our roots go down deep even in the times where there seem to be no leaves on our tree. There is a big sycamore tree in our neighbors yard that I see every morning...right now it is ugly and has no leaves on it and is blown around and frozen most of the time these days. I do know that in a couple more months this tree will have huge, green leaves on it and will be beautiful. This tree survives the harsh winters because it's roots go down deep and is nourished even in the times the land is dry. I feel like that is where we are right now....the leaves were shaken off our tree for a season, but our roots went down deep and we hung onto the source of our strength. We did our best to fight of disease and stayed close to our provider..even lifted our dry branches to Him when it took all we had to stand. We will flourish again...the leaves will come back. First the tiny buds, then great big leaves that will be like the oak tree that Is. 61 talks about....a display of His splendor. I want that and am looking forward to this next season of our lives. I do know that there will be other season when the leaves will fall and we will fee dry, but we will never uproot ourselves looking for another source. We are camped in the land of hope...we have walked through the valley of sorrows and are walking toward the river of joy. Our roots need some of that kind of water, so our leaves will grow and be a picture of His redemption for all to see. When I get afraid I will continue to trust Him....no matter what. Thankful for the other trees that are around us as a display of His splendor. What a forest we live in....wanting the light to filter in and shine so all the trees are nourished.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
He is doing better after an overnight stay in the hospital on Saturday for some IV steroids, IV fluid and oxygen. I was teary last night when I went into his room and heard that for the first time I can remember he was breathing quietly...let me say that again....quietly through his nose. He is still waking up at night 3 or 4 times becsue his throat hurts, but I think he is getting better. Being up at night makes me even more anxious to have a hungry baby in my arms in those wee hours of the morning.....for now I will have to settle for a crying 5 year old with dragon breath refusing to take some more Tylenol at 3am! I do love him so much!
Just 2 funny stories from our time....On Wednesday night last week we heard Oliver crying upstairs and knew Roark was with him. Josh and I ran up the stairs ready to pounce on whoever was hurting Oliver! The boys were standing in the bathroom wiping the blood from Oliver's mouth....Roark pulled Oliver's barely loose tooth in just a few yanks! Brings new meaning to just wanting to hurt yourself when you feel so bad! Oliver was so proud of this new space in his mouth. A bit later I walked by the trash can and saw something white with blood spots all over it. Hmmm...as I unfolded this I discovered it was the underwear Roark had on that day! After asking our budding dentist a few questions I discovered that Roark had used this pair of dirty underwear to pull Oliver's tooth! Gross! The next day Oliver asked for his popsicle stick, quietly went upstairs and a while later returned with another tooth in his hand and announced that he used the popsicle stick to push his tooth out! These 2 boys are going to always going to keep us on our toes!
A few days later I was mixing up medicine for Oliver and for the first time he saw me mix 2 kinds into the same syringe. He was horrified and I stammered and told him I had been doing this all week and it was just like one kind of medicine. He looked at me with big tears in his eyes and said in the saddest voice ever,"Mom, this is the first time you have ever lied to me and I can't believe it." Poor Oliver!
So, we are coming out of the land of snoring and hopefully into some more sleep filled nights. I am continuing to wrestle with my fears and have finally scheduled our "Big Ultrasound" for the 15th. I am nervous, but trying to remember that He will never leave us or forsake us. I just so want to have good news and be able to start telling people that there is another one on the way here and it is going to be a healthy baby. The times I start questioning God and wondering what he is doing and why I am reminded of his response to Job after he is trying to "figure out" what GOD is doing and why all this has happened to him. God so eloquently reminds Job who he is and even asks him if he was there when HE laid the foundations of the earth. Was Job the one who told the sun to rise, told the stars where to go, could he raise his voice and tell the clouds to flood where you stand, do the lightening bolts report to you? I have to chuckle when I read this and then am so thankful that I am not in charge of all those things and so many others. GOD is and he is good. God even cares where and how the ostrich lays her eggs.....He is so much bigger than I could ever imagine and does care about all those seemingly little things that swirl around in my head, but who am I to question why he does what he does?! We are at his mercy and do want him to do what he wants with us...even when it hurts. But, I do know he loves us and treats us so tenderly even when we do question. He is quietly calming my heart and I am trusting him. In the end Job continued to trust God with all of his heart and blessed him with more then he ever sould have even imagined....God even doubled the number of children he had...he had 20 children with him when he went to heaven! We are trusting and hoping with all hope for the best report ever about this baby next week.
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Could take the place of drawing near to You
There’s nothing I want more than to spend my days with You
Dwelling in Your secret place of praise
(And) oh, how I need You Jesus, I need You
You are the One that satisfies
You are the One that satisfies
~ Nothing In This World, Written by Tim Hughes©1998 Thankyou Music / PRS / Admin. by worshiptogether.com Songs for the world excluding the UK and Europe which is admin. by Kingsway
Just found this on another blog I like to visit...healedwaters.wordpress.com/
I feel as if I am a pan of popcorn popping with hot kernels spewing all over the place!! I am about ready to boil over in tears or a nasty eruption of anger. Can't quite figure out why, except that my mind is going in 100 different directions. One of those weeks, I guess. Frustrating after such a great weekend with a bunch of girls and I was feeling so full of hope and ready to face some of my fears. Funny how reality can change your plans so much.
I know God is calling me to trust Him in new ways and I also know I am holding back on that too. I'm sure that is fear holding me back...I really shouldn't be afraid of some of these things because I have already faced one of my biggest fears head on...I have buried a child. I should have nothing to be afraid of because Psalms says, "When I am afraid I will trust in God". I am teaching my children this verse and they are learning...with a mama who is afraid sometimes too is standing right beside them. I must say there are so many things we are not afraid of anymore because of what we have been through the last year. We are not afraid of dying and going to heaven...we talk about it alot and can hardly wait to be there. However, I am afraid of going through the pain again and what it would mean to place another one of my children in the arms of Jesus while I still can wear low rise jeans and not be too worried about the wrinkles!! You may ask why I am thinking of all this again?! Well, to the blog world that does not know and I hope that I did not miss anyone I should have told in person....we are pregnant again. I am 17 weeks....due 7.7.07!! We are nervous but excited too. I am battling the fear of the what if's on a daily basis, and often doing a pretty good job ignoring the fact that I have a set of twins growing on my chest and a pooch coming from my belly. Seems like if I can ignore this that all will be well. I have a twisted way of thinking sometimes! But, I am not ignoring the fact that I must let The Prince of Peace take every thought captive as well as think on the things I know are true. Often times during the day I have to remind myself of the things I know are true....1. There is a baby growing in my womb that we have no reason to believe is anything but healthy 2. God has commanded me not to be afraid and that he will never leave me or forsake me 3. I do know what it means to be held 4. God is a good God Then as I begin to recite these truths the Holy Spirit brings more thing to my mind and the fear slowly goes away.
Even the 23 Psalm is coming alive in new ways to me. The LORD is MY Shepard...can you wrap your head around that THE LORD is the one that is leading us? HE is guiding us and we will not be afraid, because he is a GOOD and attentive Shepard that will not let anything snatch us out of His mighty hand. However, we must let go of the things we hold onto so tightly so we can fall into the palm of his hand where he holds us so that nothing will be able to devour us. He is leading us beside the quiet waters. When I think about this part I wonder if you have to be lead by the roaring parts of the water to get to the quiet waters. The roaring waters are scary to watch, but as we let him gently lead us and prod us with his rod past the scary part the quiet streams await us.
I want to be able to be a sheep that knows his voice so I am able to be lead. A sheep that is cowering in the back of the pen because he is afraid of what is ahead, must not know the voice of his Shepard. When I hear His voice I want to go to the quiet waters and let him calm my fears. Oh how beautiful when we get to heaven and it is all quiet waters that we will walk side by side with our Shepard with no fear! Even the lions that are there will not be able to harm us...we will all be resting by the streams together. What a picture that my soul longs for. I want to be practicing that here, right now. Just like the old hymn, "Jesus, Jesus How I trust thee....Oh for grace to trust you more." I want to repent of my fear....and God knew we would have fears here on earth because the Bible tells us so much to, "Fear not!" That sounds like a command that I have been disobeying.....maybe I need to go sit on the step and fold my hands! Oh God, forgive me...I want to have your love in my heart that casts out all fear. I want to let you lead me out of the fold and beside the quiet waters. I know that tomorrow all I am writing will be put to the test. Oliver is having surgery tomorrow and I am so nervous...ok afraid is the right thing to call it. I do not want to have fear about it...I want God's peace to cover all of us. I want Oliver to be peaceful with no fear...we have been talking about not being afraid because God is with us. I need to really hang onto that for myself and Oliver too.
My heart feels lighter already....something about just putting it all out there. Maybe Josh will want to talk with me now that I am not quite like a hot pot of oil with popcorn kernels spewing all over the place! Praying for several of those that I know read this blog to be able to grasp how wide and how deep his love is for us....there is no fear in that kind of love. I am longing to know that myself too. Peace and sweet sleep for all!
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,And to take Him at His Word; Just to rest upon His promise, And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’erJesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!O for grace to trust Him more!
O how sweet to trust in Jesus,Just to trust His cleansing blood; And in simple faith to plunge me’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus, Just from sin and self to cease; Just from Jesus simply taking Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;And I know that Thou art with me,Wilt be with me to the end.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Friday, January 12, 2007
My mind has been so crowded with thoughts of our last few days with Pearl as well as how Jason and Adrienne were spending their time with Noah. They did all of this with such grace and so much faith. They have great faith because they are not afraid...there is no fear in that kind of faith. They have totally submitted themselves to the sovereignty of God and will trust Him even though they had to say goodbye to their son. I have been thinking about the goodbye part....I thought the days and hours before the goodbye were so precious. It was the time after the goodbye was final that was so hard. Picking up the pieces and figuring out who your family is now is the hard part. The Graves family will not be alone.....
When I told my kids today that Noah was in heaven with Jesus Roark said that was good and bad. I asked him why and he said, "Bad because they had to say goodbye and he died and good because he is all better in heaven. They will be sad for about 3 weeks and cry alot and then after that they won't cry all the time because it won't be as sad anymore." My precious 1st born! Oliver said with tears in his eye, "Oh mom how sad. But, Pearl is going to be so excited to have a new friend in heaven and she will really like him". Praying that Noah's sister Emily will have a fresh perspective of heaven as well and a longing to be there.....just like we do.
I can't stop thinking about the verse in Lamentations "Because of His great love we are not consumed." SO thankful for a love that consumes us and not grief.
Well done precious Noah, we will miss you and love you so much
Thursday, January 04, 2007
Roark and I have been reading aloud what he calls, "Pildrums Progress". Known to the rest of the world as "Pilgrims Progress". I remember starting this book when I was little but never getting to the end. Last night we finally finished the book! I wept as we read the last few pages, I think the boys were wondering what was wrong with me now. Christian and Hopeful, after a long and tiring journey were in the land right before they reached the gates of heaven. They had to cross over a raging river and then get the gates to open. Hopeful knew that after all they had been through they would be able to cross the river. Christian on the other hand was not sure he was going to be able to do this because the water was deep as raging. The man that stood at the waters edge told them it was only as deep as they believed it to be. I loved that.... They started crossing and Christian started freaking our. Hopeful was trying to encourage him as we walked because his feet were on solid ground...he was remembering all the ways The Prince (Jesus) has helped him along the journey and he knew he would not fail him as he came to the gates of heaven. Christian was doubting if he was going to make it, water swirling and the ground was no where to be felt. This is how I can feel so often...when I take my eyes off Jesus and doubt how I am ever going to make it. Hopeful came along side him and encouraged him to remember all the things The Prince had done for him....just like so many others have done for me. As soon as Christian began to remember there was solid ground beneath his feet. He was standing on a firm foundation because he had hope, hope that The Prince was going to lead him safely home and be true to his word that He would never leave him or forsake him. This is the solid foundation that lies beneath our feet when the waves threaten to overtake us. When the water seems to deep we need to remember what we are standing on. Because of His great love we are not consumed....I am holding onto that promise as the waves seem to be coming in. I want to swim out further past where the waves crash and just jump up as the swells begin to form. There is a safe place....the hiding place when all around the waves are crashing. This story of Christian and Hopeful moved my heart last night...I even dreamt about it. Roark told me he did too! There is a solid foundation beneath my feet...I just need to stand on that!