Thursday, June 19, 2008

Mima- No matter how long...its still to short!

We found out 5 days ago that my sweet grandma, my kids call her mima, has Stage 4 cancer in her abdomen. It isn't going to be very long until she gets to go meet Jesus! I can't even believe my sweet 93 year old grandma has cancer. Just doesn't seem right....lately nothing has seemed right. I just want the spinning to stop....for just a bit so I can catch my breath. My grandma is the sweetest woman you have ever met. She is also one of the spunkiest ladies I know. I have so many incredible memories of her and know there are more to come...even if the time here is short. I know she is ready to meet Jesus and to be with her sweet husband again. She loves so well and is so courageous.

As I spend time with my grandma I feel like I am walking back into the days when Pearl was alive and moving in my belly. Each moment I felt her move I was reminded it could be the last time I felt her and I held onto each gentle little kick. I knew I needed to stay in the moment and not let my mind go to the day we were going to have to say goodbye. I drank in each sunrise with Pearl as well as each sunset. All without going to the scary place of goodbye...I knew it was only God's grace carrying me through those precious moments. I didn't want her to be born because it meant goodbye and long wait to say hello again....but I knew the moment would come that we had to say goodbye. The goodbye was a holy moment and I know it is going to be the same way when we say goodbye to my grandma. We are drinking in each second we are able to caress her head, rub her leg and just look at her wrinkled hands. I am savoring this time like a hot cup of tea....I just don't want the tea to get cold and the goodbyes to be said. I know it will end...just like our time with Pearl did...but I am so longing for the day we are all together more "stinkin goodbyes", as Zoe would say!

Here are the lyrics, just for you mom :) to the song we have been playing over and over....Selah and Christy Nockels "Faithful One"

I find no hope within to call my own
For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone
But deep within my soul is rising up a song
Here in the comfort of the faithful one

I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on.
For I am guided by the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful, Faithful, so faithful to me

I see your wounded hands, I touch your side
With thorns upon your brow you bled and died
But there’s an empty tomb, a love for all who come
And give their hearts to you, the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end, My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful, Faithful, so faithful to me

And when the day is dawned and when the race is run I will bow down before God’s only Son And I will lift my hands in praise for all you’ve done And I will worship you, my faithful one.

Go listen to this one now....close your eyes and see His hand gently leading us so faithfully. I'm doing that now with a longing in my heart to run and bow down at his feet with Pearl right at my side.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008


On Thursday it will be 2 years since I have held Pearl in my arms.....I can't even believe how that sentence looks in print. So strange to hear how final that sounds. This isn't a dream...we really did say hello and goodbye all in one breath to our baby. We really did sit under a green tent sitting on fuzzy chairs on a hot summer day and listen as our Pastor prayed over our sweet babys casket. I can't believe I had to say goodbye to a baby that I actually held in my arms. Almost to much for me to take in right now. I do know that He is carrying me and I am thankful for each step I have taken. He has already walked this road and is in each step I take. I can say He is good and I do trust Him...even in the midst of the heartache.

This has been a hard few days here and I know the days that follow are going to be hard too. Tonight as I looked at the pink clouds in the sky I could feel my sweet Pearl snuggled on my chest and my chin resting on the top of her head. I wept as I drove, thanking God for the memory that has not faded away. I miss her so much.....

We will be together as a family remembering our baby and celebrating her life....remember with me how she has changed your life. I know she has changed mine and for that I will be forever grateful.

God, will you please be sure to video her Birthday party? I know she has made so many new friends in the past few months. Give her Birthday kisses for me and please dance with her too. Maybe there is even a pretty pink Birthday Princess dress she could wear. Whisper in her ear how much I love her and how much I miss her too. Thank her for being so brave and for the gift of her baby sister too. Tell her we are going to pierce L's ears with little Pearl earrings on her Birthday. L needs a way to remember too.....One more thing, give her three little kisses because that is how we always kiss everyone here too.