Friday, February 29, 2008

Praying instead of making this another complicated post full of questions, I am going to write what the kids and I read at breakfast this morning. I bought them the Jesus Storybook Bible last year and we so enjoy this version. So easy to understand and it always touches my heart too. This is how The Lord's Prayer appears.....

Hello Daddy!
We want to know you.
And be close you you.
Please show us how.
Make everything in the world right again.
And in our hearts, too.
Do what is best-just like you do in heaven,
And please do it down here too.
Please give us everything we need today.
Forgive us for doing wrong, for hurting you.
Forgive us just as we forgive other people
when they hurt us.
Rescue us! We need you.
We don't want to keep running away
and hiding from you.
Keep us safe from our enemies.
You're strong, God.
You can do whatever you want.
You are in charge.
Now and forever and always!
We think you're great!
Yes we do!
So thankful for His never ending love. I'm going to go run right into His big, strong arms now....hopefully I'll see you there.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Oh...I think I may be manic! I have been sick for a few days...and now I am not tired and have 1,000 things running through my head. Where to begin? I had a great talk with someone about getting the PH (Perinatal Hospice) started and have some great ideas. I feel like God gave me a name, logo idea and even colors. I have a few people I want to ask to be on the board. My brochure for parents is nearly all written as well as the mission statement. Problem's all in my head and not written down anywhere! I will be writing down some tonight.

I am feeling an urge to get this started....all the while wrestling with God on some big questions. Like...Why do we even need a PH in the first place? Hmmm big question! I know the answer is because the world in not perfect, there is sin here and the tears and suffering will not be gone until Jesus comes back for us. Just hard to know that in your head as well as your heart...suffering is hard, it is all around us and it does happen to people who you would never expect it to happen to. I want to trust in His goodness and know that when we do pray and ask for something His word says He will do it....SO what does it mean when what we pray for does not happen? I am not talking about winning the lottery, losing 20 pounds or a donation for plastic surgery! I am talking about creating a brain for your child, healing your child from a disease so he can live, straightening a septum for a sweet boy who does not want to have surgery again! These are not gumball machine requests....I have prayed all of these with my whole heart and the prayers were not answered here! So, I guess that the answer to prayer happened when some of these children died and went to heaven and are healed now, and the answer for the crooked septum is ear plugs for the boy that shares a room with the snorer! When Jesus was talking to his disciples was there more faith 2,000 years ago and they really could tell a mtn to jump into the lake and it would do it? Is our world so full of sin now that the answer to prayer is that God's love sustains us through the suffering and he heals our wounded hearts? Maybe.....

I do know that he is a good God who does love me...the sun does shine and I want to sit in the warmth of the sun and let him heal these painful areas in my heart. I want to be able to sit and ask the hard questions and stop pushing them away for fear that I may scream and not be able to stop. Don't tell me he is big enough to handle the questions and the anger. I know that....I guess it's just me that isn't strong enough to handle all of it. Hmmm that is probably right where he wants my weakest so he can be strong. Guess I'm right where I need to be because I am feeling pretty weak.

Thursday, February 21, 2008

I need to write....anybody have a spare 12 hours?!

I need to be sitting here everyday writing...I have compsed so many blogs in my head the past few months they just never make it to the computer. My little Lucy is full of so much kids are so good for my heart! Lucy is a drooling machine with cheeks I could eat and a laugh that makes my heart leap! Anytime she makes a peep there are 5 people at her side wanting to know what they can do to make it better. What a gift!

So many things swirling around my little daylight to get it all out. Guess that is why I am not sleeping well because the night is the quietest time of the day. It has been a very intense past few months....full of so many emotions. Good emotions.
I have a new friend who feels like I have known her my whole life...I love that God had this friendship planned from the beginning. Our lives are so much the same and the people we know are so many of the same too. She knows someone my mom went to grade school with! Corie and I also have something else very difficult in common.....we both have babies waiting for us in heaven. Not only that but our babies both had Alobar HPE....we were both given the same diagnosis at 20 week ultrasounds. I feel in love with this family as soon as we met and was so honored that they allowed me to be a part of their journey. On the morning of Larson's delivery I was getting ready and read a quick devotional as I cried out to God to help me walk through this delivery. I didn't know how I would be as I watched a family I loved so much hand their sweet baby into the arms of Jesus. I was crying already....I knew this was not about me...I wanted to give them hope...the same kind of hope I had. I read the scripture, "He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it,he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 I wept as I read this and knew that God was not surprised at the timing of this...before I thought I was ready to be a part of this again He brought someone else into my life and allowed me to comfort the way I was comforted. I love how he works! I am always so amazed when He uses me.... I was able to be at Larson's delivery and watch as their family held him in their arms for 23 hours before he went to be with Jesus. Such a tender time....I was able to hold him too and ask him to please kiss Pearl for me and tell her how much I love her. I know she was waiting to welcome Larson and I'm sure he did just what I asked him to do. The moments were almost overwhelming at times because it seems like yesterday that we were doing the same thing....but at the same time it feels like so long ago we were holding her in our arms. I am so proud of this family and how they are walking this journey....I am honored to be a part of their path and thank God daily for what they mean to me. There is another family in another state too who had a baby just like Pearl....even had a sweet nose like Pearl....we are all talking and stand in awe of what a big God we serve who can make this world seem so small.
In the midst of all this, things have been coming together, slowly, to get a Perinatal Hospice set up here. We have been interviewed by some people and word is out that we want to get this started! I so want to get this started so families can know there is hope and help on this journey. I want them to know they are not alone....if only I had unlimited money and time it would happen much faster. I know this is all in God's timing...He is working in this. I am going to get to write my book someday and have many baskets available for families with resources to help them.
I am thankful I am able to be walking in a valley that is not always so dark and it is filled with sounds of laughter on the sunny days. The tears are still there too....but it is not a hopeless kind of crying. Tears and laughter are good things....I need to let myself do more of both.