Wednesday, February 27, 2008


Oh...I think I may be manic! I have been sick for a few days...and now I am not tired and have 1,000 things running through my head. Where to begin? I had a great talk with someone about getting the PH (Perinatal Hospice) started and have some great ideas. I feel like God gave me a name, logo idea and even colors. I have a few people I want to ask to be on the board. My brochure for parents is nearly all written as well as the mission statement. Problem's all in my head and not written down anywhere! I will be writing down some tonight.

I am feeling an urge to get this started....all the while wrestling with God on some big questions. Like...Why do we even need a PH in the first place? Hmmm big question! I know the answer is because the world in not perfect, there is sin here and the tears and suffering will not be gone until Jesus comes back for us. Just hard to know that in your head as well as your heart...suffering is hard, it is all around us and it does happen to people who you would never expect it to happen to. I want to trust in His goodness and know that when we do pray and ask for something His word says He will do it....SO what does it mean when what we pray for does not happen? I am not talking about winning the lottery, losing 20 pounds or a donation for plastic surgery! I am talking about creating a brain for your child, healing your child from a disease so he can live, straightening a septum for a sweet boy who does not want to have surgery again! These are not gumball machine requests....I have prayed all of these with my whole heart and the prayers were not answered here! So, I guess that the answer to prayer happened when some of these children died and went to heaven and are healed now, and the answer for the crooked septum is ear plugs for the boy that shares a room with the snorer! When Jesus was talking to his disciples was there more faith 2,000 years ago and they really could tell a mtn to jump into the lake and it would do it? Is our world so full of sin now that the answer to prayer is that God's love sustains us through the suffering and he heals our wounded hearts? Maybe.....

I do know that he is a good God who does love me...the sun does shine and I want to sit in the warmth of the sun and let him heal these painful areas in my heart. I want to be able to sit and ask the hard questions and stop pushing them away for fear that I may scream and not be able to stop. Don't tell me he is big enough to handle the questions and the anger. I know that....I guess it's just me that isn't strong enough to handle all of it. Hmmm that is probably right where he wants my weakest so he can be strong. Guess I'm right where I need to be because I am feeling pretty weak.


Sophie said...

Love you, miss you! So proud of you-

Mikki said...

I was suprised to hear that you are feeling weak. As I was reading your post, I was noticing that you sound so strong and full of so many ideas and places to focus some of your sorrow. Eventhough I am far now, I am still right here if you need to talk. I can't imagine your grief, but I love you and I miss you!

Nicole said...

My eyes spring to tears at the thought of you sometimes because I can't thank the Lord enough for placing you in my life. My heart longs to live closer and walk the everyday road together encouraging, loving, crying and laughing together. What an amazing example you are. I am blessed to call you my friend. I am so excited about your calling for this PH. Wow those are Pearl's initials also. God is amazing. I don't understand Him very often and I'm glad I don't. It makes me keep asking questions and bowing my knee to His cross daily. Thank you for being you. God teaches me so many things through you. Continue to be a vessel for Him. Even when it's hard. I love you!