Monday, February 26, 2007

Who am I?

I have been trying to figure out lately who I am! You would think that a 33 almost 34 year old would have some sort of an idea of who she is or at least who she wants to be. No, not me! Josh has been talking about a job change again and it seems as if this one may happen. We won't know for a few more days but if he does get this he will be traveling 6-8 days a month. Now, that may not sound like very much to some of you, but he has never traveled before and I still cry every time he leaves for a trip without me. I can't sleep when he is gone, the kids miss him so much and I am not sure how I will handle this. Now, all this is what got me started on wondering who I am. I think the Laura of a year ago could have handled the thought of her husband going away for those days...I would just do it and make the best of it. But, because I was pregnant for 8 months and said goodbye to that baby, was so sad for so long and probably depressed at times, not pregnant for 4 months and now pregnant again with a new baby due in 4 months!! I don't even remember what it feels like to be me. I know that the person I was before last year will never be back and in some ways that is good, but it is also hard at the same time to figure out if I have it in me to just be stable. It has been so long since I have been truly happy, not tired or sad. I think I am in survival mode right now and am sure that I will need some kind of counseling when this baby arrives to deal with all the emotions that are going to go along with that. I guess it will be counseling or a month with Josh at a beach resort! When Josh asked me if I could handle being without him for those days every other week I didn't know how to answer because I really didn't know how I would be. I do know that things will level out emotionally a bit when I have this baby and we will both be so excited to be holding a baby in our arms! The things I am worried about are small things and really I shouldn't be worrying anyway. As I was fretting about all this and trying to figure out who I am I was reminded by that still, small voice that I do know whose I am! I will always be taken care of because of who I belong to and He will never leave me or forsake me. SO...I guess that is all I need to know is whose I am, and the who am I will fall into place!

6 comments:

Shanygne said...

Oh, friend, I feel the same way!

Reading your post made me remember that part of what we are going thru is HORMONES!! It's GOT to be, right? I was pregnant with Ethan, just getting out of hormones when I got pregnant with Morgen, lost her, then got pregnant with this one nine months later, and now am in full-tilt hormones again, as well as dealing with another pregnancy after such a loss...

Oh, it's making such sense, now! Making it better, not sure, but making more sense than a few minutes a ago, yes!! Thanks for opening my eyes again, friend!!

Anonymous said...

Ya know Laura, I felt like I didn't know who I was the year after dad died, and I was really grieving him. It comforted me to know that someone else feels that while their grieving, because it is such a weird and scary feeling.
I can't even imagine losing a child and the grief that it brings. My heart ached when mom told me the news of your little one. I am so very sorry.
I'll be praying about the new job and the new baby on the way!!!

much love,
Joy MacMurchy<><

Sophie said...

When you are having trouble figuring out who you are, I KNOW you are lots of things...a wonderful, caring, loving mom, superb wife, a fabulous chef, an awesome woman after God's heart, a compassionate, thoughtful, loving friend, a creative, artistic person, a considerate, funny, empathetic, amazing SISTER! Love you- Sophie

Shanygne said...

Hoping today brings lots of joy and lots of YOU... I totally get it, friend... I haven't been "me" for a very long time.

Adrienne said...

I am praying for you and thinking of you today! You can do it and you'll be great at whatever God puts on your plate, no matter how you feel, because His strength is sufficient when we don't feel like it...love you!

Kim said...

I hope you are doing better and feeling more settled in whatever is going to happen in your lives. I feel like you do quite often and I am not facing any of the things you are facing. You and your family will be in our prayers.