Birthday time....

May is a huge Birthday month in our family. The last 2 days of April are my mom and nephew's Birthday, my brother's is the 1st, sister's is the 7th and mine is the 27th. Busy month....then on June 5th is Pearl's Birthday. I was sort of holding my breath as we prepared to remember Pearl's day on the 5th and honestly not quite sure how it would all feel. We are anticipating the birth of our baby sometime the end of this month and even with all of that going on I found myself missing Pearl in such a deep way. On the 5th both Josh and I woke up at almost the same time...7:09am to be exact....Pearl was born at 7:11am on June 5th. It was surreal as we lay there holding each other as I silently wept. Remembering all we had been through the 24 hours before her birth and then the actual moment she arrived in our arms. I remembered as my parents, pastor and nurse gathered around my hospital bed as I held my baby and presented her back into the arms of Jesus. We played the song, "Visitor From Heaven" and I believe that as we played that song her heart beat its final beats here on earth. It was a moment I will never forget and I know that if we would have listened really closely we could have heard angel wings as well as the great cloud of witnesses surrounding us welcoming her into heaven. As we lay in bed I couldn't believe that this year had really happened to us...this was all real, we are really different and we really do have a child waiting for us in heaven. I know I have known that for this whole year but the reality of that really hit me. The longing I have to be in heaven was so much deeper this week. I know that she does not miss us, because we will be there with her in just a blink of an eye. But, I miss her so much....I am so thankful for her life, even though it was so brief. She has changed me and so many others. What a gift we were able to hold in our arms for just a short time. I was very teary the rest of the day on the 5th this week and cried more as night came. The grief was very raw and the hole in my heart so obvious. I was reminded of the words that God has planted in my heart, "There is freedom to hope"....hope that means so much. The kind of hope that is unable to be grasped until you have walked through the depths of grief and really entered into the suffering of Christ. Each time this baby inside me moves I am reminded of the hope that is physically growing in me and a hope that I am going to be able to hold in my hands in a few short weeks. This has been a long road this year and I am so thankful for those who were not afraid to enter into our grief and stay on the road with us. I was lonely at times, but knew I was never alone. It takes brave friends to walk closely with someone who is in the depths of sorrow....thank you to all of you who have stood by so close. We are thankful to have this first year behind us, not forgetting our Pearl, but moving forward into a new chapter in our book. We will never forget....I love you Pearl and am so proud to call you my daughter. What a brave girl you were and taught us so much. I can hardly wait to put may face in your thick black curls and whisper how much I love you. Until then, we will keep telling others about you and how much Jesus loves them. I love you Princess!