I feel as if I am a pan of popcorn popping with hot kernels spewing all over the place!! I am about ready to boil over in tears or a nasty eruption of anger. Can't quite figure out why, except that my mind is going in 100 different directions. One of those weeks, I guess. Frustrating after such a great weekend with a bunch of girls and I was feeling so full of hope and ready to face some of my fears. Funny how reality can change your plans so much.
I know God is calling me to trust Him in new ways and I also know I am holding back on that too. I'm sure that is fear holding me back...I really shouldn't be afraid of some of these things because I have already faced one of my biggest fears head on...I have buried a child. I should have nothing to be afraid of because Psalms says, "When I am afraid I will trust in God". I am teaching my children this verse and they are learning...with a mama who is afraid sometimes too is standing right beside them. I must say there are so many things we are not afraid of anymore because of what we have been through the last year. We are not afraid of dying and going to heaven...we talk about it alot and can hardly wait to be there. However, I am afraid of going through the pain again and what it would mean to place another one of my children in the arms of Jesus while I still can wear low rise jeans and not be too worried about the wrinkles!! You may ask why I am thinking of all this again?! Well, to the blog world that does not know and I hope that I did not miss anyone I should have told in person....we are pregnant again. I am 17 weeks....due 7.7.07!! We are nervous but excited too. I am battling the fear of the what if's on a daily basis, and often doing a pretty good job ignoring the fact that I have a set of twins growing on my chest and a pooch coming from my belly. Seems like if I can ignore this that all will be well. I have a twisted way of thinking sometimes! But, I am not ignoring the fact that I must let The Prince of Peace take every thought captive as well as think on the things I know are true. Often times during the day I have to remind myself of the things I know are true....1. There is a baby growing in my womb that we have no reason to believe is anything but healthy 2. God has commanded me not to be afraid and that he will never leave me or forsake me 3. I do know what it means to be held 4. God is a good God Then as I begin to recite these truths the Holy Spirit brings more thing to my mind and the fear slowly goes away.
Even the 23 Psalm is coming alive in new ways to me. The LORD is MY Shepard...can you wrap your head around that THE LORD is the one that is leading us? HE is guiding us and we will not be afraid, because he is a GOOD and attentive Shepard that will not let anything snatch us out of His mighty hand. However, we must let go of the things we hold onto so tightly so we can fall into the palm of his hand where he holds us so that nothing will be able to devour us. He is leading us beside the quiet waters. When I think about this part I wonder if you have to be lead by the roaring parts of the water to get to the quiet waters. The roaring waters are scary to watch, but as we let him gently lead us and prod us with his rod past the scary part the quiet streams await us.
I want to be able to be a sheep that knows his voice so I am able to be lead. A sheep that is cowering in the back of the pen because he is afraid of what is ahead, must not know the voice of his Shepard. When I hear His voice I want to go to the quiet waters and let him calm my fears. Oh how beautiful when we get to heaven and it is all quiet waters that we will walk side by side with our Shepard with no fear! Even the lions that are there will not be able to harm us...we will all be resting by the streams together. What a picture that my soul longs for. I want to be practicing that here, right now. Just like the old hymn, "Jesus, Jesus How I trust thee....Oh for grace to trust you more." I want to repent of my fear....and God knew we would have fears here on earth because the Bible tells us so much to, "Fear not!" That sounds like a command that I have been disobeying.....maybe I need to go sit on the step and fold my hands! Oh God, forgive me...I want to have your love in my heart that casts out all fear. I want to let you lead me out of the fold and beside the quiet waters. I know that tomorrow all I am writing will be put to the test. Oliver is having surgery tomorrow and I am so nervous...ok afraid is the right thing to call it. I do not want to have fear about it...I want God's peace to cover all of us. I want Oliver to be peaceful with no fear...we have been talking about not being afraid because God is with us. I need to really hang onto that for myself and Oliver too.
My heart feels lighter already....something about just putting it all out there. Maybe Josh will want to talk with me now that I am not quite like a hot pot of oil with popcorn kernels spewing all over the place! Praying for several of those that I know read this blog to be able to grasp how wide and how deep his love is for us....there is no fear in that kind of love. I am longing to know that myself too. Peace and sweet sleep for all!
’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,And to take Him at His Word; Just to rest upon His promise, And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”
Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’erJesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!O for grace to trust Him more!
O how sweet to trust in Jesus,Just to trust His cleansing blood; And in simple faith to plunge me’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus, Just from sin and self to cease; Just from Jesus simply taking Life and rest, and joy and peace.
I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;And I know that Thou art with me,Wilt be with me to the end.