Thankful

Can it really be the day before Thanksgiving? I so want time to just slow down a bit.....I want to be intentional about remembering how much I have to be thankful for. Not just tomorrow but each day....my list is so long. I must say at the top of my list is the precious baby in the pumpkin! Lucy continues to bring so much joy into our lives....and into the lives of our other precious kids! One night this week while we were eating dinner and Lucy was laying in her bouncy seat...she begin to fuss. All at once 5 other chairs scooted out from the table to see what the baby needed! It melts my heart to see how attentive they are to her.

I am also thankful for a holiday season that our hearts will be a bit lighter. Last year was so hard...still in deep grief over Pearl and very newly pregnant with Lucy. Wondering if we would ever have another baby in the house again. I didn't even want to go to the gorcery store much less the mall....just to hard. I am thankful that I feel like celebrating this time of year....thankful the shadows are not always big and dark. Not to say the shadows are not there sometimes....just getting easier to see around them.

I am thankful for the friends and family we have around us who continue to love us so well and continue to laugh and cry with us. Without these people life would be so hard and pretty boring! We have been blessed with so much and I want to remember all these things even when life seems hard and busy. I want to be reminded to slow down and treasure all the gifts.....

Time to catch up

Wow....is time flying! Lucy is almost 3 months old! I can hardly believe it.....she continues to be such a joy to all of us. Cooing at her brothers and sister, melting her mama's and daddy's heart. Each time I look at her I am reminded of God's faithfulness through the joys as well as the sorrows. Seems like the sadness and questions have been popping up again lately for me. Not sure what the trigger is but as usual, I am just going with it. Pressing into the pain and letting His garment envelop my sore heart. SO thankful for His mercies that are new every morning.

She is still in the bassinet in our room at night and I am loving it! I know, I know, she is 3 months old and needs to be in her own bed! She'll be in there eventually but for now I am loving listening to the baby noises she makes at night and jumping at the chance to feed her in the wee hours of the morning. It is the only quiet time we have together and I love it! We listen to the owls and coyotes in the field and I look into her big, blue eyes and try not to talk to her. She is such a little grunter when she eats and sighs so cute too. I never thought I would like 3am as much as I do! Lucy and I pray for our friends and I treasure every little puff of air she blows on my cheek. I treasure each little noise and remember how quiet it was last year this time at 3am! Oh my heart is so full and being touched so softly by my sweet Jesus.

Introducing Lucy Jean

She's here....so much to write about and so much swirling around in my head. We are floating....so in love and thankful beyond words for the gift that has been given to us. Lucy Jean arrived at 1:30am on June 28th. A 6 1/2 hour labor with no epidural and 3 pushes....every second of the pain was so worth it. I needed to feel something physical for all of the months of pain that have been in my heart the past 18 months. We were so surprised that she was a girl....3 girls in a row we have! A pink little baby girl with a head full of black hair. Pearl was our only baby born with hair and hers was dark too! Just an extra gift from God that Lucy would have her sisters dark hair. I don't think we have stopped smiling and sometimes there are tears with the smiles too. Our family has changed so much...the joy as well as the peace are tangible. Roark is a different boy...the relief is something you can see on his face. Oliver is so in love and prays the sweetest prayers for her. Zoe is the doting big sister and Josh is a very proud father. We are so thankful.....there will be more words eventually but for now only one word....HOPE.

Just some labor laughs

So, I think today may be the day to meet this baby. Why am I sitting here typing instead of watching the clock and timing these contractions, some of you may ask?! I think I am in a bit of denial. Last night the contractions were 7-8 min. apart and were like that off and on during the night. I did get some sleep and had some crazy dreams too. I dreamt I delivered the baby in the ER parking lot in the car! Not exactly what I had in mind for my 5th delivery. So, I woke up early this morning and decided to go for a walk. Maybe a walk would help speed things up....put on my little running shorts a t-shirt of J's that is hard to pull over my belly, grabbed my i-pod and headed out the door. I was hauling up some hills and people would pass me from behind and then do a double take after they looked at this woman who looked like she swallowed a basketball. I just smiled a big smile and kept on singing to my Hillsong!

I got back home, called my mom and have decided that today will probably be the day. I am sitting on the exercise ball and Oliver has asked me if he could have the ball, "I need it mom to play a game." Oh Oliver!! I am also beginning to remember the lack of privacy that is about to happen to me....all my parts out there for people to see. Hmmm, is that why people do homebirth so they can keep their crotch private?! But, the reality is that I do not care who sees what....I am having a healthy baby today and that is something that I want to tell everyone. So, if you are reading this on the 27th, will you pray for all of us. Pray for peace, a smooth delivery, a healthy baby and a clam mama and daddy? I am so looking forward to sharing good news soon.

Guess I better go find my watch and start timing these. Maybe Oliver will get this ball back soon.

Almost there!

Ok, so we are just a few days away from meeting the newest addition to our family and I am sooo nervous. I was telling Josh that I feel like a first time mom all over again. Have I forgotten everything? I am not sure I even know what to expect....I know all this is silly because it is my 5th delivery and I will know what to do. I am just nervous. Asking God to continue to hold me close and hanging onto the words I know he has spoken to me during this journey. I really can hardly wait to be holding a baby in my arms....makes me cry to even think about it. Our time with this baby will not be rushed like it was with Pearl. I need to take a deep breath and realize that I do not need to have each detail of the day planned out and treasure and enjoy each moment. Not that I didn't treasure each moment with Pearl, but I had such a short amount of time to memorize each one her features and make a lifetime of memories in just one day. This baby will be so different....I am looking forward to just holding him or her and listening to her breathe, watching her flinch and most of all listening to her cry. That is the sound I am most looking forward to. I think my senses will be on overload and maybe even now they already are! I often feel like the nerves in my body are vibrating with anticipation...that is when I need the peace that can only come from God. Peace and a love that casts out all fear. I know He will be with us as we walk through the hospital doors, walk down the same hall that was the place of the longest wheelchair ride of my life, and he will be with us as we welcome a new life into our families. I am so thankful for each step we have taken these past 18 months and anticipating the sound of the river of joy that will be in our arms. I know there will be a lot of tears....happy and sad all at the same time. What a gift life is.....

Birthday time....

May is a huge Birthday month in our family. The last 2 days of April are my mom and nephew's Birthday, my brother's is the 1st, sister's is the 7th and mine is the 27th. Busy month....then on June 5th is Pearl's Birthday. I was sort of holding my breath as we prepared to remember Pearl's day on the 5th and honestly not quite sure how it would all feel. We are anticipating the birth of our baby sometime the end of this month and even with all of that going on I found myself missing Pearl in such a deep way. On the 5th both Josh and I woke up at almost the same time...7:09am to be exact....Pearl was born at 7:11am on June 5th. It was surreal as we lay there holding each other as I silently wept. Remembering all we had been through the 24 hours before her birth and then the actual moment she arrived in our arms. I remembered as my parents, pastor and nurse gathered around my hospital bed as I held my baby and presented her back into the arms of Jesus. We played the song, "Visitor From Heaven" and I believe that as we played that song her heart beat its final beats here on earth. It was a moment I will never forget and I know that if we would have listened really closely we could have heard angel wings as well as the great cloud of witnesses surrounding us welcoming her into heaven. As we lay in bed I couldn't believe that this year had really happened to us...this was all real, we are really different and we really do have a child waiting for us in heaven. I know I have known that for this whole year but the reality of that really hit me. The longing I have to be in heaven was so much deeper this week. I know that she does not miss us, because we will be there with her in just a blink of an eye. But, I miss her so much....I am so thankful for her life, even though it was so brief. She has changed me and so many others. What a gift we were able to hold in our arms for just a short time. I was very teary the rest of the day on the 5th this week and cried more as night came. The grief was very raw and the hole in my heart so obvious. I was reminded of the words that God has planted in my heart, "There is freedom to hope"....hope that means so much. The kind of hope that is unable to be grasped until you have walked through the depths of grief and really entered into the suffering of Christ. Each time this baby inside me moves I am reminded of the hope that is physically growing in me and a hope that I am going to be able to hold in my hands in a few short weeks. This has been a long road this year and I am so thankful for those who were not afraid to enter into our grief and stay on the road with us. I was lonely at times, but knew I was never alone. It takes brave friends to walk closely with someone who is in the depths of sorrow....thank you to all of you who have stood by so close. We are thankful to have this first year behind us, not forgetting our Pearl, but moving forward into a new chapter in our book. We will never forget....I love you Pearl and am so proud to call you my daughter. What a brave girl you were and taught us so much. I can hardly wait to put may face in your thick black curls and whisper how much I love you. Until then, we will keep telling others about you and how much Jesus loves them. I love you Princess!

Some Mother's Day Giveaways

Go to 5minutesformom.com to check out what they are giving away!

The party continues!

Just a few pictures! Silly kids....never a dull moment here! Josh and I were able to get away to San Fransisco ALONE for a few days last month.

Here we are on the Golden Gate Bridge. What a great time we had!

My point of view.....

Things are changing here in so many ways! Most noticeably is the shape of my belly!! This is the view I see when looking for my feet and I love it. I am almost 31 weeks now and getting anxious to hold a crying baby in my arms. We are even letting ourselves get excited about this....such a different story than last year at this time. When we were at Sam's the other day I started to cry when I saw the boxes of newborn baby diapers and realized that we will be having those in our house again so soon. Last year I did not go out to very many places because of all the baby stuff....too hard to see. Now this year it all seems to be popping out at me and the tears come when I realize that I am getting another turn. Even the blossoms on the trees are teeming with new life and this Spring I am not resenting the new life all around me. We are so thankful. The baby moves around all the time....especially after the 5 Otter Pops I just ate tonight. I love to sit with a pen on my belly and watch the tricks the pen does! There really is someone in there who gets to be at home with us....maybe in less than 8 weeks. We are getting ready to take a deep breath soon. Josh is ready to stop holding his breath and I am too, or at least take a deep breath without shuddering. I can almost feel the baby in my arms and see those little pink cheeks glistening with my tears of joy on them. I am letting myself think about having a baby in our bed in the mornings....OK, who am I kidding, it may be for most of the night too! Makes me weep to think about the reality that is ahead of us....finally not a reality that includes planning for a hello and a goodbye so soon. We did so much preparing to say goodbye to Pearl and now, preparing to say a long hello without a goodbye to quickly follow feels so....is there even a word for how I am feeling? All that I know is I can hardly wait and just want a baby in my arms, warm cheeks to kiss, feet to rub, hands to smell and quiet nights to sit and rock. The emotions are wide and many at this point, but from this view all is well and He is faithful. Gently leading us in the tender way only our Father can.....

The kids are getting excited too! Zoe is sure this is a baby sister and her name is Cherry! I asked her last week what if the baby is a brother...she told me, with the most serious look in her eyes, "If it is a brother you will love it and if it is a sister I will love it!" Oh, sweet Zoe. Oliver is very protective of me and does not ever want me to bend down and pick up anything or bump into anything, "because if you do you may hurt the baby. I'll get it for you mom." He is a little gentleman. Roark is always wanting to know if the baby is moving and how much longer until the baby is here. He is such a little helper too! No names yet....the kids have a lot of suggestions but nothing serious yet. We'll know when this little one arrives what the name will be...or I guess we are hoping so.

Thankful for the view around us that is changing...although at times the dry, desert does not seem to far away. There are days it is cloudy and the sadness lingers. I know now where the green pastures are and I am learning my way back to those places when the days are long and dark. The view ahead is looking lush and I know there will be dry spots and dark nights ahead, but the river of joy up ahead is getting louder and soon will be just the sound I am longing to hear...the cry of a baby in my arms.

Keeping a quiet heart....

My heart has stopped pounding and the questions have settled down. I am trying to rest in the winds of change that are blowing and let the breeze be reassuring instead of frightening. He is holding my heart tenderly and calling for me to rest in His shadow. This is a good place to be, instead of flailing around frustrated. I want to do nothing that will take away from the specialness (is that a word?) of who Pearl was....only be a part of the plans that God has for our family because she is a part of us.

Keeping a quiet heart is a good place to be, thinking on the things that are true and and standing on the firm foundation that is beneath my feet.

Do we need a dictionary?

em·pa·thy (ĕm'pə-thē) n.
Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. See synonyms at pity.
The attribution of one's own feelings to an object.
[EN–2 + –PATHY (translation of German Einfühlung).]


grace (grās) n.
Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.
An excellence or power granted by God.
God's undeserved, unmerited favor.

These are simple terms that maybe we use to much and truly do not understand the meaning of.

I just have a few questions that I may or may not know the answer to.....these are just a few of the things that are making me fired up!

Is there a limit on the grace that we are able or willing to extend to people? Is there a limit to the grace that is extended to us from God? Do you we really want to know what will happen if God's grace runs out for us? Do we do things for others expecting something in return? Do we have to make everything about us? Why do we place time limits on people's grieving process? Why do some people think that getting pregnant after a loss is like getting a new puppy that will make everything better? Do we need to apologize for doing what we feel is best for our family, even if others may not agree with it? Why do people have such high expectations of one another? Why do people do things just to be noticed and thanked? Do people realize they are missing the message of the gospel when we make life all about ourselves? Why do I let people hurt my heart so much? Why do I care?

I know these are a lot of questions that I am laying before the throne and asking God to help me resolve these in time....I want to be able to leave the questions that are unanswerable and learn from the ones that can be answered. My quivering heart cannot take much more of this.....it is already so fragile.

All fired up...

Picture with me if you will....a sleepy mom and dad, cozy in bed just as the sun is coming up. A precious 5 year old with big, brown eyes and curly brown hair stomps into the bedroom breathing hard and sounding very frustrated. The sleepy mom heaves herself up and asks, "What is the matter?"

The sweet little boy responds with an exasperated, "I'm just all fired up mom and I don't know what to do!"

The mom says, "What are you so fired up about?"

"I don't know but my legs are just fired up right now....where is the lotion?"

So, for a week now we have all been saying "I'm just all fired up!" Makes for a good laugh as well as a very truthful statement for me right now. I am fired up....can't write about it yet because Blogger may kick me off for the fire that will come through the monitor as I type. I am crafting a way to tell the story without offending anyone and trying to get a good message of grace across.

I better go find the lotion and see if I apply a good slathering to my heart some of the fire will go out and the grace that I know is in me will be found.

Who am I?

I have been trying to figure out lately who I am! You would think that a 33 almost 34 year old would have some sort of an idea of who she is or at least who she wants to be. No, not me! Josh has been talking about a job change again and it seems as if this one may happen. We won't know for a few more days but if he does get this he will be traveling 6-8 days a month. Now, that may not sound like very much to some of you, but he has never traveled before and I still cry every time he leaves for a trip without me. I can't sleep when he is gone, the kids miss him so much and I am not sure how I will handle this. Now, all this is what got me started on wondering who I am. I think the Laura of a year ago could have handled the thought of her husband going away for those days...I would just do it and make the best of it. But, because I was pregnant for 8 months and said goodbye to that baby, was so sad for so long and probably depressed at times, not pregnant for 4 months and now pregnant again with a new baby due in 4 months!! I don't even remember what it feels like to be me. I know that the person I was before last year will never be back and in some ways that is good, but it is also hard at the same time to figure out if I have it in me to just be stable. It has been so long since I have been truly happy, not tired or sad. I think I am in survival mode right now and am sure that I will need some kind of counseling when this baby arrives to deal with all the emotions that are going to go along with that. I guess it will be counseling or a month with Josh at a beach resort! When Josh asked me if I could handle being without him for those days every other week I didn't know how to answer because I really didn't know how I would be. I do know that things will level out emotionally a bit when I have this baby and we will both be so excited to be holding a baby in our arms! The things I am worried about are small things and really I shouldn't be worrying anyway. As I was fretting about all this and trying to figure out who I am I was reminded by that still, small voice that I do know whose I am! I will always be taken care of because of who I belong to and He will never leave me or forsake me. SO...I guess that is all I need to know is whose I am, and the who am I will fall into place!

Robert A. Mac Murchy Jr.

Two years ago today a man that had a profound impact in shaping me into who I am today was suddenly called home to be with Jesus. His precious wife continues to be one of my most favorite people in the world as well as a woman who speaks so much into my life. I was thinking last night about some of my favorite memories with Robert and Caren too and came up with so many. I even chuckled out loud thinking of some of the funnier ones. Just think... all this started in a small art room at Dry Creek Elementary School. Sometimes only a handful of youth, but always a remnant who were there because they had a passion to hear from God and Robert always made sure that we were a passionate group who had one goal in mind....to worship. I can still see Robert up there playing the guitar...sometimes fumbling his way through a song, but always leading us to the throne. On Wednesday nights there were 20 of us crammed into a sometimes very smelly and hot, conference room with an orange lamp sporting a burned shade....worshipping with our whole hearts, our faces on the ground crying out to God. These were the life changing moments that ruined so many of us for the ordinary. We came to worship and pray...when Robert scheduled a volleyball night in the summer we were all a bit disappointed because there would be no worship that night! Odd group we were!! I don't know if Robert ever fully comprehended the impact he made on so many lives.....an impact that has changed generations. There are many of us that were his "first fruit" and now have children of our own that we are raising to be worshippers and ruined for the ordinary. I like to think that Robert is in heaven even now, leading worship with Pearl and a few of the others who have babies waiting for them in heaven. Caren has done and continues to do an amazing job of carrying on the vision Robert had to see lives changed and to see people thinking outside the box. I look forward to the day when we are reunited with the man who helped to shape us...I just hope he knew while he was here how we loved him and how thankful we were for all he poured into us. I know we had funny ways of showing our love....The man that so honestly asked us one night at Youth Group to pray for his hemorrhoids...we laughed and the next week late at night we found a nasty toilet at a bus stop (don't ask!) stuffed clothes with newspaper, made a man and put a package of Tucks in his hand! We drove to their house late at night, put the toilet on the lawn with the man sitting on the toilet with the Tucks and left it there! I think Robert and Caren left it there for a while. Another time we had a brilliant idea of spreading lard all over his van....that poor van was never the same. Wasn't fun to be in a rainstorm with those windshield wipers! Most summer nights they had trees full of toilet paper and one night the police even came, caught 2 of us and walked us up to their door. Robert and Caren just laughed and invited the rest of us to come back in! What fun we had! There were also times that Robert was not going to let things slide....we still talk about the time in Youth Group when a boy was telling another one of his many sad stories and Robert looked at him and said, "That's a load of crap (insert name) and you know it"! Always keep us honest, and teaching us how to love well all at the same time. It was silent in the room for a bit after that! Oh, Robert how we loved you and continue to love your precious bride too. Can't wait to see you soon!

Happy Birthday Princess Zoe!

Today Zoe is 3!! Seems like yesterday I was looking into the dark blue eyes of my sweet baby girl. I was so sure she was a boy and so surprised when I leaned down to hold her as she was coming out....I looked between her legs...nothing there!! I whispered through my tears, "It's a girl!" Josh was a mess and has been a ball of putty around here since the moment he saw her. So thankful for this little ball of liquid sunshine! She is running around in her new swimsuit right now, it is only 30 degrees outside ! Guess we are ready for summer here. For her Birthday she asked for, "Flowers, new panties, and lipstick." Did I say she is only 3? She did get all of those things and more....let's say my sister has something great coming for my nephew's Birthday in April! What a great day we had with her. Her cheeks are as soft and full as the day she was born, and her lips are so kissable. What a treat she is....even on the hard days. She has such a precious heart that I hope never goes away...each night for the past 8 months she has been praying, "Jesus- help mommy to have another baby and for the baby to grow big and strong." She is the one who has had the most faith and I know God is listening to her. Zoe- I love you so much princess and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Keep spreading sunshine wherever you go! Happy, Happy Birthday!

Trees

These past days have been such a blur.....so much to be digesting and so little space to just sit and be. Thursday as well as the last few days after our ultrasound have been a surreal experience for me. As we drove to our appointment I was staring out the window begging God not to let the view look any different on our way home. All the emotions of how we drove home after finding the news about Pearl came flooding back in. Then that quiet voice came and reminded me of the song I woke up singing that morning....the hymn "Blessed Assurance". I can't remember the last time I heard or sang that song. The words are so rich and the truth so loudly spoken. The rest of the drive I tired to breathe and sing the song, knowing that no matter the outcome of the visit He loved me and we did have Blessed Assurance that all will be well and we will praise our Saviour all the day long. Perfect submission all is at rest, perfect delight, echos of mercy and whispers of love...ahh good words. (Avalon has a great version of this song!) The walk into the office was long and we were pretty quiet. As soon as the tech told us she was ready I burst into tears and it took me a bit to get it together and lay back on the table. I knew I had to stop crying so she could get a good look at the baby. She was so good to us and explained everything in detail. I must have asked 100 times, "Are you sure everything looks alright?" Both J and I wept as she went through all the measurements and showed us a full head of brain....the relief in the room was almost tangible. SO many things we were able to see on that screen that we never saw on Pearl. I kept seeing Pearl's sweet face in my head as we looked at this baby's complete face....maybe this baby wouldn't even be here if Pearl was here with us. What a gift these children are! When the sonographer was done I couldn't believe it was over. It went by so fast....it was peaceful and so good. The phone calls after we were done were tear filled, but such a testimony of God's faithfulness. I am ashamed to say I was not sure those were the kind of phone calls we were going to get to make. Great faith I have huh?!

I knew that we would survive whatever the news would be and that we would continue to cling to Him in all things. I am so thankful for the good news...thankful that our roots go down deep even in the times where there seem to be no leaves on our tree. There is a big sycamore tree in our neighbors yard that I see every morning...right now it is ugly and has no leaves on it and is blown around and frozen most of the time these days. I do know that in a couple more months this tree will have huge, green leaves on it and will be beautiful. This tree survives the harsh winters because it's roots go down deep and is nourished even in the times the land is dry. I feel like that is where we are right now....the leaves were shaken off our tree for a season, but our roots went down deep and we hung onto the source of our strength. We did our best to fight of disease and stayed close to our provider..even lifted our dry branches to Him when it took all we had to stand. We will flourish again...the leaves will come back. First the tiny buds, then great big leaves that will be like the oak tree that Is. 61 talks about....a display of His splendor. I want that and am looking forward to this next season of our lives. I do know that there will be other season when the leaves will fall and we will fee dry, but we will never uproot ourselves looking for another source. We are camped in the land of hope...we have walked through the valley of sorrows and are walking toward the river of joy. Our roots need some of that kind of water, so our leaves will grow and be a picture of His redemption for all to see. When I get afraid I will continue to trust Him....no matter what. Thankful for the other trees that are around us as a display of His splendor. What a forest we live in....wanting the light to filter in and shine so all the trees are nourished.

It is well.....

The report from our ultrasound today was perfect! We are so thankful and I have a heart full of things I want to write about, but for now I am exhausted and ready to go to bed! I will write more tomorrow and fill in the details. Sweet, sweet sleep will be here tonight for all of us!

Almost tomorrow....

Tomorrow is the big day for our ultrasound....I am not afraid, just very anxious to have this over and start getting excited about this baby. I am not sleeping well at all! My nights go like this, fall asleep at 9pm, wide awake at midnight and up with my thoughts and a few of the same songs until 5am! Not fun! Sometimes if I can visualize myself going into a situation I am nervous about it takes away some of the fear and then it doesn't seem so big. When I try to do that in the middle of the night I am reminded of what I heard so clearly in my heart right after we found out we were pregnant. I was fretting about the ultrasound and how that would feel to be there...I heard a voice in my heart like never before that said, "Don't go there!" I knew exactly where that there was! I am unable to go there in my head and just know that I have to get out of the car tomorrow and bravely walk into that office and take a peek into the babe growing and moving in my belly. There will be grace each step of the way and I know I have to go. I have already asked Josh if he would be willing to go without me to this appointment. He took me in his arms with a smile on his face and told me that if he could he would, but they need my uterus at this appointment! So, no getting out of this one! We are trusting for the best report ever. This is going to be a year of redemption for so many we know that have had such great loss in 2006. Many new babies coming into lives of those that have suffered loss...S, S, V, J, S, and more. We are on that list too and will be a testimony to God's faithfulness...even in the times in the valley of sorrow. Maybe tonight if I do not sleep I will begin to craft my blog post about our good news! Thank you all for praying for us!

Greetings from the land of snoring!

What a crazy 10 days we have had here! Plenty of sleepless nights and plenty of things to laugh about...because we would be crying if it weren't so funny. Oliver's surgery went well....he was so brave and acted like such a big boy. When the nurse came in to ask him what he was there for he said, "I am here to have my septum repaired and my tonsils and adenoids out." Just like that! She smiled and brought her friends back to see this curly haired, brown eyed little boy. At one point before he went back he pulled me close and said, "Mom, I am just really, really nervous." The Dr was pleased with how the surgery went and was on his way then left us in recovery with a hysterical little boy who was so scared and hurting. We were on our way home in 2 hours. Have you ever tried to get a very smart and articulate 5 year old to drink and take nasty medicine without a fight? I want to hear from you if you have made this work without losing your cool at least once! We have used every bribe we could ever think of and at one point last week, this calm and cool mama lost it. I mean really lost it....I was screaming at Oliver how ridiculous this was that he would not drink and how he HAD to drink this NOW and take this medicine RIGHT NOW! Not pretty....as I was yelling I was once again in awe of how I could let a 5 year old control my emotions so well. Zoe came running up the steps and wondered aloud, "What is eerone yellin bout?" Both Oliver and I were crying at this point. I apologized and he drank and took the medicine. By this point I was hoping for someone to start yelling at me to take some medicine!

He is doing better after an overnight stay in the hospital on Saturday for some IV steroids, IV fluid and oxygen. I was teary last night when I went into his room and heard that for the first time I can remember he was breathing quietly...let me say that again....quietly through his nose. He is still waking up at night 3 or 4 times becsue his throat hurts, but I think he is getting better. Being up at night makes me even more anxious to have a hungry baby in my arms in those wee hours of the morning.....for now I will have to settle for a crying 5 year old with dragon breath refusing to take some more Tylenol at 3am! I do love him so much!

Just 2 funny stories from our time....On Wednesday night last week we heard Oliver crying upstairs and knew Roark was with him. Josh and I ran up the stairs ready to pounce on whoever was hurting Oliver! The boys were standing in the bathroom wiping the blood from Oliver's mouth....Roark pulled Oliver's barely loose tooth in just a few yanks! Brings new meaning to just wanting to hurt yourself when you feel so bad! Oliver was so proud of this new space in his mouth. A bit later I walked by the trash can and saw something white with blood spots all over it. Hmmm...as I unfolded this I discovered it was the underwear Roark had on that day! After asking our budding dentist a few questions I discovered that Roark had used this pair of dirty underwear to pull Oliver's tooth! Gross! The next day Oliver asked for his popsicle stick, quietly went upstairs and a while later returned with another tooth in his hand and announced that he used the popsicle stick to push his tooth out! These 2 boys are going to always going to keep us on our toes!

A few days later I was mixing up medicine for Oliver and for the first time he saw me mix 2 kinds into the same syringe. He was horrified and I stammered and told him I had been doing this all week and it was just like one kind of medicine. He looked at me with big tears in his eyes and said in the saddest voice ever,"Mom, this is the first time you have ever lied to me and I can't believe it." Poor Oliver!

So, we are coming out of the land of snoring and hopefully into some more sleep filled nights. I am continuing to wrestle with my fears and have finally scheduled our "Big Ultrasound" for the 15th. I am nervous, but trying to remember that He will never leave us or forsake us. I just so want to have good news and be able to start telling people that there is another one on the way here and it is going to be a healthy baby. The times I start questioning God and wondering what he is doing and why I am reminded of his response to Job after he is trying to "figure out" what GOD is doing and why all this has happened to him. God so eloquently reminds Job who he is and even asks him if he was there when HE laid the foundations of the earth. Was Job the one who told the sun to rise, told the stars where to go, could he raise his voice and tell the clouds to flood where you stand, do the lightening bolts report to you? I have to chuckle when I read this and then am so thankful that I am not in charge of all those things and so many others. GOD is and he is good. God even cares where and how the ostrich lays her eggs.....He is so much bigger than I could ever imagine and does care about all those seemingly little things that swirl around in my head, but who am I to question why he does what he does?! We are at his mercy and do want him to do what he wants with us...even when it hurts. But, I do know he loves us and treats us so tenderly even when we do question. He is quietly calming my heart and I am trusting him. In the end Job continued to trust God with all of his heart and blessed him with more then he ever sould have even imagined....God even doubled the number of children he had...he had 20 children with him when he went to heaven! We are trusting and hoping with all hope for the best report ever about this baby next week.

Just found this

Nothing in this world, no treasure man could buy
Could take the place of drawing near to You
There’s nothing I want more than to spend my days with You
Dwelling in Your secret place of praise
(And) oh, how I need You Jesus, I need You
You are the One that satisfies
You are the One that satisfies
~ Nothing In This World, Written by Tim Hughes©1998 Thankyou Music / PRS / Admin. by worshiptogether.com Songs for the world excluding the UK and Europe which is admin. by Kingsway

Just found this on another blog I like to visit...healedwaters.wordpress.com/

One more thing

The picture I posted of Roark and Oliver was taken in November! We still have 3 feet of snow in the backyard and we haven't seen that chair or most of the slide in about a month! Come on over if you want a great hill to sled down!

Spewing popcorn kernels!

I feel as if I am a pan of popcorn popping with hot kernels spewing all over the place!! I am about ready to boil over in tears or a nasty eruption of anger. Can't quite figure out why, except that my mind is going in 100 different directions. One of those weeks, I guess. Frustrating after such a great weekend with a bunch of girls and I was feeling so full of hope and ready to face some of my fears. Funny how reality can change your plans so much.

I know God is calling me to trust Him in new ways and I also know I am holding back on that too. I'm sure that is fear holding me back...I really shouldn't be afraid of some of these things because I have already faced one of my biggest fears head on...I have buried a child. I should have nothing to be afraid of because Psalms says, "When I am afraid I will trust in God". I am teaching my children this verse and they are learning...with a mama who is afraid sometimes too is standing right beside them. I must say there are so many things we are not afraid of anymore because of what we have been through the last year. We are not afraid of dying and going to heaven...we talk about it alot and can hardly wait to be there. However, I am afraid of going through the pain again and what it would mean to place another one of my children in the arms of Jesus while I still can wear low rise jeans and not be too worried about the wrinkles!! You may ask why I am thinking of all this again?! Well, to the blog world that does not know and I hope that I did not miss anyone I should have told in person....we are pregnant again. I am 17 weeks....due 7.7.07!! We are nervous but excited too. I am battling the fear of the what if's on a daily basis, and often doing a pretty good job ignoring the fact that I have a set of twins growing on my chest and a pooch coming from my belly. Seems like if I can ignore this that all will be well. I have a twisted way of thinking sometimes! But, I am not ignoring the fact that I must let The Prince of Peace take every thought captive as well as think on the things I know are true. Often times during the day I have to remind myself of the things I know are true....1. There is a baby growing in my womb that we have no reason to believe is anything but healthy 2. God has commanded me not to be afraid and that he will never leave me or forsake me 3. I do know what it means to be held 4. God is a good God Then as I begin to recite these truths the Holy Spirit brings more thing to my mind and the fear slowly goes away.

Even the 23 Psalm is coming alive in new ways to me. The LORD is MY Shepard...can you wrap your head around that THE LORD is the one that is leading us? HE is guiding us and we will not be afraid, because he is a GOOD and attentive Shepard that will not let anything snatch us out of His mighty hand. However, we must let go of the things we hold onto so tightly so we can fall into the palm of his hand where he holds us so that nothing will be able to devour us. He is leading us beside the quiet waters. When I think about this part I wonder if you have to be lead by the roaring parts of the water to get to the quiet waters. The roaring waters are scary to watch, but as we let him gently lead us and prod us with his rod past the scary part the quiet streams await us.

I want to be able to be a sheep that knows his voice so I am able to be lead. A sheep that is cowering in the back of the pen because he is afraid of what is ahead, must not know the voice of his Shepard. When I hear His voice I want to go to the quiet waters and let him calm my fears. Oh how beautiful when we get to heaven and it is all quiet waters that we will walk side by side with our Shepard with no fear! Even the lions that are there will not be able to harm us...we will all be resting by the streams together. What a picture that my soul longs for. I want to be practicing that here, right now. Just like the old hymn, "Jesus, Jesus How I trust thee....Oh for grace to trust you more." I want to repent of my fear....and God knew we would have fears here on earth because the Bible tells us so much to, "Fear not!" That sounds like a command that I have been disobeying.....maybe I need to go sit on the step and fold my hands! Oh God, forgive me...I want to have your love in my heart that casts out all fear. I want to let you lead me out of the fold and beside the quiet waters. I know that tomorrow all I am writing will be put to the test. Oliver is having surgery tomorrow and I am so nervous...ok afraid is the right thing to call it. I do not want to have fear about it...I want God's peace to cover all of us. I want Oliver to be peaceful with no fear...we have been talking about not being afraid because God is with us. I need to really hang onto that for myself and Oliver too.

My heart feels lighter already....something about just putting it all out there. Maybe Josh will want to talk with me now that I am not quite like a hot pot of oil with popcorn kernels spewing all over the place! Praying for several of those that I know read this blog to be able to grasp how wide and how deep his love is for us....there is no fear in that kind of love. I am longing to know that myself too. Peace and sweet sleep for all!

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,And to take Him at His Word; Just to rest upon His promise, And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’erJesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,Just to trust His cleansing blood; And in simple faith to plunge me’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Refrain

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus, Just from sin and self to cease; Just from Jesus simply taking Life and rest, and joy and peace.
Refrain

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;And I know that Thou art with me,Wilt be with me to the end.
Refrain

Sickies!

Lots to talk about, but no energy to sit here and put all my thoughts together! Everyone here is sick and a bit on the crabby side too...including me, imagine that! We are on day 5 of all this. Oliver is having surgery on Friday to repair his septum, tonsils and adneoids out....he needs to be 100%!! Please pray that we will all be better going into this and if we shouldn't do this we would know what to do. I'll update later...time to go turn a movie on and close my eyes with the kids.

Noah Steven Graves

I have been trying to figure out what to write all week now about the Graves family. Today was the day they placed Noah in the arms of Jesus. I have been praying that when the moment came all the family there would get a glimpse of the great cloud of witnesses surrounding them. I wanted them to hear the rustle of angels wings as God held Noah in His arms and said, "Well done my good and faithful servant." I know that God would say that to the whole family....well done.

My mind has been so crowded with thoughts of our last few days with Pearl as well as how Jason and Adrienne were spending their time with Noah. They did all of this with such grace and so much faith. They have great faith because they are not afraid...there is no fear in that kind of faith. They have totally submitted themselves to the sovereignty of God and will trust Him even though they had to say goodbye to their son. I have been thinking about the goodbye part....I thought the days and hours before the goodbye were so precious. It was the time after the goodbye was final that was so hard. Picking up the pieces and figuring out who your family is now is the hard part. The Graves family will not be alone.....

When I told my kids today that Noah was in heaven with Jesus Roark said that was good and bad. I asked him why and he said, "Bad because they had to say goodbye and he died and good because he is all better in heaven. They will be sad for about 3 weeks and cry alot and then after that they won't cry all the time because it won't be as sad anymore." My precious 1st born! Oliver said with tears in his eye, "Oh mom how sad. But, Pearl is going to be so excited to have a new friend in heaven and she will really like him". Praying that Noah's sister Emily will have a fresh perspective of heaven as well and a longing to be there.....just like we do.

I can't stop thinking about the verse in Lamentations "Because of His great love we are not consumed." SO thankful for a love that consumes us and not grief.

Well done precious Noah, we will miss you and love you so much

"PilDrums" Progress

Roark and I have been reading aloud what he calls, "Pildrums Progress". Known to the rest of the world as "Pilgrims Progress". I remember starting this book when I was little but never getting to the end. Last night we finally finished the book! I wept as we read the last few pages, I think the boys were wondering what was wrong with me now. Christian and Hopeful, after a long and tiring journey were in the land right before they reached the gates of heaven. They had to cross over a raging river and then get the gates to open. Hopeful knew that after all they had been through they would be able to cross the river. Christian on the other hand was not sure he was going to be able to do this because the water was deep as raging. The man that stood at the waters edge told them it was only as deep as they believed it to be. I loved that.... They started crossing and Christian started freaking our. Hopeful was trying to encourage him as we walked because his feet were on solid ground...he was remembering all the ways The Prince (Jesus) has helped him along the journey and he knew he would not fail him as he came to the gates of heaven. Christian was doubting if he was going to make it, water swirling and the ground was no where to be felt. This is how I can feel so often...when I take my eyes off Jesus and doubt how I am ever going to make it. Hopeful came along side him and encouraged him to remember all the things The Prince had done for him....just like so many others have done for me. As soon as Christian began to remember there was solid ground beneath his feet. He was standing on a firm foundation because he had hope, hope that The Prince was going to lead him safely home and be true to his word that He would never leave him or forsake him. This is the solid foundation that lies beneath our feet when the waves threaten to overtake us. When the water seems to deep we need to remember what we are standing on. Because of His great love we are not consumed....I am holding onto that promise as the waves seem to be coming in. I want to swim out further past where the waves crash and just jump up as the swells begin to form. There is a safe place....the hiding place when all around the waves are crashing. This story of Christian and Hopeful moved my heart last night...I even dreamt about it. Roark told me he did too! There is a solid foundation beneath my feet...I just need to stand on that!