Remembering

Today I am remembering and praying for families I know who have had to say goodbye to their sweet baby much to soon. Today is Infant Loss Awareness Day....what an awful sentence. I know I don't need one day to remember the baby I no longer have in my arms! It is comforting to know there are many who are thinking of the babies who have gone to heaven to soon!

I'm thankful it's sunny here today and we can look up at the beautiful blue sky and know our babies are safe and loved in the arms of Jesus. I'm asking Him to give Pearl an extra squeeze for me today and a kiss on her sweet cheeks. I'm alsoasking Him to kiss: Larson, Sophie, Noah, Jack, Maddox, Miller Grace, Asher, Isaac, David, Ethan, Maxwell, Christian, Charlotte, Micah, Morgen, Audrey, Jack, Brodie and Caden....we will be with all of you again in just a moment. We love you....

Lance in Aspen

Some of you may not know this about me but I love true athletes...cyclists, triathletes, runners and swimmers. I have so many sweet memories of watching the Tour de France growing up and going to the Coors Classic. We were so excited when we caught one of the water bottles the cyclists would throw off their bikes. I still have an autographed hat from one of the bike races a long time ago.

The summer Pearl died I spent many nights watching the Tour de France. Just hearing the voices of Al and Bob do the commentating for the race was so soothing to me. I knew they were going to be there all night and in between the moments the tears stopped I watched and cheered so loud for Floyd Landis. "Come on Floyd, you can do it!" His coach said that to him over and over again as he climbed the Alpe de Huez. Now, I know that it was discovered that Floyd used a performance enhancing drug as was disqualified and Oscar Pereiro received the title of winner. Anyway...Floyd had an incredible ride and it helped my heart so much to cheer the amazing athletes on.

Each summer the Tour is on I am glued to the TV at night catching up on the races...it is a connection to me with the summer Pearl was here with us. Makes me feel so warm inside to be doing the same thing over again...lets me relive some of the feelings without the profound sadness. A tradition...J always laughs at me when I say that!

J had a conference in Aspen a few weeks ago, L and I went along for some great room service, extra time with J and a great afternoon at the Bliss Spa! It was a perfect weekend. The night before we left we heard Lance Armstrong (I know all of you know who he is!) was going to be racing in Snowmass the next morning. The race was in a relay form...each lap was 7 miles long with 1500 ft of climbing! Lance was part of a team and I was going to be there to watch one of my heroes race! I forfeited one more morning of room service, made J get up early, pack the car and drive the 15 min to Snowmass. I was like a little girl at the circus...I walked so fast just to see if we would get a peek. When we arrived the race had already started and we did not know what leg Lance was racing. The closer we got to the start I realized....there was Lance Armstrong...at.the.start.line!! We slowly walked took a few pics and watched him start. I was giddy...we walked around, checked out the booths and decided to wait a few more min before we headed home. Suddenly, Lance starts coming down the hill to the hand off zone and then walks his bike over to the tent we are standing at. I smiled at him and squeezed L a little too tight because I was excited!

Ok, so this may not be a big deal to some...but for me it was God's little gift for me. The timing of being there when Lance was there was something only God could have done for us. Lance left to go to a private room as soon as he cooled down and was not seen again until his next lap 2 hours later. I so love it when little gifts land in our laps. I have learned to look for the little gifts more...sometimes we get so busy we forget to see the small treasures and get so upset when everything else seems so hard and confusing. I want to challenge you to look for the little gifts...the handfuls on purpose. They are everywhere...it just may take a more time,patience or creativity to find them.

My heart

My heart has been so heavy...I know it is the combination of so many things. Seasons changing always throws me to the edge of the hole again...so many memories for me that come with the change of seasons. Every time I hope it will be different and it isn't. I'm learning to just go with it and let myself be sad if I need to be. Sad for what I'm missing, sad for what so many others are missing right now. I know on this side of heaven something will always be missing...there are just moments that is feels more obvious than others.

I so want to go to the cemetery to visit Pearl and just haven't been brave enough to go there lately. I think I am afraid of what I will do...it's been a while since I have been and even typing that out feels so wrong. I use to go every week and now....I just miss her so much. Sweet baby girl all snuggled up in my arms...I can take a deep breath and still feel her little behind in the crook of my arm. I am so thankful I can still feel it...even 2 years later. I don't think the longing to hold her again will ever go away, I think it just gets easier to walk the road with an intense longing in your heart.

The presentations for String of Pearls have been made at 2 local OB offices and I will be going to a large Perinatologist practice in 2 weeks. I am amazed at how God uses the longing in my heart to hold my Pearl, to show the Dr's how real this journey really is. I feel so passionate about providing each family the privilege of holding their baby in their arms and never forgetting the weight of their sweet behind.

I know the longing and sadness in my heart is for these families who are at the beginning of this journey. I think of these women all the time...praying for a blanket of peace to be around them. Just like the blanket covering me. The peace is real...we just need to crawl to it. Will you pray for: Christina, Nicole, Shannon, Jennifer, Sadie, Jessie and Stacy. Amazing brave families who are going to meet their babies soon or have already said hello and goodbye.

I am so thankful for the moments with Pearl....thankful for the reminder of the season changes. Thankful He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Focus on the Family

The interview Josh and I did for Focus on the Family in November of last year is out today. This will be perfect for me to take to the office on Friday...this give a quick glimpse of why we did what we did with Pearl.

http://www.heartlink.org/beavoice/A000000640.cfm

We are praying many families are touched by this story and many babies will get the chance to be held in the arms of their mama and daddy before they are held in the arms of Jesus.

My button!

MCK mama made me my own button for String of Pearls and her sweet friend Jennisa at http://www.onceuponablog.org/ helped me get the button posted so you can add the button to your blog too!! Just copy the text in the small box and add it as a gadget to your sidebar on your blog. I am so thankful for all of the help they gave me.

So many have contacted us looking for information about String of Pearls. Please keep praying for these families..they are hurting and scared. We are so thankful we are able to let others know there is hope as they walk this journey.

Will you pray for me on Friday this week? I am going to present String of Pearls to the office where I went when I was pregnant with Pearl...and the other 4 kids too! This could be an emotional morning, but once again I am so honored to be able to present to the medical professionals that we want to work with them as a team to be able to offer women a choice! I continue to stand amazed at God's faithfulness to us on this journey.

I am continuing to ask Him for strength and courage to walk on this road...there are moments I am very tired, but then I hear the still small voice gently leading me forward and I can almost hear my Pearl saying, "I love you mama, I am proud of you." Then I can keep going...I am praying many of you will hear the sweet, gentle voice of Jesus as well and continue to walk the path you have so bravely chosen. You are not alone...we are cheering you on and I know your babies are too.

I am amazed

The conference this weekend was great...I talked for over an hour and we had some time to answer questions. J and I were able to talk with some people after the meeting and I know many were touched by Pearl's story. People gained a better understanding of grief and if only one person walked away knowing better how to talk to a grieving person then it was all worth it. I could tell so many were praying...I wasn't really nervous and my voice didn't even shake! I am looking forward to the next time we are able to tell our story.

I received an email this week from MCK Mama...some of you may know her! She is now 30 weeks pregnant with Stellan....he is a miracle baby! Check out her blog for the full story by clicking on the button to the right...yes up there! She asked me if people wanting to donate in Stellan's honor could donate to String of Pearls! I was so honored as well as surprised...then I was reminded that nothing takes God by surprise so I should say yes...I did say yes with a lump in my throat and a tears in my eyes. This really isn't about the money..although money is something we do need to keep String of Pearls running. We do need money for brochures and gift packets etc....this is really about reaching families who feel so alone. This is about giving people a different option and a hand to hold. I am honored God would use us this way. Thank you so much MCK Mama for allowing Stellan to be a part of our story.

Settling in

Thanks so much for praying for me....I do feel as if I am settling into the fall routine and feeling better about getting String of Pearls launched. I am speaking at a conference this weekend about our time with Pearl as well as the basics of Perinatal Hospice. I do have most of my talk figured out...just need to do some more fine tuning. Keep praying for me when you think about it! I know this is going to be an incredible opportunity to tell our story and make others aware of resources available to families who are walking this difficult road.

I am bringing everyone to the conference this weekend...in a beautiful city in the mountains! It will be good for us to be away all together with no distractions. My talk is early Saturday morning, so we will have time to play too. R is a little nervous about me telling our story....he wanted to know if I was going to cry. I told him I probably would but I would be ok. He is having a hard time adjusting to school....I was praying for him last week and felt like I needed to let his teacher know some of the history at our house. I am not using our history as an excuse for attitude but I felt like he was afraid to leave the girls and I at home. I had a good talk with his teacher and a good talk with R as well. I know he is worried bout leaving L all day...most mornings he says to me, "Mom, make sure L doesn't walk today without me and make sure the basement door is closed." Today I left the girls with a baby sitter and he couldn't believe I was going to let "L crawl around all day while I wasn't home with her. Will you make sure she is safe with the babysitter?" Poor boy is so worried about L. We have been praying for the fear to not take root in his heart and for him to be peaceful and content. I know grieving is a process and sometimes I forget how deeply my kids have been affected by the loss of Pearl too. They don't even know why they are feeling those anxious, fearful thoughts....this is a good reminder for us to be praying for their hearts to be covered as well as wisdom to know how to talk with them and help them to be able to articulate how they are feeling. I guess this is the prayer we need to have for our own hearts too....this is all part of the journey.

WOW!!!

What a day for our country...I need to get to the after school rush but I wanted to say GO SARAH PALIN!!!!

Please pray

The boys are both back in school and the need for a good routine is pressing in on all sides! I think all of us are fighting it too. Hard to let them be gone all day. I have been sad the last few days missing the boys. Even Z and L are missing their brothers.

I now have a little more quiet around here and have been hard at work with the pressing issues for String of Pearls. Setting up meetings, getting our reciepts put together, designing brochures, sending reciepts, and writing. This is all very exciting but I have to admit I am a bit discouraged too. I can't put my finger on exactly why, just feeling down. I was talking with my sweet friend Corie today and she reminded me this is a spiritual battle we are in and Satan does not want us to be putting this organization together. He wants me to be tired and discouraged. I cannot do this on my own. We need people to be praying for us. Will you pray for us? Will you pray for me as I prepare to speak at a conference in 2 weeks and meet with several of the larger physican groups in Denver next month. I am asking God for a clear mind and a heart that hears what He is wanting me to say. I do not want to be weary....preparing to speak about all of the emotions we went through with Pearl takes a lot out of me...I re-live each moment we spent with her and begin to feel the dark depths of my pain again. I still feel the pain, but I don't want the pain to paralyze me. I know He will equip me to do what He has called me to do.

I know this post is all over the place! Thank you for praying for me as well as our family. I know this effects our kids too and I want them to be protected and for much grace to be present in our home.

I will keep you updated on how the conference goes as well as the meetings here with the Dr.s.

Much to say

What a month we have had! I have so much to write about and just not enough time. The boys are going back to school next week and I will have some quiet afternoons to sit and write while the girls are napping.

I do have some exciting news I can finally share....String of Pearls is now official! Our website is up, we have meetings set up with Doctors in the Denver area and our 501c3 paperwork is being approved! I feel like this has taken so long to get to this point and I am so thankful for all the people that have been a part of making this become a reality. I'm continually amazed at how God continues to use one tiny baby girl to reach out to so many others. We are standing in awe of how God is working and daily living out the "insteads" of Isaiah 61:2-3 To proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

The hard days continue to come in waves, but the depths are not as deep. I miss Pearl more than ever at this moment, and would give anything to have my dark haired baby in my arms again. I was thinking last night how I would have loved to hear her make a sound...then was reminded that the first sound she made was when she was sitting at the throne of God! Wow, what a picture I can hardly wait to be a part of. I am thankful for the ability we have to honor her life and help so many others on this journey.

Will you pray for me and for those that are involved in String of Pearls? We are choosing to help others honor life and we need to cover these precious families in prayer as well as the people that are involved in caring for the families. Will you also consider financially helping String of Pearls? The website gives a detailed account of the services we will provide and our goal is to do this at no charge to the families. There is a place on the website to donate online as well as a mailing address. Our desire is to reach as many families as possible and give them hope and peace as they walk the most difficult journey of their lives. Thank you for praying and supporting us each step of the way.

Go see our beautiful website at http://www.stringofpearlsonline.org/

I'll be back soon with some good stories of our last month!

Celebrating Lyda

For those of you who found the information about my grandma by google, here are the details about the services.

July 8- 5pm-7pm Visitation with Rosary following at 7pm- Horan and McConaty 1091 S. Colorado Blvd. Denver

July 9- 9am Funeral Mass St Francis De Sales Church 300 S. Sherman St Denver

Our family has requested in lieu of flowers donations can be made in Lyda's name to Alternatives Pregnancy Center 1440 Blake Street, Suite 200Denver, Colorado 80202

Thank you so much for praying for our family during these next several days. We are looking forward to celebrating her life, and missing her strong presence so much as well.

Lyda Julia Conway August 9, 1914 - July 5, 2008

My sweet grandma is holding my sweet Pearl in her arms today. Yesterday afternoon my grandma was ushered into the very presence of God...say that again...the presence of GOD....she was met with a loud, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." We are so happy for my grandma but we will miss her so much. I know I will have much more to write later...for now we are remembering what it means to be held.....

Mima- No matter how long...its still to short!

We found out 5 days ago that my sweet grandma, my kids call her mima, has Stage 4 cancer in her abdomen. It isn't going to be very long until she gets to go meet Jesus! I can't even believe my sweet 93 year old grandma has cancer. Just doesn't seem right....lately nothing has seemed right. I just want the spinning to stop....for just a bit so I can catch my breath. My grandma is the sweetest woman you have ever met. She is also one of the spunkiest ladies I know. I have so many incredible memories of her and know there are more to come...even if the time here is short. I know she is ready to meet Jesus and to be with her sweet husband again. She loves so well and is so courageous.

As I spend time with my grandma I feel like I am walking back into the days when Pearl was alive and moving in my belly. Each moment I felt her move I was reminded it could be the last time I felt her and I held onto each gentle little kick. I knew I needed to stay in the moment and not let my mind go to the day we were going to have to say goodbye. I drank in each sunrise with Pearl as well as each sunset. All without going to the scary place of goodbye...I knew it was only God's grace carrying me through those precious moments. I didn't want her to be born because it meant goodbye and long wait to say hello again....but I knew the moment would come that we had to say goodbye. The goodbye was a holy moment and I know it is going to be the same way when we say goodbye to my grandma. We are drinking in each second we are able to caress her head, rub her leg and just look at her wrinkled hands. I am savoring this time like a hot cup of tea....I just don't want the tea to get cold and the goodbyes to be said. I know it will end...just like our time with Pearl did...but I am so longing for the day we are all together again....no more "stinkin goodbyes", as Zoe would say!

Here are the lyrics, just for you mom :) to the song we have been playing over and over....Selah and Christy Nockels "Faithful One"

I find no hope within to call my own
For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone
But deep within my soul is rising up a song
Here in the comfort of the faithful one

I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on.
For I am guided by the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful, Faithful, so faithful to me

I see your wounded hands, I touch your side
With thorns upon your brow you bled and died
But there’s an empty tomb, a love for all who come
And give their hearts to you, the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end, My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful, Faithful, so faithful to me

And when the day is dawned and when the race is run I will bow down before God’s only Son And I will lift my hands in praise for all you’ve done And I will worship you, my faithful one.

Go listen to this one now....close your eyes and see His hand gently leading us so faithfully. I'm doing that now with a longing in my heart to run and bow down at his feet with Pearl right at my side.

Remembering

On Thursday it will be 2 years since I have held Pearl in my arms.....I can't even believe how that sentence looks in print. So strange to hear how final that sounds. This isn't a dream...we really did say hello and goodbye all in one breath to our baby. We really did sit under a green tent sitting on fuzzy chairs on a hot summer day and listen as our Pastor prayed over our sweet babys casket. I can't believe I had to say goodbye to a baby that I actually held in my arms. Almost to much for me to take in right now. I do know that He is carrying me and I am thankful for each step I have taken. He has already walked this road and is in each step I take. I can say He is good and I do trust Him...even in the midst of the heartache.

This has been a hard few days here and I know the days that follow are going to be hard too. Tonight as I looked at the pink clouds in the sky I could feel my sweet Pearl snuggled on my chest and my chin resting on the top of her head. I wept as I drove, thanking God for the memory that has not faded away. I miss her so much.....

We will be together as a family remembering our baby and celebrating her life....remember with me how she has changed your life. I know she has changed mine and for that I will be forever grateful.

God, will you please be sure to video her Birthday party? I know she has made so many new friends in the past few months. Give her Birthday kisses for me and please dance with her too. Maybe there is even a pretty pink Birthday Princess dress she could wear. Whisper in her ear how much I love her and how much I miss her too. Thank her for being so brave and for the gift of her baby sister too. Tell her we are going to pierce L's ears with little Pearl earrings on her Birthday. L needs a way to remember too.....One more thing, give her three little kisses because that is how we always kiss everyone here too.

Now what?

Been a bit crazy here....sick mom, sick kids, and some serious Spring fever!

Sorting through so much again....not asking Why, but asking now what?

Will you pray I know the answer to that question?

The secret!

I got a text at 3pm that said, "We will be there in 30 min."

The we that was coming over at the craziest time of the day was Josh and his boss who is from California, who I have never met! The house was in the midst of a laundry crisis, I had 5 hair bows in my hair compliments of my 4 year old hair stylist and frizzy hair from all the rain! I would have loved to see a video of all of us getting ready for our visitors. I put the laundry in the laundry room, quick cleaned the kitchen, changed my clothes, put some lipstick on, and tried to make the house smell sweet! We were all ready when J walked in the door with J and were so happy to meet him. Sweet L was making eyes at the dark haired stranger! The kids did their tricks...R shot some hoops, O played the piano, Z talked sweet and L waved bye-bye! Then they were back on the road! Phew.

The next day O and I had this conversation:

O: Mom, what did you do last night to make the house smell so good?

M: I can't tell you, it's a secret!

O: Well, when I get married will you tell my wife the secret so my house will smell good when I bring my boss home?

M: Sure O, I would do anything for you!

Oh my sweet O makes me smile and cry all at the same time!

PS- The secret is a little bit of vanilla on a piece of aluminum foil placed in the oven at 200! I'm sure J wondered why I didn't offer cookies!

I will always remember

I saw a little brown dove sitting on our fence yesterday, it was the first time I have seen the dove this year. I am seeing all kinds of things this Spring that I have not seen in 2 years. I was able to look at the pink flowers in our tree without being mad that it was pink and pretty. Spring means something new this year.

When I saw the dove I was reminded of the dove I tried to help 2 years ago. We had a huge cottonwood tree in our back yard and these 2 doves worked so hard to make the perfect nest for their babies. We had just found out about Pearl's condition and I was so aware of all the flittering preparations that were going on for new life outside, while I sat inside and was preparing for my baby to die. These 2 doves did not make their nest very high up in the tree....we have 2 very smart squirrels who live in our backyard. They are fearless...one afternoon after lunch the back door was open and a squirrel came inside to eat some of Z's crumbs! One afternoon, as I sat on the back porch I watched these squirrels looking at the nest. The doves were getting nervous...cooing back and forth to eachother. The squirrel started to climb up the tree....I sat and watched horrified. The doves were flying around trying to get the squirrel to go away. He kept climbing up the tree...all of the sudden something in me snapped! I jumped out of the chair and started screaming at the squirrels. I was jumping around, waving my arms trying to protect the nest full of eggs. I grabbed the hose and tried to scare them away by spraying the tree trunk. I wassobbing uncontrollably by this time and the kids couldn't figure out what I was so upset about! In the end I was not able to save the nest full of eggs. I was heartbroken...that I couldn't even help a nest full of eggs or the baby that was still safe inside of me. The doves sat in the tree and on the fence for days...cooing, making sounds that sounded like crying. I was so sad as I listened to the mama dove on my fence. Every once and while the daddy dove would come back, "cry" with her and then fly away again. Finally after a week the mama left too.

Now, 2 years later I saw the dove again. I don't remember if she was back last year or not, but I saw her again last week. She sat on the same spot on the fence and made the same noise...it was almost haunting to hear that sound again. All of my feelings came back and I wanted to just cry. I don't know if birds have memories, or if she even remembers the nest full the squirrel got to. For me, I felt like she did remember and she came back for just a day to make sure she never forgot those baby birds.

I will never forget those moments of pure, raw emotion....I also know I cannot expect everyone to remember those moments. I do know that I will always take the time to remember those precious memories....and those that are walking with me closely will never forget either. Just like I have never forgotten about the doves.

The wall

We spent the weekend with one of J's younger brothers. My kids had so much fun with their Uncle....always an adventure. On Saturday afternoon we went to a climbing wall with the boys. My 8 and 6 year old climbed and so did their uncle. I sat at the bottom of the wall with L and J and Z went up another level to cheer them on! It was so cute to watch the boy's little legs carry them to the top. They struggled at times and when we encouraged them they moved ahead to the next peg. The course was well worn where they climbed, there was a man holding the rope for them at the bottom and they knew that even if they fell back a little they would not fall. We even had to cheer their Uncle on...all 3 of them finished and got down safely too.

When the climb was over and we were getting into the car, one of the boys said, "It wasn't hard if you didn't look up or down. You just had to keep your eyes straight ahead!" I had to catch my breath after I heard that...it was just what I needed to hear. There is so much for me to look at ahead of me and get so overwhelmed! There is also a lot to see behind me...both sad and good things too. If I can keep my eyes focused on the path in front of me and trust who is holding the rope I will be safe. Step by step...following the path that He has laid out for me. I want others to be able to follow behind us as we trust Him each step of the way....one step at a time.

Maybe next time we go to the climbing wall I'll climb too....my boys would love to beat me!

All That I Can Say

Much to be thinking about tonight...J is out of town and I should go to bed. I am sitting here weeping for another family who had to say hello and then goodbye to their baby tonight. A precious family who will see their baby again someday...the someday just feels to far away. I am remembering our hours with Pearl as well as the days, weeks and months that followed. My heart is breaking for another mom who has empty arms and an ache in her heart that will never go away. I wish I really knew this mom...instead of just from a blog. I would just sit and cry with her...talk about our girls together and dream of the day when we are all reunited.

I am weary tonight....I need Him to fill me again...fill me with hope and peace instead of the fear that I continue to battle.

I know He is there....He has promised that.

All That I Can Say

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Edited....This is an incredible song by David Crowder from his very first album released in 1998.

Fear

I have been thinking a lot lately about fear...what are you afraid of? I have already faced one of my biggest fears...I have a name of a child I gave birth to written on a granite rectangle. I thought once I faced that fear that the rest of them would seem insignificant. Not true lately...I am struggling with not making decisions based on fear. I want to let the peace of God guard my heart and mind. I want to rest in knowing He is sovereign, but fact is I still struggle with fear. Fear of failure, fear of goodbyes, the list goes on.


I don't want the fears to hold me back from what God is calling me to do. I want to be like the servant in the Bible who multiplies the talent the master gave him....not the one who buries it because he was afraid. I want to know the master so well that I am not afraid of what he is asking of me...but knowing he will equip me to do the job he has asked me to do. I don't want fear to control me.

I want there to be peace in my heart and to not make decisions just because I am afraid. I want to step into a place that seems dark and shadowy and meet Him there....the light is always just a few steps away.

Will you press into the pain with me and meet Him on the other side of the pain? He is enough....that I do know.