Tuesday, September 30, 2008

My heart

My heart has been so heavy...I know it is the combination of so many things. Seasons changing always throws me to the edge of the hole again...so many memories for me that come with the change of seasons. Every time I hope it will be different and it isn't. I'm learning to just go with it and let myself be sad if I need to be. Sad for what I'm missing, sad for what so many others are missing right now. I know on this side of heaven something will always be missing...there are just moments that is feels more obvious than others.

I so want to go to the cemetery to visit Pearl and just haven't been brave enough to go there lately. I think I am afraid of what I will do...it's been a while since I have been and even typing that out feels so wrong. I use to go every week and now....I just miss her so much. Sweet baby girl all snuggled up in my arms...I can take a deep breath and still feel her little behind in the crook of my arm. I am so thankful I can still feel it...even 2 years later. I don't think the longing to hold her again will ever go away, I think it just gets easier to walk the road with an intense longing in your heart.

The presentations for String of Pearls have been made at 2 local OB offices and I will be going to a large Perinatologist practice in 2 weeks. I am amazed at how God uses the longing in my heart to hold my Pearl, to show the Dr's how real this journey really is. I feel so passionate about providing each family the privilege of holding their baby in their arms and never forgetting the weight of their sweet behind.

I know the longing and sadness in my heart is for these families who are at the beginning of this journey. I think of these women all the time...praying for a blanket of peace to be around them. Just like the blanket covering me. The peace is real...we just need to crawl to it. Will you pray for: Christina, Nicole, Shannon, Jennifer, Sadie, Jessie and Stacy. Amazing brave families who are going to meet their babies soon or have already said hello and goodbye.

I am so thankful for the moments with Pearl....thankful for the reminder of the season changes. Thankful He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

9 comments:

Carly said...

Oh Laura,

My heart is aching for you. I know that it is really easy for me to just sit here and write that but I honestly know some of the pain that you are feeling. I wish that I could sit on the couch with you and put a blanket of peace around us both.

I don't know if the yearning in our hearts for our babies will ever leave us but I pray that our sadness will. I think we feel this yearning so that we can continue to help others.

I have written the names of the women named in your post in my prayer notebook. I will pray for them when I visit the beach this evening.

If you ever want me to write any special names in the sand for families that are at the start of their grief journey just let me know. I can just email you them if you don't want them up on the website. Just thought I would let you know. I would love to help you in any way that I can.

I am praying for you :)

Love and Hope,

Carlyx

mel said...

Laura, God has put you and your family on such an amazing journey. I can't imagine the pain you feel everyday missing your sweet baby girl. What you're doing with that pain is simply beautiful. I have so many thoughts and emotions going through me that honestly nothing I write can express how I'm feeling! You're such a blessing! Thank you, your husband and Pearl for all that you've done and all that will be done to ease the pain of so many.

I know you just started this ministry, but do you think it will go Nation/ world wide someday? So many families all over, that need this kind of love, support and help.

Warmly, Melissa Praying for you too and String of Pearls.

boltefamily said...

Laura,

I know that sadness all too well myself. I am praying for you sweet friend. String of Pearls is such an amazing blessing and Pearl's legacy is living on so beautifully! I love your heart for making sure that happens!

Praying for you, for String of Pearls and for all those families getting ready to meet their little ones and say goodbye.

Love and prayers,
Kristy

hennhouse said...

What ache and pain in your words. But also hope and joy in remembrance. Will be praying for you today.

Kenzie said...

Laura-

Thank you for being so honest and real about your feelings. For those of us behind you on this road, it is nice to know what the future can hold... purpose, truth, intense love, and a longing that doesn't ever go away. I know the Lord is so honored by the way that you have helped others chose life and gain a peace through their circumstances... he is absolutely honored by the way you have honored Pearl's life.

So much love and prayer for your sweet family... and your heart!
Kenzie

The Engelhardt 4 said...

Laura,
Thank you so much for sharing this with us. I don't know what your going through, but I know that God has put us in each other's lives for a reason. I am so excited to see what God is going to do with our partnership. I will continue to pray for these families, and for you. Please call or email if you need anything more from me.
GIANT hugs,
Elizabeth

Corie said...

I am praying for you as you continue down your journey and to watch God bless the path you have taken with String of Pearls. You are doing an awesome job and I know that the people you come in contact with will be so blessed to hear about this foundation you started. I look forward to see it all unfold and what the Lord continues to do by His Grace, Love and Mercy. You are doing awesome friend!

mel said...

Thanks for your comments on my blog Laura. It meant a lot to me! I've come across some amazing ladies since I started blogging, and you're one of them. Praying your heart is lighter tonight.

Aimee said...

I too am feeling the hurt of the changing seasons.

God will see us through this...He is faithful.

Love you