Need a laugh today?

I needed to laugh today.....hope this makes you laugh too. J even laughed and he is the one who is sick right now!

http://www.glumbert.com/media/mancold

The finish line....

We made it through the weekend.....there were some tears, some laughs, a bit of relaxing and a lot of remembering. I was so surprised at the details both J and I remembered about March 22nd. It amazes me how quickly the memories can come up and surprise you when you least expect it. Kind of like a melting icee...all the thick syrup at the bottom and it only takes a little jolt to get it all mixed together again. I feel like everything is all mixed together again after the weekend. Sometimes I have all the emotions in little compartments and just when I think I have everything where it needs to be...I get bumped into and it is all mixed up again. Then the crying starts again, the fear and the profound feelings of emptiness. I am not sure any of these feelings are ever gone...just always sitting right below the surface. I do not think there is really ever an end...here on earth...to these feelings. There is not a finish line waiting for me when the journey of grief is over. I am moving forward...but the only finish line on this journey will be the one when I get to heaven...and hopefully hear, "Well done!" I want to hear that at the finish line as I look into the eyes of Jesus and then peak behind His robe and look into the eyes of my sweet Pearl...then the journey of grief will be over! Death will no longer sting and there will be no more tears. I want the vision of that moment to burn in my heart...to keep me ruined for the ordinary!

As I took time to remember on Saturday I began thinking about all the things I will never do with Pearl. I will not get to snuggle in bed with her, I will not take her for a walk, I will not wipe her nose, I will not kiss her sweet cheeks, I will not swing with her, I will not fight over hairbow or no hairbow, I will not teach her to read....the list could go on forever. I do know one thing that I will ALWAYS be able to do WITH her...worship! She is in the actual presence of God spending her time worshipping....all the time!! When I chose to sing and worship I am doing the exact thing Pearl is doing at that very moment. When I can press in and chose to worship I am doing something with my sweet baby! So...if the music is extra loud around here these days....you will know what I am doing!

Oh my head

I am sitting here wondering why my head still hurts so bad! I have taken 8 Advil today and still have a pounding headache. Am I making this up? Is it possible to have my head hurt from just thinking too much? I'm sure it is possible....I have been holding my breath as then end of the month approaches....almost wishing to just skip to April. I know the 22nd will be just another day full of chatter, laughing, dishes, laundry, kisses and maybe even a nap for me. I also know it will not be just another day...I will remember how this day changed our lives as well as the lives of those around us. A lifetime has come and gone in 2 short years...it's no wonder I have a headache!

I also know that if I skipped to April I would be missing the reason that we do have hope. Jesus died for ME, for us....he took all the suffering, sin and pain so we can have a life with Him forever. The hugeness (is that even a word?) of the gift overwhelms me...I am so thankful for the gift He gave. I think of His precious mother, Mary, she watched her son suffer and how she was helpless as she stood there and just watched. Did she have any idea when she told the angel Gabriel that she agreed to this too....this heartache and suffering? I think she must have known deep in her heart that it would be this way. He was the Messiah....she knew what that meant. Yet she willingly entered into the pain and God was there on the other side of the pain to meet her. Pressing into the pain....right? I want to press into that....knowing He is there. There is purpose in the pain.

Then we have the hope that comes on Sunday...the hope that I will see my baby again someday. The hope we have that this is not all there is....so much more awaits us. I long for those around me to take hold of the hope that is there. There is hope in the midst of the pain....I know it.

A reminder....

Oh..I love this picture! I have been working so hard today on String of Pearls....thinking about so many things that changed in our lives just 2 years ago. I want to post part of a talk I gave this past July. This will be a good introduction for people who are just learning of our story.

When our journey here on earth with Pearl was over my Dr, who is also a personal friend said to us, “Now I see why you did this the way you did.” A precious friend, who is also a Labor and Delivery nurse and couldn’t understand at the beginning why we continued with the pregnancy, said to me, “I understand why you did this and now I see why you love her so much. I would never tell anyone to terminate after a fatal diagnosis again.”
Let me start at the beginning of our journey…..

On the morning of March 22, 2006 our lives were changed forever. At our routine 20 week ultrasound we are informed that our precious baby girl, Pearl, has Alobar Holoprocencephaly with severe facial anomalies. We are so devastated by the news. We have 3 beautiful children and are so excited to be having our 4th. We do not know how are going to navigate our way through these uncharted waters.

Just few minutes later, as I lay on the table in the Perinatologist’s office, he tells us her condition is fatal and he coldly asks us, “So, what are you going to do?” I ask him if he means that we should terminate and he says, yes. I feel like he is presenting termination as the only option for us and there is nothing else presented to us. I proceed to tell him that we have been given this life and we will cherish each moment we have with her and we will not terminate. He informs me of the risks and steps out of the room for a few minuets to let us “think about our decision”.

There is no more decision to be made, we are going to honor Pearl’s life by carrying her for as long as my body will allow and let God be in control of a seemingly out of control situation. The Perinatologist then wants to make sure we know that time is not going to change the diagnosis and that there is nothing to do to make this better. I remind him that I am a labor and delivery nurse and that we are fully aware of the outcome, as hard as all that is going to be to face. Leaving that office I begin to see how people can so easily get caught up in the vortex of emotions and choose to get out of a hopeless situation and terminate.

There is no hope offered for our hearts and no encouragement to continue on the path we have chosen to take. I realize that obstetrically there is nothing they can do for this baby, but there is so much they could do for our broken hearts. At this moment, we feel so alone as nothing is offered for our broken hearts except a pat on the shoulder.

I pour over all I can find on the Internet and at the beginning none of it is good. There are some great sites for grieving parents who have lost children, but I find no place for parents who are carrying a baby to term in spite of a fatal diagnosis. We find one good book, on the waiting process, but we are hungry for so much more. At the beginning I throw myself into making plans for the end, a care plan for Pearl when she is born and how to hand her into the arms of Jesus.

I think society pressures you into making arrangements for what is to come, because that is what we know how to do, that we forget that we still have so much living to do with Pearl. Carrying a baby with a fatal diagnosis is not a common occurrence, so there is not much support there to help you live with the baby, instead of making plans for how to die. I choose to wear Pearl proudly and she is such a part of our family. Yes, we are profoundly sad. As we teach our 6 year-old son how to ride a bike we cry not only because our heart is now riding around on a two-wheeler, but also because know we will never have the chance to teach Pearl how to ride a bike. So many things we are missing out on with her. We miss her so much, even though she is still with us in my womb, growing and moving. Our 3 children are incredible, so sensitive to when we need a hug and when we just need some downtime. We are not enjoying each day, like you would enjoy a glass of wine, but we are treasuring each moment we have with our precious Pearl.

We go to the Doctor every two weeks and are so thankful for each peek we are able to take into her world. To be offered an ultrasound is a gift for our aching hearts to get to see her one more time. We are not wishing the days away, the day of her birth will come soon enough and that brings a whole new dimension to our lives. We try to keep an eternal perspective on our current situation.

Seeing friends is hard because people appear to be so uncomfortable around us. People do not know what to say to someone who is carrying a baby that is going to die. Death is such a taboo subject, it makes people think about their own mortality.

I want to scream to my friends, “Just ask me how I am doing, and stop making excuses about why you haven’t called me. Don’t be afraid to cry with me. My precious Pearl is not dead right now, she is very much alive and don’t treat me like I am walking around with a corpse in my womb. Celebrate her life with us, honor her, smile at my ever-expanding waistline, and don’t run away from me. Don’t ignore what is going on with us, but don’t give me your spiritual platitudes. Just say you are thinking of me and ask what you can do for us.” We just need emotional support for our hearts and minds.

Our whole family is shaped into something different because of this journey; our hearts’ cry is that this “new” family will be more refined than ever before and more precious than ever. Our children are amazing through this process.

Our oldest son, 6 years old, says some profound things. As I sit with him one day and talk about Pearl he wants to know what she was going to look like. I think about it for a moment and realize that only the truth will suffice for this curious mind. I tell him all about her facial malformations and that even mommy and daddy are afraid of what is going to happen. I ask him how he feels about the problem with her eyes and nose. He looks at me with those beautiful green eyes and says, “It’s ok mom, I’m not afraid. She is my baby sister and I love her. I want to see her.” I hold him as I weep. We should all have that same kind of unconditional love for those around us that appear to be so different.

Then a few weeks later he tells me that he wishes that there were two of him, he says, “I wish there could be one of me in heaven so I could be with my baby sister and one of me here so I could be with my family.” How is he able to articulate so well exactly what I am thinking?

Our four-year-old son is so precious too. He is constantly rubbing my belly talking to “Baby Pearl”. He just wants to know when she is moving and wants to make sure she knows he loves her….and then comes the shower of kisses for my belly. Our two-year-old daughter is such a light to us too.

When I am crying, which seems to be a lot lately, she looks at me and says, “You want daddy? You want lovie?” The two things that she knows always make her feel better! Even when I am crying and talking to my mom she says to me, “Stop talkin’ to mimo!” She just wants me to feel better. What precious children we have that are so in tune to all that is going on in our house. Could there be any greater gift?

We know the time with Pearl in our arms is going to be short so we do everything we can to prepare for her birth. I create a very detailed birth plan so there can be no questions as to what we want during my labor and delivery. I think for a long time about the different keepsakes I want to have at home with me. Our bag for the hospital begins to look like an aisle in Hobby Lobby! I know how precious each item will be. Each of my children have a Christmas ornament with their handprint on it and Pearl will be no different. We have plaster for hand molds, clay for hand and foot-prints, scissors for a lock of hair, cameras, and my favorite oil I use after each of my children’s first bath. There is an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that donates their time and services for bereavement photography. The pictures we have are priceless treasures. There is not a detail overlooked.

As I approach 32 weeks the amniotic fluid begins to increase rapidly and my Dr begins to become concerned for my health. We have one therapeutic amnio to release the excessive amount of fluid in my uterus, and just 5 days later all the fluid is back and more. It is time to listen to my body and prepare to meet Pearl.

On June 5th, after a long and emotional labor, Pearl Jean Huene is born at 7:12am. She weighs 4lbs 1 oz and is 17 ½ inches long. Our time with her is unforgettable. We are able to lovingly launch her into the arms of Jesus. Not an easy thing to do, but a decision without regrets.

We have a beautiful memorial service for Pearl and are surrounded by so many who love us. The outpouring of love and support from our community is incredible. We give those around us the opportunity to be a part of her life as well as her death.

We know we need professionals around us to navigate our way through the post partum period as well as the intense period of grieving that follow Pearl’s death. I wish there was one place to go that would cover all that we thought we needed and the things that we don’t even know we need.

There are no words adequate enough to describe what a rock my husband is for me. From the moment we found out in that dim, warm ultrasound room, he has just held me close and promised me that he would walk with me each step of the way. Not even for a second did he waver in the decision to take hold of all the time we have been given with Pearl, even though he knew how painful it would be to walk this path.

He continued to get up each day, love me and love our children of so well. He assured me he is not afraid of all that is to come because he knew we are not on this road alone, God walks with us. That is where his strength comes from and I am drawing from that when I am feeling weak.

I loved the way he talked to his “princess” and so lovingly caressed my growing belly. He assures me I am beautiful even when I am feeling anything but that.

Without this brave man at my side I would not be able to walk this journey. He loves me so well and I can only hope I am loving him well too.

We are so thankful for the gift of time with our precious Pearl and look back on this with no regrets. Hopefully someday we will be able to help someone else as they walk the painful journey of saying goodbye to their child….much too soon. In the past year our lives have been filled with such a wide range of emotions. Grief is a process that never really comes to a close….the pages continue to turn in the book of our lives.

We have recently turned to a new page in the life of our family. Lucy Jean Huene was born on June 28th, 2007 and is the picture of hope and God’s redemptive plan for our lives. The sweet baby puffs of air that blow into my face in the wee hours of the morning serve as a gentle reminder of how precious and sacred life is. There is no greater honor than being a part of God’s art studio as he crafts his masterpiece. Whether it is a piece of art to be displayed here on earth or in heaven….it is still sacred.

Our story!

Here is our story....this is the beginning of String of Pearls

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/video/15548685/index.html

I am so amazed at how God has used my sweet Pearl!

Go down to the bottom of posts to pause music so you can hear the news story.

Breathing...

I think I have been dreading this month and not really even knowing it. I just changed the calendar in my kitchen to March and my eye was drawn right to the 22nd. A day that I don't wish never happened....but I do wish sometimes we were always on the 21st of 2006. March 22nd is the day we learned of Pearl's diagnosis at our 20 week ultrasound. A day that will forever be etched in our minds. The details of the weeks leading up to that day still pop into my mind. Amazing how much you can remember.....

I do know that March 22 is a day that was created in order to fashion us into who God has called us to be...from the beginning of time. He knew that day would change our lives and now I am beginning to see how many other lives that day changed and will continue to change. Without March 22 I would not have known how to start a perinatal resource for families, there would be sweet friends I would never have known, my kids would not have the perspective on life they have, J and I would not have known what it really means to let God hold you "steady as a post" through the fierce storms of life. Do I miss who we were before that day? Yes, but I would not trade who we have become and I would do it again just to hold my sweet baby Pearl in my arms once again.

Maybe tonight I will have another dream about my sweet baby....she has been all I have thought about the past few days as I spent time with precious friends this weekend. I have only ever had one dream about Pearl......

It was the morning of the 22 of January, the day Larson was born. I remember waking up at 3am feeling so nervous about the day, yet excited in a strange way to meet Larson and whisper in his ear all I wanted him to tell Pearl. I went back to sleep thinking of those two meeting in heaven in just a matter of hours. I fell back to sleep....which is a miracle for me! In my dream I heard the door bell ring....I was getting ready for something and was in a hurry to get going. I ran down our stairs and opened the door. All I saw was the back of a little girl's head as she skipped away....a head full of black curly hair. I immediately knew it was Pearl....I couldn't say anything. Then, I heard the sweetest little voice say, "I love you mama!" Then off she went skipping......I can still hear the sweet voice in my head.

I woke up sobbing.....goodnight sweet baby girl!

What happens when daddy is gone!

What am I still doing awake? Once it gets to double digits on the clock again it is to late for me....however once again I can't turn my mind off! I am getting some work done but wanted to take a break!

Let me paint the picture here....Friday afternoon 4pm. I have not taken a shower in 2 days....R is home from school, L is sleeping, O and Z are playing nicely in the backyard. I decide to go in and take a shower...so fast! I am just about to rinse the conditioner out of my hair and I hear Z screaming! I dash out of the shower and see the neighbor carrying Z up the stairs with her chin bleeding all over!! I start to cry...Oh have I mentioned that J has been out of town since Sunday?! I grab Z and sure enough she has a big gash in her chin. Someone tripped her on the tramp and she fell on the one spot that does not have the padding on it! I try to clean her up....while O is outside crying that we are going to have to take Z to the hospital. In the meantime L wakes up and I plop her in the "circle of neglect" where she is so happy just to watch the commotion! R is a smart little man and stayed outside the whole time! Thankfully my cousin who is an ER nurse has some skin glue....we wash the wound, glue it back together and then I plop on the couch and try to breathe!

Always and adventure around here.....

Praying

OK...so instead of making this another complicated post full of questions, I am going to write what the kids and I read at breakfast this morning. I bought them the Jesus Storybook Bible last year and we so enjoy this version. So easy to understand and it always touches my heart too. This is how The Lord's Prayer appears.....

Hello Daddy!

We want to know you.

And be close you you.

Please show us how.

Make everything in the world right again.

And in our hearts, too.

Do what is best-just like you do in heaven,

And please do it down here too.

Please give us everything we need today.

Forgive us for doing wrong, for hurting you.

Forgive us just as we forgive other people

when they hurt us.

Rescue us! We need you.

We don't want to keep running away

and hiding from you.

Keep us safe from our enemies.

You're strong, God.

You can do whatever you want.

You are in charge.

Now and forever and always!

We think you're great!

Amen!

Yes we do!

So simple.....so thankful for His never ending love. I'm going to go run right into His big, strong arms now....hopefully I'll see you there.

Reflections

Oh...I think I may be manic! I have been sick for a few days...and now I am not tired and have 1,000 things running through my head. Where to begin? I had a great talk with someone about getting the PH (Perinatal Hospice) started and have some great ideas. I feel like God gave me a name, logo idea and even colors. I have a few people I want to ask to be on the board. My brochure for parents is nearly all written as well as the mission statement. Problem is....it's all in my head and not written down anywhere! I will be writing down some tonight.


I am feeling an urge to get this started....all the while wrestling with God on some big questions. Like...Why do we even need a PH in the first place? Hmmm big question! I know the answer is because the world in not perfect, there is sin here and the tears and suffering will not be gone until Jesus comes back for us. Just hard to know that in your head as well as your heart...suffering is hard, it is all around us and it does happen to people who you would never expect it to happen to. I want to trust in His goodness and know that when we do pray and ask for something His word says He will do it....SO what does it mean when what we pray for does not happen? I am not talking about winning the lottery, losing 20 pounds or a donation for plastic surgery! I am talking about creating a brain for your child, healing your child from a disease so he can live, straightening a septum for a sweet boy who does not want to have surgery again! These are not gumball machine requests....I have prayed all of these with my whole heart and the prayers were not answered here! So, I guess that the answer to prayer happened when some of these children died and went to heaven and are healed now, and the answer for the crooked septum is ear plugs for the boy that shares a room with the snorer! When Jesus was talking to his disciples was there more faith 2,000 years ago and they really could tell a mtn to jump into the lake and it would do it? Is our world so full of sin now that the answer to prayer is that God's love sustains us through the suffering and he heals our wounded hearts? Maybe.....


I do know that he is a good God who does love me...the sun does shine and I want to sit in the warmth of the sun and let him heal these painful areas in my heart. I want to be able to sit and ask the hard questions and stop pushing them away for fear that I may scream and not be able to stop. Don't tell me he is big enough to handle the questions and the anger. I know that....I guess it's just me that isn't strong enough to handle all of it. Hmmm that is probably right where he wants me....at my weakest so he can be strong. Guess I'm right where I need to be because I am feeling pretty weak.

I need to write....anybody have a spare 12 hours?!

I need to be sitting here everyday writing...I have compsed so many blogs in my head the past few months they just never make it to the computer. My little Lucy is full of so much sunshine....my kids are so good for my heart! Lucy is a drooling machine with cheeks I could eat and a laugh that makes my heart leap! Anytime she makes a peep there are 5 people at her side wanting to know what they can do to make it better. What a gift!

So many things swirling around my head....so little daylight to get it all out. Guess that is why I am not sleeping well because the night is the quietest time of the day. It has been a very intense past few months....full of so many emotions. Good emotions.

I have a new friend who feels like I have known her my whole life...I love that God had this friendship planned from the beginning. Our lives are so much the same and the people we know are so many of the same too. She knows someone my mom went to grade school with! Corie and I also have something else very difficult in common.....we both have babies waiting for us in heaven. Not only that but our babies both had Alobar HPE....we were both given the same diagnosis at 20 week ultrasounds. I feel in love with this family as soon as we met and was so honored that they allowed me to be a part of their journey. On the morning of Larson's delivery I was getting ready and read a quick devotional as I cried out to God to help me walk through this delivery. I didn't know how I would be as I watched a family I loved so much hand their sweet baby into the arms of Jesus. I was crying already....I knew this was not about me...I wanted to give them hope...the same kind of hope I had. I read the scripture, "He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it,he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 I wept as I read this and knew that God was not surprised at the timing of this...before I thought I was ready to be a part of this again He brought someone else into my life and allowed me to comfort the way I was comforted. I love how he works! I am always so amazed when He uses me.... I was able to be at Larson's delivery and watch as their family held him in their arms for 23 hours before he went to be with Jesus. Such a tender time....I was able to hold him too and ask him to please kiss Pearl for me and tell her how much I love her. I know she was waiting to welcome Larson and I'm sure he did just what I asked him to do. The moments were almost overwhelming at times because it seems like yesterday that we were doing the same thing....but at the same time it feels like so long ago we were holding her in our arms. I am so proud of this family and how they are walking this journey....I am honored to be a part of their path and thank God daily for what they mean to me. There is another family in another state too who had a baby just like Pearl....even had a sweet nose like Pearl....we are all talking and stand in awe of what a big God we serve who can make this world seem so small.

In the midst of all this, things have been coming together, slowly, to get a Perinatal Hospice set up here. We have been interviewed by some people and word is out that we want to get this started! I so want to get this started so families can know there is hope and help on this journey. I want them to know they are not alone....if only I had unlimited money and time it would happen much faster. I know this is all in God's timing...He is working in this. I am going to get to write my book someday and have many baskets available for families with resources to help them.

I am thankful I am able to be walking in a valley that is not always so dark and it is filled with sounds of laughter on the sunny days. The tears are still there too....but it is not a hopeless kind of crying. Tears and laughter are good things....I need to let myself do more of both.

Thankful

Can it really be the day before Thanksgiving? I so want time to just slow down a bit.....I want to be intentional about remembering how much I have to be thankful for. Not just tomorrow but each day....my list is so long. I must say at the top of my list is the precious baby in the pumpkin! Lucy continues to bring so much joy into our lives....and into the lives of our other precious kids! One night this week while we were eating dinner and Lucy was laying in her bouncy seat...she begin to fuss. All at once 5 other chairs scooted out from the table to see what the baby needed! It melts my heart to see how attentive they are to her.

I am also thankful for a holiday season that our hearts will be a bit lighter. Last year was so hard...still in deep grief over Pearl and very newly pregnant with Lucy. Wondering if we would ever have another baby in the house again. I didn't even want to go to the gorcery store much less the mall....just to hard. I am thankful that I feel like celebrating this time of year....thankful the shadows are not always big and dark. Not to say the shadows are not there sometimes....just getting easier to see around them.

I am thankful for the friends and family we have around us who continue to love us so well and continue to laugh and cry with us. Without these people life would be so hard and pretty boring! We have been blessed with so much and I want to remember all these things even when life seems hard and busy. I want to be reminded to slow down and treasure all the gifts.....

Time to catch up

Wow....is time flying! Lucy is almost 3 months old! I can hardly believe it.....she continues to be such a joy to all of us. Cooing at her brothers and sister, melting her mama's and daddy's heart. Each time I look at her I am reminded of God's faithfulness through the joys as well as the sorrows. Seems like the sadness and questions have been popping up again lately for me. Not sure what the trigger is but as usual, I am just going with it. Pressing into the pain and letting His garment envelop my sore heart. SO thankful for His mercies that are new every morning.

She is still in the bassinet in our room at night and I am loving it! I know, I know, she is 3 months old and needs to be in her own bed! She'll be in there eventually but for now I am loving listening to the baby noises she makes at night and jumping at the chance to feed her in the wee hours of the morning. It is the only quiet time we have together and I love it! We listen to the owls and coyotes in the field and I look into her big, blue eyes and try not to talk to her. She is such a little grunter when she eats and sighs so cute too. I never thought I would like 3am as much as I do! Lucy and I pray for our friends and I treasure every little puff of air she blows on my cheek. I treasure each little noise and remember how quiet it was last year this time at 3am! Oh my heart is so full and being touched so softly by my sweet Jesus.

Introducing Lucy Jean

She's here....so much to write about and so much swirling around in my head. We are floating....so in love and thankful beyond words for the gift that has been given to us. Lucy Jean arrived at 1:30am on June 28th. A 6 1/2 hour labor with no epidural and 3 pushes....every second of the pain was so worth it. I needed to feel something physical for all of the months of pain that have been in my heart the past 18 months. We were so surprised that she was a girl....3 girls in a row we have! A pink little baby girl with a head full of black hair. Pearl was our only baby born with hair and hers was dark too! Just an extra gift from God that Lucy would have her sisters dark hair. I don't think we have stopped smiling and sometimes there are tears with the smiles too. Our family has changed so much...the joy as well as the peace are tangible. Roark is a different boy...the relief is something you can see on his face. Oliver is so in love and prays the sweetest prayers for her. Zoe is the doting big sister and Josh is a very proud father. We are so thankful.....there will be more words eventually but for now only one word....HOPE.

Just some labor laughs

So, I think today may be the day to meet this baby. Why am I sitting here typing instead of watching the clock and timing these contractions, some of you may ask?! I think I am in a bit of denial. Last night the contractions were 7-8 min. apart and were like that off and on during the night. I did get some sleep and had some crazy dreams too. I dreamt I delivered the baby in the ER parking lot in the car! Not exactly what I had in mind for my 5th delivery. So, I woke up early this morning and decided to go for a walk. Maybe a walk would help speed things up....put on my little running shorts a t-shirt of J's that is hard to pull over my belly, grabbed my i-pod and headed out the door. I was hauling up some hills and people would pass me from behind and then do a double take after they looked at this woman who looked like she swallowed a basketball. I just smiled a big smile and kept on singing to my Hillsong!

I got back home, called my mom and have decided that today will probably be the day. I am sitting on the exercise ball and Oliver has asked me if he could have the ball, "I need it mom to play a game." Oh Oliver!! I am also beginning to remember the lack of privacy that is about to happen to me....all my parts out there for people to see. Hmmm, is that why people do homebirth so they can keep their crotch private?! But, the reality is that I do not care who sees what....I am having a healthy baby today and that is something that I want to tell everyone. So, if you are reading this on the 27th, will you pray for all of us. Pray for peace, a smooth delivery, a healthy baby and a clam mama and daddy? I am so looking forward to sharing good news soon.

Guess I better go find my watch and start timing these. Maybe Oliver will get this ball back soon.

Almost there!

Ok, so we are just a few days away from meeting the newest addition to our family and I am sooo nervous. I was telling Josh that I feel like a first time mom all over again. Have I forgotten everything? I am not sure I even know what to expect....I know all this is silly because it is my 5th delivery and I will know what to do. I am just nervous. Asking God to continue to hold me close and hanging onto the words I know he has spoken to me during this journey. I really can hardly wait to be holding a baby in my arms....makes me cry to even think about it. Our time with this baby will not be rushed like it was with Pearl. I need to take a deep breath and realize that I do not need to have each detail of the day planned out and treasure and enjoy each moment. Not that I didn't treasure each moment with Pearl, but I had such a short amount of time to memorize each one her features and make a lifetime of memories in just one day. This baby will be so different....I am looking forward to just holding him or her and listening to her breathe, watching her flinch and most of all listening to her cry. That is the sound I am most looking forward to. I think my senses will be on overload and maybe even now they already are! I often feel like the nerves in my body are vibrating with anticipation...that is when I need the peace that can only come from God. Peace and a love that casts out all fear. I know He will be with us as we walk through the hospital doors, walk down the same hall that was the place of the longest wheelchair ride of my life, and he will be with us as we welcome a new life into our families. I am so thankful for each step we have taken these past 18 months and anticipating the sound of the river of joy that will be in our arms. I know there will be a lot of tears....happy and sad all at the same time. What a gift life is.....

Birthday time....

May is a huge Birthday month in our family. The last 2 days of April are my mom and nephew's Birthday, my brother's is the 1st, sister's is the 7th and mine is the 27th. Busy month....then on June 5th is Pearl's Birthday. I was sort of holding my breath as we prepared to remember Pearl's day on the 5th and honestly not quite sure how it would all feel. We are anticipating the birth of our baby sometime the end of this month and even with all of that going on I found myself missing Pearl in such a deep way. On the 5th both Josh and I woke up at almost the same time...7:09am to be exact....Pearl was born at 7:11am on June 5th. It was surreal as we lay there holding each other as I silently wept. Remembering all we had been through the 24 hours before her birth and then the actual moment she arrived in our arms. I remembered as my parents, pastor and nurse gathered around my hospital bed as I held my baby and presented her back into the arms of Jesus. We played the song, "Visitor From Heaven" and I believe that as we played that song her heart beat its final beats here on earth. It was a moment I will never forget and I know that if we would have listened really closely we could have heard angel wings as well as the great cloud of witnesses surrounding us welcoming her into heaven. As we lay in bed I couldn't believe that this year had really happened to us...this was all real, we are really different and we really do have a child waiting for us in heaven. I know I have known that for this whole year but the reality of that really hit me. The longing I have to be in heaven was so much deeper this week. I know that she does not miss us, because we will be there with her in just a blink of an eye. But, I miss her so much....I am so thankful for her life, even though it was so brief. She has changed me and so many others. What a gift we were able to hold in our arms for just a short time. I was very teary the rest of the day on the 5th this week and cried more as night came. The grief was very raw and the hole in my heart so obvious. I was reminded of the words that God has planted in my heart, "There is freedom to hope"....hope that means so much. The kind of hope that is unable to be grasped until you have walked through the depths of grief and really entered into the suffering of Christ. Each time this baby inside me moves I am reminded of the hope that is physically growing in me and a hope that I am going to be able to hold in my hands in a few short weeks. This has been a long road this year and I am so thankful for those who were not afraid to enter into our grief and stay on the road with us. I was lonely at times, but knew I was never alone. It takes brave friends to walk closely with someone who is in the depths of sorrow....thank you to all of you who have stood by so close. We are thankful to have this first year behind us, not forgetting our Pearl, but moving forward into a new chapter in our book. We will never forget....I love you Pearl and am so proud to call you my daughter. What a brave girl you were and taught us so much. I can hardly wait to put may face in your thick black curls and whisper how much I love you. Until then, we will keep telling others about you and how much Jesus loves them. I love you Princess!

Some Mother's Day Giveaways

Go to 5minutesformom.com to check out what they are giving away!

The party continues!

Just a few pictures! Silly kids....never a dull moment here! Josh and I were able to get away to San Fransisco ALONE for a few days last month.

Here we are on the Golden Gate Bridge. What a great time we had!

My point of view.....

Things are changing here in so many ways! Most noticeably is the shape of my belly!! This is the view I see when looking for my feet and I love it. I am almost 31 weeks now and getting anxious to hold a crying baby in my arms. We are even letting ourselves get excited about this....such a different story than last year at this time. When we were at Sam's the other day I started to cry when I saw the boxes of newborn baby diapers and realized that we will be having those in our house again so soon. Last year I did not go out to very many places because of all the baby stuff....too hard to see. Now this year it all seems to be popping out at me and the tears come when I realize that I am getting another turn. Even the blossoms on the trees are teeming with new life and this Spring I am not resenting the new life all around me. We are so thankful. The baby moves around all the time....especially after the 5 Otter Pops I just ate tonight. I love to sit with a pen on my belly and watch the tricks the pen does! There really is someone in there who gets to be at home with us....maybe in less than 8 weeks. We are getting ready to take a deep breath soon. Josh is ready to stop holding his breath and I am too, or at least take a deep breath without shuddering. I can almost feel the baby in my arms and see those little pink cheeks glistening with my tears of joy on them. I am letting myself think about having a baby in our bed in the mornings....OK, who am I kidding, it may be for most of the night too! Makes me weep to think about the reality that is ahead of us....finally not a reality that includes planning for a hello and a goodbye so soon. We did so much preparing to say goodbye to Pearl and now, preparing to say a long hello without a goodbye to quickly follow feels so....is there even a word for how I am feeling? All that I know is I can hardly wait and just want a baby in my arms, warm cheeks to kiss, feet to rub, hands to smell and quiet nights to sit and rock. The emotions are wide and many at this point, but from this view all is well and He is faithful. Gently leading us in the tender way only our Father can.....

The kids are getting excited too! Zoe is sure this is a baby sister and her name is Cherry! I asked her last week what if the baby is a brother...she told me, with the most serious look in her eyes, "If it is a brother you will love it and if it is a sister I will love it!" Oh, sweet Zoe. Oliver is very protective of me and does not ever want me to bend down and pick up anything or bump into anything, "because if you do you may hurt the baby. I'll get it for you mom." He is a little gentleman. Roark is always wanting to know if the baby is moving and how much longer until the baby is here. He is such a little helper too! No names yet....the kids have a lot of suggestions but nothing serious yet. We'll know when this little one arrives what the name will be...or I guess we are hoping so.

Thankful for the view around us that is changing...although at times the dry, desert does not seem to far away. There are days it is cloudy and the sadness lingers. I know now where the green pastures are and I am learning my way back to those places when the days are long and dark. The view ahead is looking lush and I know there will be dry spots and dark nights ahead, but the river of joy up ahead is getting louder and soon will be just the sound I am longing to hear...the cry of a baby in my arms.

Keeping a quiet heart....

My heart has stopped pounding and the questions have settled down. I am trying to rest in the winds of change that are blowing and let the breeze be reassuring instead of frightening. He is holding my heart tenderly and calling for me to rest in His shadow. This is a good place to be, instead of flailing around frustrated. I want to do nothing that will take away from the specialness (is that a word?) of who Pearl was....only be a part of the plans that God has for our family because she is a part of us.

Keeping a quiet heart is a good place to be, thinking on the things that are true and and standing on the firm foundation that is beneath my feet.