Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The finish line....

We made it through the weekend.....there were some tears, some laughs, a bit of relaxing and a lot of remembering. I was so surprised at the details both J and I remembered about March 22nd. It amazes me how quickly the memories can come up and surprise you when you least expect it. Kind of like a melting icee...all the thick syrup at the bottom and it only takes a little jolt to get it all mixed together again. I feel like everything is all mixed together again after the weekend. Sometimes I have all the emotions in little compartments and just when I think I have everything where it needs to be...I get bumped into and it is all mixed up again. Then the crying starts again, the fear and the profound feelings of emptiness. I am not sure any of these feelings are ever gone...just always sitting right below the surface. I do not think there is really ever an end...here on earth...to these feelings. There is not a finish line waiting for me when the journey of grief is over. I am moving forward...but the only finish line on this journey will be the one when I get to heaven...and hopefully hear, "Well done!" I want to hear that at the finish line as I look into the eyes of Jesus and then peak behind His robe and look into the eyes of my sweet Pearl...then the journey of grief will be over! Death will no longer sting and there will be no more tears. I want the vision of that moment to burn in my heart...to keep me ruined for the ordinary!

As I took time to remember on Saturday I began thinking about all the things I will never do with Pearl. I will not get to snuggle in bed with her, I will not take her for a walk, I will not wipe her nose, I will not kiss her sweet cheeks, I will not swing with her, I will not fight over hairbow or no hairbow, I will not teach her to read....the list could go on forever. I do know one thing that I will ALWAYS be able to do WITH her...worship! She is in the actual presence of God spending her time worshipping....all the time!! When I chose to sing and worship I am doing the exact thing Pearl is doing at that very moment. When I can press in and chose to worship I am doing something with my sweet baby! So...if the music is extra loud around here these days....you will know what I am doing!

1 comment:

Adrienne said...

Awesome! Crank it up, friend! Play it loud!