Who am I?

I have been trying to figure out lately who I am! You would think that a 33 almost 34 year old would have some sort of an idea of who she is or at least who she wants to be. No, not me! Josh has been talking about a job change again and it seems as if this one may happen. We won't know for a few more days but if he does get this he will be traveling 6-8 days a month. Now, that may not sound like very much to some of you, but he has never traveled before and I still cry every time he leaves for a trip without me. I can't sleep when he is gone, the kids miss him so much and I am not sure how I will handle this. Now, all this is what got me started on wondering who I am. I think the Laura of a year ago could have handled the thought of her husband going away for those days...I would just do it and make the best of it. But, because I was pregnant for 8 months and said goodbye to that baby, was so sad for so long and probably depressed at times, not pregnant for 4 months and now pregnant again with a new baby due in 4 months!! I don't even remember what it feels like to be me. I know that the person I was before last year will never be back and in some ways that is good, but it is also hard at the same time to figure out if I have it in me to just be stable. It has been so long since I have been truly happy, not tired or sad. I think I am in survival mode right now and am sure that I will need some kind of counseling when this baby arrives to deal with all the emotions that are going to go along with that. I guess it will be counseling or a month with Josh at a beach resort! When Josh asked me if I could handle being without him for those days every other week I didn't know how to answer because I really didn't know how I would be. I do know that things will level out emotionally a bit when I have this baby and we will both be so excited to be holding a baby in our arms! The things I am worried about are small things and really I shouldn't be worrying anyway. As I was fretting about all this and trying to figure out who I am I was reminded by that still, small voice that I do know whose I am! I will always be taken care of because of who I belong to and He will never leave me or forsake me. SO...I guess that is all I need to know is whose I am, and the who am I will fall into place!

Robert A. Mac Murchy Jr.

Two years ago today a man that had a profound impact in shaping me into who I am today was suddenly called home to be with Jesus. His precious wife continues to be one of my most favorite people in the world as well as a woman who speaks so much into my life. I was thinking last night about some of my favorite memories with Robert and Caren too and came up with so many. I even chuckled out loud thinking of some of the funnier ones. Just think... all this started in a small art room at Dry Creek Elementary School. Sometimes only a handful of youth, but always a remnant who were there because they had a passion to hear from God and Robert always made sure that we were a passionate group who had one goal in mind....to worship. I can still see Robert up there playing the guitar...sometimes fumbling his way through a song, but always leading us to the throne. On Wednesday nights there were 20 of us crammed into a sometimes very smelly and hot, conference room with an orange lamp sporting a burned shade....worshipping with our whole hearts, our faces on the ground crying out to God. These were the life changing moments that ruined so many of us for the ordinary. We came to worship and pray...when Robert scheduled a volleyball night in the summer we were all a bit disappointed because there would be no worship that night! Odd group we were!! I don't know if Robert ever fully comprehended the impact he made on so many lives.....an impact that has changed generations. There are many of us that were his "first fruit" and now have children of our own that we are raising to be worshippers and ruined for the ordinary. I like to think that Robert is in heaven even now, leading worship with Pearl and a few of the others who have babies waiting for them in heaven. Caren has done and continues to do an amazing job of carrying on the vision Robert had to see lives changed and to see people thinking outside the box. I look forward to the day when we are reunited with the man who helped to shape us...I just hope he knew while he was here how we loved him and how thankful we were for all he poured into us. I know we had funny ways of showing our love....The man that so honestly asked us one night at Youth Group to pray for his hemorrhoids...we laughed and the next week late at night we found a nasty toilet at a bus stop (don't ask!) stuffed clothes with newspaper, made a man and put a package of Tucks in his hand! We drove to their house late at night, put the toilet on the lawn with the man sitting on the toilet with the Tucks and left it there! I think Robert and Caren left it there for a while. Another time we had a brilliant idea of spreading lard all over his van....that poor van was never the same. Wasn't fun to be in a rainstorm with those windshield wipers! Most summer nights they had trees full of toilet paper and one night the police even came, caught 2 of us and walked us up to their door. Robert and Caren just laughed and invited the rest of us to come back in! What fun we had! There were also times that Robert was not going to let things slide....we still talk about the time in Youth Group when a boy was telling another one of his many sad stories and Robert looked at him and said, "That's a load of crap (insert name) and you know it"! Always keep us honest, and teaching us how to love well all at the same time. It was silent in the room for a bit after that! Oh, Robert how we loved you and continue to love your precious bride too. Can't wait to see you soon!

Happy Birthday Princess Zoe!

Today Zoe is 3!! Seems like yesterday I was looking into the dark blue eyes of my sweet baby girl. I was so sure she was a boy and so surprised when I leaned down to hold her as she was coming out....I looked between her legs...nothing there!! I whispered through my tears, "It's a girl!" Josh was a mess and has been a ball of putty around here since the moment he saw her. So thankful for this little ball of liquid sunshine! She is running around in her new swimsuit right now, it is only 30 degrees outside ! Guess we are ready for summer here. For her Birthday she asked for, "Flowers, new panties, and lipstick." Did I say she is only 3? She did get all of those things and more....let's say my sister has something great coming for my nephew's Birthday in April! What a great day we had with her. Her cheeks are as soft and full as the day she was born, and her lips are so kissable. What a treat she is....even on the hard days. She has such a precious heart that I hope never goes away...each night for the past 8 months she has been praying, "Jesus- help mommy to have another baby and for the baby to grow big and strong." She is the one who has had the most faith and I know God is listening to her. Zoe- I love you so much princess and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Keep spreading sunshine wherever you go! Happy, Happy Birthday!

Trees

These past days have been such a blur.....so much to be digesting and so little space to just sit and be. Thursday as well as the last few days after our ultrasound have been a surreal experience for me. As we drove to our appointment I was staring out the window begging God not to let the view look any different on our way home. All the emotions of how we drove home after finding the news about Pearl came flooding back in. Then that quiet voice came and reminded me of the song I woke up singing that morning....the hymn "Blessed Assurance". I can't remember the last time I heard or sang that song. The words are so rich and the truth so loudly spoken. The rest of the drive I tired to breathe and sing the song, knowing that no matter the outcome of the visit He loved me and we did have Blessed Assurance that all will be well and we will praise our Saviour all the day long. Perfect submission all is at rest, perfect delight, echos of mercy and whispers of love...ahh good words. (Avalon has a great version of this song!) The walk into the office was long and we were pretty quiet. As soon as the tech told us she was ready I burst into tears and it took me a bit to get it together and lay back on the table. I knew I had to stop crying so she could get a good look at the baby. She was so good to us and explained everything in detail. I must have asked 100 times, "Are you sure everything looks alright?" Both J and I wept as she went through all the measurements and showed us a full head of brain....the relief in the room was almost tangible. SO many things we were able to see on that screen that we never saw on Pearl. I kept seeing Pearl's sweet face in my head as we looked at this baby's complete face....maybe this baby wouldn't even be here if Pearl was here with us. What a gift these children are! When the sonographer was done I couldn't believe it was over. It went by so fast....it was peaceful and so good. The phone calls after we were done were tear filled, but such a testimony of God's faithfulness. I am ashamed to say I was not sure those were the kind of phone calls we were going to get to make. Great faith I have huh?!

I knew that we would survive whatever the news would be and that we would continue to cling to Him in all things. I am so thankful for the good news...thankful that our roots go down deep even in the times where there seem to be no leaves on our tree. There is a big sycamore tree in our neighbors yard that I see every morning...right now it is ugly and has no leaves on it and is blown around and frozen most of the time these days. I do know that in a couple more months this tree will have huge, green leaves on it and will be beautiful. This tree survives the harsh winters because it's roots go down deep and is nourished even in the times the land is dry. I feel like that is where we are right now....the leaves were shaken off our tree for a season, but our roots went down deep and we hung onto the source of our strength. We did our best to fight of disease and stayed close to our provider..even lifted our dry branches to Him when it took all we had to stand. We will flourish again...the leaves will come back. First the tiny buds, then great big leaves that will be like the oak tree that Is. 61 talks about....a display of His splendor. I want that and am looking forward to this next season of our lives. I do know that there will be other season when the leaves will fall and we will fee dry, but we will never uproot ourselves looking for another source. We are camped in the land of hope...we have walked through the valley of sorrows and are walking toward the river of joy. Our roots need some of that kind of water, so our leaves will grow and be a picture of His redemption for all to see. When I get afraid I will continue to trust Him....no matter what. Thankful for the other trees that are around us as a display of His splendor. What a forest we live in....wanting the light to filter in and shine so all the trees are nourished.

It is well.....

The report from our ultrasound today was perfect! We are so thankful and I have a heart full of things I want to write about, but for now I am exhausted and ready to go to bed! I will write more tomorrow and fill in the details. Sweet, sweet sleep will be here tonight for all of us!

Almost tomorrow....

Tomorrow is the big day for our ultrasound....I am not afraid, just very anxious to have this over and start getting excited about this baby. I am not sleeping well at all! My nights go like this, fall asleep at 9pm, wide awake at midnight and up with my thoughts and a few of the same songs until 5am! Not fun! Sometimes if I can visualize myself going into a situation I am nervous about it takes away some of the fear and then it doesn't seem so big. When I try to do that in the middle of the night I am reminded of what I heard so clearly in my heart right after we found out we were pregnant. I was fretting about the ultrasound and how that would feel to be there...I heard a voice in my heart like never before that said, "Don't go there!" I knew exactly where that there was! I am unable to go there in my head and just know that I have to get out of the car tomorrow and bravely walk into that office and take a peek into the babe growing and moving in my belly. There will be grace each step of the way and I know I have to go. I have already asked Josh if he would be willing to go without me to this appointment. He took me in his arms with a smile on his face and told me that if he could he would, but they need my uterus at this appointment! So, no getting out of this one! We are trusting for the best report ever. This is going to be a year of redemption for so many we know that have had such great loss in 2006. Many new babies coming into lives of those that have suffered loss...S, S, V, J, S, and more. We are on that list too and will be a testimony to God's faithfulness...even in the times in the valley of sorrow. Maybe tonight if I do not sleep I will begin to craft my blog post about our good news! Thank you all for praying for us!

Greetings from the land of snoring!

What a crazy 10 days we have had here! Plenty of sleepless nights and plenty of things to laugh about...because we would be crying if it weren't so funny. Oliver's surgery went well....he was so brave and acted like such a big boy. When the nurse came in to ask him what he was there for he said, "I am here to have my septum repaired and my tonsils and adenoids out." Just like that! She smiled and brought her friends back to see this curly haired, brown eyed little boy. At one point before he went back he pulled me close and said, "Mom, I am just really, really nervous." The Dr was pleased with how the surgery went and was on his way then left us in recovery with a hysterical little boy who was so scared and hurting. We were on our way home in 2 hours. Have you ever tried to get a very smart and articulate 5 year old to drink and take nasty medicine without a fight? I want to hear from you if you have made this work without losing your cool at least once! We have used every bribe we could ever think of and at one point last week, this calm and cool mama lost it. I mean really lost it....I was screaming at Oliver how ridiculous this was that he would not drink and how he HAD to drink this NOW and take this medicine RIGHT NOW! Not pretty....as I was yelling I was once again in awe of how I could let a 5 year old control my emotions so well. Zoe came running up the steps and wondered aloud, "What is eerone yellin bout?" Both Oliver and I were crying at this point. I apologized and he drank and took the medicine. By this point I was hoping for someone to start yelling at me to take some medicine!

He is doing better after an overnight stay in the hospital on Saturday for some IV steroids, IV fluid and oxygen. I was teary last night when I went into his room and heard that for the first time I can remember he was breathing quietly...let me say that again....quietly through his nose. He is still waking up at night 3 or 4 times becsue his throat hurts, but I think he is getting better. Being up at night makes me even more anxious to have a hungry baby in my arms in those wee hours of the morning.....for now I will have to settle for a crying 5 year old with dragon breath refusing to take some more Tylenol at 3am! I do love him so much!

Just 2 funny stories from our time....On Wednesday night last week we heard Oliver crying upstairs and knew Roark was with him. Josh and I ran up the stairs ready to pounce on whoever was hurting Oliver! The boys were standing in the bathroom wiping the blood from Oliver's mouth....Roark pulled Oliver's barely loose tooth in just a few yanks! Brings new meaning to just wanting to hurt yourself when you feel so bad! Oliver was so proud of this new space in his mouth. A bit later I walked by the trash can and saw something white with blood spots all over it. Hmmm...as I unfolded this I discovered it was the underwear Roark had on that day! After asking our budding dentist a few questions I discovered that Roark had used this pair of dirty underwear to pull Oliver's tooth! Gross! The next day Oliver asked for his popsicle stick, quietly went upstairs and a while later returned with another tooth in his hand and announced that he used the popsicle stick to push his tooth out! These 2 boys are going to always going to keep us on our toes!

A few days later I was mixing up medicine for Oliver and for the first time he saw me mix 2 kinds into the same syringe. He was horrified and I stammered and told him I had been doing this all week and it was just like one kind of medicine. He looked at me with big tears in his eyes and said in the saddest voice ever,"Mom, this is the first time you have ever lied to me and I can't believe it." Poor Oliver!

So, we are coming out of the land of snoring and hopefully into some more sleep filled nights. I am continuing to wrestle with my fears and have finally scheduled our "Big Ultrasound" for the 15th. I am nervous, but trying to remember that He will never leave us or forsake us. I just so want to have good news and be able to start telling people that there is another one on the way here and it is going to be a healthy baby. The times I start questioning God and wondering what he is doing and why I am reminded of his response to Job after he is trying to "figure out" what GOD is doing and why all this has happened to him. God so eloquently reminds Job who he is and even asks him if he was there when HE laid the foundations of the earth. Was Job the one who told the sun to rise, told the stars where to go, could he raise his voice and tell the clouds to flood where you stand, do the lightening bolts report to you? I have to chuckle when I read this and then am so thankful that I am not in charge of all those things and so many others. GOD is and he is good. God even cares where and how the ostrich lays her eggs.....He is so much bigger than I could ever imagine and does care about all those seemingly little things that swirl around in my head, but who am I to question why he does what he does?! We are at his mercy and do want him to do what he wants with us...even when it hurts. But, I do know he loves us and treats us so tenderly even when we do question. He is quietly calming my heart and I am trusting him. In the end Job continued to trust God with all of his heart and blessed him with more then he ever sould have even imagined....God even doubled the number of children he had...he had 20 children with him when he went to heaven! We are trusting and hoping with all hope for the best report ever about this baby next week.