Saturday, September 23, 2006
Here is my toothless 1st grader! His teeth are so cute...some big and some small! Yes, I am no longer blonde. I decided I needed a change in my hair for fall...
Another fall season of TV has begun and I actually sat down and watched a show on Thursday night....drum roll please....UNINTERRUPTED! So great to sit by myself with the remote in my hand and in control of the FF button as the commercials came on. Hmmm, do I have some issues? Anyway...I was not prepared for how this show was going to move me. Grey's Anatomy was the show that I was watching and was teary for most of the time. I do like this show because of the complexity to each person...makes me think, unlike so much of what else is on TV. Each character was going through so much, but the whole episode was about time and what we do with the time that we have been given. I have obviously been thinking a lot about time and how that small word affects every area of our lives. I was especially relating to Izzy....at the end of last season her fiancee died from some medical complications. She was laying on her bathroom floor for most of the episode talking and replaying so many of the memories that were coming back to her. She was in the same clothes she wore when her finance died. As I listened to her talk, I began to realize that I think so many of the same things....What am I going to do now? Why does is seem like I am the only one moving in slow motion and the rest of the world is spinning by? Why does this hurt so bad? She did not want to change her dress because that was what she had on the last time she saw Denny. I started crying as I remembered coming home from the hospital without Pearl and not wanting to change my shirt that she was laying against, not wanting to change my bra because there was still blood on it firm the delivery and not wanting to wash the lovie that I had with me because Pearl had touched it and I had wiped her face with it. I so could relate to wanting everything to stay the same. But, it does not....time does move on, if we are ready or not. By the end of the show Izzy slowly stood up and said,"I'm ready" and Meredith unzipped her dress for her. I too am getting off the bathroom floor and saying, "I'm ready". I don't want this world to pass me by, I want to be a part of what God is doing....I'm ready for whatever comes my way...only because when I am weak He is strong, and man am I ever weak. Oh, by the way, I still have not washed Pearl's lovie and the bra I had on at her delivery still has so much of her on it...it is in my box and will never be washed. PS- Go download the Mat Kearney song "All I Need" , close your eyes and breathe......
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
I am doing a Pre-K homeschool with O this year and loving it! He is so hungry to learn and I have loved having him home with me and not having to share my little ray of sunshine with anyone! Painting is his favorite and each warm day we will paint outside...painting inside is not my favorite!
The last few days I have been feeling a bit better....I think. It is almost as if I am holding my breath waiting for the hole to appear in front of my feet. I am hoping that my feet are making their way to the greener pastures and moving out of the darkest part of the valley. I know that there will be dark days every now and then with those shadows that seem to haunt me at times, but maybe just maybe I am out of the darkest part. Not sure what is making this a bit more bearable, but maybe I am actually feeling the prayers of some of my friends. I know so many are praying for me and I am feeling a bit of that strength. I finally feel like I am going to make it.....I have a few new friends that are on this journey with me and I know that has helped to make this burden lighter. I am seeing how much He really does love me even in the midst of the hardest times. "I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit- not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength- that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all Christians the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test it's length! Plumb the depth's! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. " Ephesians 3:14-19
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
It all seems to be going way to fast...and in some ways much to slow. I took Z to her first ballet class last week....how did she get to be so big? My little ballerina continues to melt my heart daily! I am trying to get out more and let people know where my heart has been and where it is going. Each day I find myself being so thankful for the new friends that God has brought into my life since Pearl has been here. What a gift it is to me to have people around me that understand how I feel. Now...this next comment does not pertain to all of my friends I had before Pearl...just some. But, I must say some of my old friends are the ones that feel farthest away from me. I try to tell them how I am feeling and it is almost as if it scares them. My friends who have had tragedies in their lives are the ones that seem to get it. My friends who have never treated me any different also get it too....they treat me as "just Laura" who is just a little more sad then usual. Did I do this to myself by not being around a lot of people for the last 4 months? I guess people have kind of forgotten and moved on...which is alright, people need to get on with their lives and I really am fine with that. But, I am on a different path than I was before March 22nd and I will never again be on the same road that I was on before. Not that I miss that other road...but, I do sort of miss who I was before that. More carefree, joyful, rested, not skeptical, content and with a few less wrinkles. How do I reconnect with those who have not followed me closely on this journey? How can I let go of my hurt that so many don't seem to understand where I am? I can't expect everyone to try to know how I feel ......I need to lower my expectations. I need to just go with how I am feeling and not let others dictate how I should act. I so want others to feel comfortable around me and I want to be with some of my old friends. Maybe to much time has gone by and things will never be the same.....I guess that is my own fault. I love the new friends that God has brought to me and pray that I will be able to be a good friend to them too. As well as continue to be a good friend to my old friends too. Just remember when you are talking to someone who is in the midst of grieving...just be yourself, there are no words needed just a big hug and to let them know you are thinking of them and really care about them. I hope I am learning to in this process how to be a better friend to those who are grieving. This is just another piece of what it means to bury a child. I know that I look at so many things differently. I know I hug R,O&Z tighter everyday and each day try to remember all the details of my precious Pearl...how we miss her. The ache is getting better somedays and I feel as if just the thought of her doesn't make me cry in an instant. That feels good to be able to control some of the tears. Still so looking forward to the day we will hold her in our arms again.....with all of our family and friends around us....loving all 6 of us.
Thursday, September 07, 2006
On Tuesday the 5th it was 3 months since out little visitor from heaven was here. In the mail that day we received the pictures we had taken as a family the week before she was born. These are so special because this is all we have of all 6 of us! I can hardly believe it has been that long and at the same time I look at the calendar and think how short that really feels. So much has changed since then....I know I even physically look different. Ok, not just the fact that there is no longer a baby in there, but my eyes just feel like they look sad. I hate the way I see things with sad eyes now. I know that is going to get better eventually.....I will be able to look at babies and other pregnant mamas without being sad, but maybe I'll never be able to look at them without that crook in my arm aching. I think that the twinge in the crook of my arm must be what phantom limb pain is.....such a strange sensation. Even my other 3 kids look different, they look so much more grown up to me when I think all they have seen in the past 3 months of their lives. They are so brave and I am so proud of them. Today Oliver was home with one of the girls in our neighborhood while I went to go get Roark from school. When I came home Oliver told me he showed the girls "Pearl's movie" because he wanted to show them his baby sister. He is so proud of her and who she is to our family...he has no shame in the fact that she is no longer here physically in our home...he just loves her. That melted my heart that he is not afraid to talk about her to others....this challenged me as well because I would rather just hide out at home than have to go places, run into people and answer questions! Am I dishonoring Pearl by staying holed up? Am I making the wrong decision by choosing to stay in so I can avoid the stares and avoid making others feel uncomfortable with me? Do I need to be like Oliver and just get out there and not be afraid? I guess it is just hard to be putting myself physically out there. I know that with each day God is shaping us to be who he wants us to be....even as time goes by and the floodwaters recede, we are seeing around us the new landscape that our lives have become. It is now up to us what we will do with that......will I share this new land with others? Will I water it and make it an inviting place? Will I let it dry up and become barren? Whatever decision I make I want to honor the life of my precious baby as well as honor The One who is carrying us on this journey.
Monday, September 04, 2006
We went on a great hike yesterday......the boys did the whole 2 miles with no complaining and J had Z in a backpack the whole time! Actually J may have complained more than the boys did about the little princess that he was carrying. I know she had a great time having her daddies undivided attention all day. I wonder how many times he heard the ABC's? I was just watching the whole scene from the back and all the sudden I was once again overcome by the obvious.....there was one of us missing. It seems as if these family outings have a gaping hole in them....I miss the fact that there should be a baby with us. I should have been carrying Pearl in a Bijorn and having to stop to nurse her in the great outdoors. When will the obvious hole be less painful? When will I not be looking around and feel like something is missing? However, as we walked in such a beautiful setting I was reminded of how wide, how deep and how long God's love is for us......we are never missing from his sight even on some of those days we feel forgotten. We had a peaceful time as a family....now if only I could bottle up that feeling and bring it to my house with me to carry me through the "everydayness" of it all. I guess all I need to do is look at those 4 beautiful smiles that are looking at me each day and know that Pearl is smiling at the face of Jesus too......then that peace will continue to be there. I know that all in my head I just need my heart to catch up with all that.....just going to take time!
Friday, September 01, 2006
Ever feel like eating a bug? I guess R did! He is my brave one that is always pushing the limits....but very carefully. I love how he lives life....always looking for the next adventure but careful to calculate the risk as well as the reward. He knew this would make a great picture, but not a great experience....chomping on a bug. I guess this is kind of like life too....not everything is as it seems. This time that we are going through has always been one of my greatest fears...having to bury one of my own children. But, I am living through my greatest fear....I am living and I will continue to live. That is why this is not as is seems it should be....if the devil had his way I would have let this kill me and not have me asking God to tell my heart what my head knows is true. Yes, there are days I want to be done with all of this and I am still so profoundly sad, but I am going to make it. I have to tell myself this often...God is trustworthy and will take care of me. Hmmmm maybe I'll go and have a bug for dinner!