Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Another day...

It all seems to be going way to fast...and in some ways much to slow. I took Z to her first ballet class last did she get to be so big? My little ballerina continues to melt my heart daily! I am trying to get out more and let people know where my heart has been and where it is going. Each day I find myself being so thankful for the new friends that God has brought into my life since Pearl has been here. What a gift it is to me to have people around me that understand how I feel. Now...this next comment does not pertain to all of my friends I had before Pearl...just some. But, I must say some of my old friends are the ones that feel farthest away from me. I try to tell them how I am feeling and it is almost as if it scares them. My friends who have had tragedies in their lives are the ones that seem to get it. My friends who have never treated me any different also get it too....they treat me as "just Laura" who is just a little more sad then usual. Did I do this to myself by not being around a lot of people for the last 4 months? I guess people have kind of forgotten and moved on...which is alright, people need to get on with their lives and I really am fine with that. But, I am on a different path than I was before March 22nd and I will never again be on the same road that I was on before. Not that I miss that other road...but, I do sort of miss who I was before that. More carefree, joyful, rested, not skeptical, content and with a few less wrinkles. How do I reconnect with those who have not followed me closely on this journey? How can I let go of my hurt that so many don't seem to understand where I am? I can't expect everyone to try to know how I feel ......I need to lower my expectations. I need to just go with how I am feeling and not let others dictate how I should act. I so want others to feel comfortable around me and I want to be with some of my old friends. Maybe to much time has gone by and things will never be the same.....I guess that is my own fault. I love the new friends that God has brought to me and pray that I will be able to be a good friend to them too. As well as continue to be a good friend to my old friends too. Just remember when you are talking to someone who is in the midst of grieving...just be yourself, there are no words needed just a big hug and to let them know you are thinking of them and really care about them. I hope I am learning to in this process how to be a better friend to those who are grieving. This is just another piece of what it means to bury a child. I know that I look at so many things differently. I know I hug R,O&Z tighter everyday and each day try to remember all the details of my precious we miss her. The ache is getting better somedays and I feel as if just the thought of her doesn't make me cry in an instant. That feels good to be able to control some of the tears. Still so looking forward to the day we will hold her in our arms again.....with all of our family and friends around us....loving all 6 of us.

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