Thursday, September 07, 2006
On Tuesday the 5th it was 3 months since out little visitor from heaven was here. In the mail that day we received the pictures we had taken as a family the week before she was born. These are so special because this is all we have of all 6 of us! I can hardly believe it has been that long and at the same time I look at the calendar and think how short that really feels. So much has changed since then....I know I even physically look different. Ok, not just the fact that there is no longer a baby in there, but my eyes just feel like they look sad. I hate the way I see things with sad eyes now. I know that is going to get better eventually.....I will be able to look at babies and other pregnant mamas without being sad, but maybe I'll never be able to look at them without that crook in my arm aching. I think that the twinge in the crook of my arm must be what phantom limb pain is.....such a strange sensation. Even my other 3 kids look different, they look so much more grown up to me when I think all they have seen in the past 3 months of their lives. They are so brave and I am so proud of them. Today Oliver was home with one of the girls in our neighborhood while I went to go get Roark from school. When I came home Oliver told me he showed the girls "Pearl's movie" because he wanted to show them his baby sister. He is so proud of her and who she is to our family...he has no shame in the fact that she is no longer here physically in our home...he just loves her. That melted my heart that he is not afraid to talk about her to others....this challenged me as well because I would rather just hide out at home than have to go places, run into people and answer questions! Am I dishonoring Pearl by staying holed up? Am I making the wrong decision by choosing to stay in so I can avoid the stares and avoid making others feel uncomfortable with me? Do I need to be like Oliver and just get out there and not be afraid? I guess it is just hard to be putting myself physically out there. I know that with each day God is shaping us to be who he wants us to be....even as time goes by and the floodwaters recede, we are seeing around us the new landscape that our lives have become. It is now up to us what we will do with that......will I share this new land with others? Will I water it and make it an inviting place? Will I let it dry up and become barren? Whatever decision I make I want to honor the life of my precious baby as well as honor The One who is carrying us on this journey.