My heart

My heart has been so heavy...I know it is the combination of so many things. Seasons changing always throws me to the edge of the hole again...so many memories for me that come with the change of seasons. Every time I hope it will be different and it isn't. I'm learning to just go with it and let myself be sad if I need to be. Sad for what I'm missing, sad for what so many others are missing right now. I know on this side of heaven something will always be missing...there are just moments that is feels more obvious than others.

I so want to go to the cemetery to visit Pearl and just haven't been brave enough to go there lately. I think I am afraid of what I will do...it's been a while since I have been and even typing that out feels so wrong. I use to go every week and now....I just miss her so much. Sweet baby girl all snuggled up in my arms...I can take a deep breath and still feel her little behind in the crook of my arm. I am so thankful I can still feel it...even 2 years later. I don't think the longing to hold her again will ever go away, I think it just gets easier to walk the road with an intense longing in your heart.

The presentations for String of Pearls have been made at 2 local OB offices and I will be going to a large Perinatologist practice in 2 weeks. I am amazed at how God uses the longing in my heart to hold my Pearl, to show the Dr's how real this journey really is. I feel so passionate about providing each family the privilege of holding their baby in their arms and never forgetting the weight of their sweet behind.

I know the longing and sadness in my heart is for these families who are at the beginning of this journey. I think of these women all the time...praying for a blanket of peace to be around them. Just like the blanket covering me. The peace is real...we just need to crawl to it. Will you pray for: Christina, Nicole, Shannon, Jennifer, Sadie, Jessie and Stacy. Amazing brave families who are going to meet their babies soon or have already said hello and goodbye.

I am so thankful for the moments with Pearl....thankful for the reminder of the season changes. Thankful He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Focus on the Family

The interview Josh and I did for Focus on the Family in November of last year is out today. This will be perfect for me to take to the office on Friday...this give a quick glimpse of why we did what we did with Pearl.

http://www.heartlink.org/beavoice/A000000640.cfm

We are praying many families are touched by this story and many babies will get the chance to be held in the arms of their mama and daddy before they are held in the arms of Jesus.

My button!

MCK mama made me my own button for String of Pearls and her sweet friend Jennisa at http://www.onceuponablog.org/ helped me get the button posted so you can add the button to your blog too!! Just copy the text in the small box and add it as a gadget to your sidebar on your blog. I am so thankful for all of the help they gave me.

So many have contacted us looking for information about String of Pearls. Please keep praying for these families..they are hurting and scared. We are so thankful we are able to let others know there is hope as they walk this journey.

Will you pray for me on Friday this week? I am going to present String of Pearls to the office where I went when I was pregnant with Pearl...and the other 4 kids too! This could be an emotional morning, but once again I am so honored to be able to present to the medical professionals that we want to work with them as a team to be able to offer women a choice! I continue to stand amazed at God's faithfulness to us on this journey.

I am continuing to ask Him for strength and courage to walk on this road...there are moments I am very tired, but then I hear the still small voice gently leading me forward and I can almost hear my Pearl saying, "I love you mama, I am proud of you." Then I can keep going...I am praying many of you will hear the sweet, gentle voice of Jesus as well and continue to walk the path you have so bravely chosen. You are not alone...we are cheering you on and I know your babies are too.

I am amazed

The conference this weekend was great...I talked for over an hour and we had some time to answer questions. J and I were able to talk with some people after the meeting and I know many were touched by Pearl's story. People gained a better understanding of grief and if only one person walked away knowing better how to talk to a grieving person then it was all worth it. I could tell so many were praying...I wasn't really nervous and my voice didn't even shake! I am looking forward to the next time we are able to tell our story.

I received an email this week from MCK Mama...some of you may know her! She is now 30 weeks pregnant with Stellan....he is a miracle baby! Check out her blog for the full story by clicking on the button to the right...yes up there! She asked me if people wanting to donate in Stellan's honor could donate to String of Pearls! I was so honored as well as surprised...then I was reminded that nothing takes God by surprise so I should say yes...I did say yes with a lump in my throat and a tears in my eyes. This really isn't about the money..although money is something we do need to keep String of Pearls running. We do need money for brochures and gift packets etc....this is really about reaching families who feel so alone. This is about giving people a different option and a hand to hold. I am honored God would use us this way. Thank you so much MCK Mama for allowing Stellan to be a part of our story.

Settling in

Thanks so much for praying for me....I do feel as if I am settling into the fall routine and feeling better about getting String of Pearls launched. I am speaking at a conference this weekend about our time with Pearl as well as the basics of Perinatal Hospice. I do have most of my talk figured out...just need to do some more fine tuning. Keep praying for me when you think about it! I know this is going to be an incredible opportunity to tell our story and make others aware of resources available to families who are walking this difficult road.

I am bringing everyone to the conference this weekend...in a beautiful city in the mountains! It will be good for us to be away all together with no distractions. My talk is early Saturday morning, so we will have time to play too. R is a little nervous about me telling our story....he wanted to know if I was going to cry. I told him I probably would but I would be ok. He is having a hard time adjusting to school....I was praying for him last week and felt like I needed to let his teacher know some of the history at our house. I am not using our history as an excuse for attitude but I felt like he was afraid to leave the girls and I at home. I had a good talk with his teacher and a good talk with R as well. I know he is worried bout leaving L all day...most mornings he says to me, "Mom, make sure L doesn't walk today without me and make sure the basement door is closed." Today I left the girls with a baby sitter and he couldn't believe I was going to let "L crawl around all day while I wasn't home with her. Will you make sure she is safe with the babysitter?" Poor boy is so worried about L. We have been praying for the fear to not take root in his heart and for him to be peaceful and content. I know grieving is a process and sometimes I forget how deeply my kids have been affected by the loss of Pearl too. They don't even know why they are feeling those anxious, fearful thoughts....this is a good reminder for us to be praying for their hearts to be covered as well as wisdom to know how to talk with them and help them to be able to articulate how they are feeling. I guess this is the prayer we need to have for our own hearts too....this is all part of the journey.