Thursday, October 26, 2006
We were able to finally get away for a few days this week. We went to Glenwood Springs with the kids and stayed in a great hotel. It is over 100 years old with all kinds of fun pictures all over as well as beds that felt like they were 100 years old! We played in the hot springs with the kids, ate way to much and had a great time just being together. I was actually able to relax for an extended period of time for the first time in more than 8 months. It felt so good to be away from the phones, computer and the dust that is rapidly accumulating in my house. I needed this....I do think for the first time in a long time I laughed without thinking of Pearl. It was so good to be with my husband and kids in an environment where we were not distracted. However, I still did feel like one of us was missing. I couldn't help but to feel like we should have been asking for a table of 6. I so want to have another little one running around here and we are just praying for the right time. Part of me is scared to try again and the other part of me is sure that God would not let this happen to us again. I can't have the baby phase here end the way it did. I don't think we are not finished yet. I know this will be a huge surprise to some people that we are willing to try this again, and maybe we are crazy but I just don't think we are done. I do know God is not finished with us either.......Josh and I had a lot of time to talk this week. We talked about where we felt like God is leading us and what may be ahead if us in the next 5 years. Book writing, speaking, leading, babies, new jobs, teenagers!, vacations, and doing life with those around us that we love. Life is bigger than we imagine and I know the past 8 months of our lives we have seen how big things are around us. We do see through the glass dimly on this side of eternity and I hope that at times we can get the scraper out and see through that glass more clearly at times. I want to have the character to live large even through the hard times and keep pressing forward. I am trying.....I want to keep going and meeting others on the journey that we are walking on and walk together. I think I'll go kiss my kids now and curl up with my latest book, "Rooms of Marvels"...a book about heaven. Maybe I'll dream of Pearl tonight. I can only hope.....
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
I am not liking the feeling of everything changing. I have had enough change in my life the past 5 months haven't I. I thought by changing the color of my hair I would be changing something I had control over and now I don't even like that anymore. Too much change!! The weather is changing...we had our first snow yesterday and I even went sledding with the kids today. Fun, but now that really means my days in my black flip flops are over. I think that as the season changes I am once again reminded that time is still moving forward and at times without me. We are getting new carpet, yes a good thing, but another change. The house is in shambles and I think I am getting a tic. I need consistency in my life! J has been talking about some new things too. Yikes! More change and maybe a big one. I want to do what is going to make him happy, but I am not sure I can go through any kind of a move right now. Even a move that is an hour away. I love the school we are in, good friends and I feel like we are settling into the community there. I guess what I do need is for God to change my heart....I need to trust Him more and to know that it is not about where we are, it is about the people that God wants us to meet. Who does God want us to touch? Today when I was cleaning all the stuff out of closets making a huge mess to prepare for the new carpet, I came across a really old planner of mine. Remember those big Franklin Covey planners? Yes, that one with the cool leather cover. Anyway, I found some of the notes my mom had written me as I prepared to leave for another semester of college. I sat on the floor and cried. I thought of all the things she said to me about God preparing me for what will lie ahead in my life and I cried out to God and asked why I thought all those things were so hard compared to this!? If I would have known 10 years ago what I was going to go through in 2006 I may have left on a ship and never came back. But, then I would have missed so much more....an incredible husband, 4 beautiful children and so much more. So, in the end is change a good thing? Even the painful things? Does change always have to hurt? I think I am like my dad when it comes to change and I know R is just like me. I am certain of one thing that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever! Aren't I a good Foursquare girl? :) I am ok...I will be ok and maybe soon there will be a change I am excited about! I just need to remember all the things that will never change:J, R,O,Z&P too, my family, God....all big things that I could never live without. "But there's one thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. " Lamentations 3:22 I guess the winds of change will keep blowing if I like it or not...just please blow softly and slowly, we are still recovering from the tsunami that changed the landscape of our lives.
PS- One more picture of the Princess...I couldn't resist. Where are the boys when I have my camera out. I promise next time it will be the boys.
Friday, October 13, 2006
Today as I bent down to tie my shoes I had a frightening flash back of the last time I wore these shoes and bent down to tie them.....we were in a cold, dark ultrasound room and the ultrasound tech had just told us that she was seeing something wrong with our baby's brain. I don't even have to close my eyes and I can remember each second of that morning. When she told us that I jumped off that table so fast that Josh did not even know what was going on. All I kept saying was, "Let me go, I am going home". I remember bending down to tie my orange shoes...something so simple and at that moment I knew that our lives would never be simple again. Those shoes were the only cheery thing in that dark room that day. As I was tying my shoes Josh continued to ask me what was wrong and I remember grabbing his face asking him in a hysterical voice, "What are we going to do? Our baby does not have a brain" I will never forget the look on his face for as long as I live....I knew at that moment we were changed forever....even tying my orange shoes would never be the same again. Today as I bent down to tie my shoes I started to feel me heart race a bit faster and my breathing be a bit labored. I was scared again and the tears came freely once again. I miss my baby today...seems like somedays the pain is bearable and other days it is all I can do to not just get back in bed, hold her lovie and cry. To think that all it took was the simple act of tying my orange shoes to set me off today. I will never forget...I don't want to. Each time I wear these shoes I will not only be reminded of what that day meant for us, but also where those shoes have carried me. I am walking on the road that will "lead me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy" (Jars of Clay- The Valley Song). I need shoes on to be on that road and when I get to the river of joy I am going to have my toenails painted bright pink with my comfy flip flops on.
Friday, October 06, 2006
I have been thinking today about what going through this kind of pain is really for. Why in God's sovereignty did he allow such a thing to happen to us? Why were we chosen for this? In this fallen world we live in as Satan watched this plan unfold did he really think that we would turn our backs on God? Did he not know that God was going to get the glory either way? How could he not know that the Bible asks death where it's sting is? Does he not know that the victory has already be declared? God in his sovereignty has already showed Satan the end. He knows that he is going to lose and is trying his best to make sure that there is a crowd to go with him. I have been thinking as I watch other friends go through life changing events, marriages being rocked, babies dying and others that what if we are raising the generation who is going to see Jesus return? What if we are telling our children about the things of Jesus and they are going to be the ones who hear the trumpet blast!? Of course Satan will be attacking families to break things apart, make children question if there is a God who loves them, bring doubt into their lives and plant a root of bitterness at a young age. These are the children that will be telling others about Jesus and if there are enough of them that come from broken homes, sad and angry places and have deep wounds in their hearts why would they want to serve a God that they think has caused all that. Mission accomplished for the enemy....BUT I want you to know that this is not going to happen. I believe that God is raising up a remnant that is not going to stand for these plans of the enemy, we will not be bitter because of the sorrow that has been brought into our lives, we are not going to let our marriages be pulled apart, we are going to take a stand and let the enemy know that no matter what He is still the one we have chosen to serve and we will teach our children of the depth of GOD's love for us. We serve a powerful God who is trustworthy and does love us.....that is the message that needs to be told and engraved on the hearts of this generation that we are raising. I know that even the short life of Pearl will be a testimony to this generation. What Satan meant to harm us has only made us stronger, it is because we are weak that He is strong. This is all something that I cannot do on my own. I want God to use this and I want him to use us however he needs to. I want to be part of the message of redemption that is at the very heart of God. I want to be a living example of how God can use people who have had the sacred torn form their lives and survive. I don't want the death of Pearl to be for nothing....please God use me.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
Well, time for another milestone date in the calendar, 4 months today we said hello and goodbye much to quickly to our baby Pearl. Seems like yesterday and like so long ago all at the same time. I was thinking how at 4 months so much changes with a newborn....they start to babble, move to a 4 hour feeding schedule, sleeping all night consistently, and so much more. Their little personalities start to come out and those cheeks get even more kissable. These are things I am missing today. I am mad that I am not trying on clothes that are 3- 6 month size and boy did we have some cute ones to pass down! I am missing holding her tight in my arms as I do the 4 o'clock shuffle around the house. Strange how when I close my eyes and think of her she is still curled up in my arms with her lovie on her cheek. I know tonight I will hold her lovie even tighter than normal because it has been 4 months since she touched it.
At the same time I am also praying that this 4 month mark will be a milestone mark in our lives without Pearl. I know that each part of her is woven deep in our hearts and we will never forget, but there are moments that I can think of her and not cry. Our hearts are being made whole again....not just this quivering mass of bleeding flesh but a heart that is being firmly held by Jesus and being made whole again. We are longing to continue to see things from an eternal perspective not from this cloudy view that we see things here. I cringe when I hear people talk about the things that ruin their day.....I had someone tell me that I took all the fun out of them being pregnant and being able to tell people about it because I told my sister she was pregnant!!! Let me tell you what takes the fun out a pregnancy...or maybe I shouldn't. I want to remember to keep a realistic perspective on the events that happen in life. I look around my house and think of the things that use to bother me and ruin my day and I just smile at the dust on the dining room table, snicker at the water spots on the faucet in the bathroom...then I turn around and decide to go and read some more with my kids. I don't want to let the little things ruin my day...I want to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and run away from the things that would hinder my ability to see Him clearly. I am thankful that Pearl was here to teach me these life lessons and I pray that others will see the importance of an eternal perspective too. Let's be real with eachother, let's make people feel comfortable enough to share their real hearts and not be afraid to cry with those that are crying and laugh when they are laughing.
I know there are those that are crying with me today and missing Pearl with us.....I hope that they are taking a good 4 month picture of her in heaven today because I can't wait to see her. Early this morning as I lay in bed I was remembering what it was like as I held her and watched as her heart stopped breathing.....I wondered again what it was like when she saw Jesus for the first time and I was longing once again for her to take me by the hand and take me to Jesus. I can't wait to run my hands through those black curls and have her show me around. We miss you Pearl and here is a big kiss for those soft, sweet cheeks from mama and daddy. We love you
PS- Josh and I both have our Pearl tattoos now....he got his last Friday night on his arm, it is Kanji for daughter and I got mine 3 weeks after she was born! She is permanently engraved on our hearts as well as our bodies now!