These shoes....

Today as I bent down to tie my shoes I had a frightening flash back of the last time I wore these shoes and bent down to tie them.....we were in a cold, dark ultrasound room and the ultrasound tech had just told us that she was seeing something wrong with our baby's brain. I don't even have to close my eyes and I can remember each second of that morning. When she told us that I jumped off that table so fast that Josh did not even know what was going on. All I kept saying was, "Let me go, I am going home". I remember bending down to tie my orange shoes...something so simple and at that moment I knew that our lives would never be simple again. Those shoes were the only cheery thing in that dark room that day. As I was tying my shoes Josh continued to ask me what was wrong and I remember grabbing his face asking him in a hysterical voice, "What are we going to do? Our baby does not have a brain" I will never forget the look on his face for as long as I live....I knew at that moment we were changed forever....even tying my orange shoes would never be the same again. Today as I bent down to tie my shoes I started to feel me heart race a bit faster and my breathing be a bit labored. I was scared again and the tears came freely once again. I miss my baby today...seems like somedays the pain is bearable and other days it is all I can do to not just get back in bed, hold her lovie and cry. To think that all it took was the simple act of tying my orange shoes to set me off today. I will never forget...I don't want to. Each time I wear these shoes I will not only be reminded of what that day meant for us, but also where those shoes have carried me. I am walking on the road that will "lead me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy" (Jars of Clay- The Valley Song). I need shoes on to be on that road and when I get to the river of joy I am going to have my toenails painted bright pink with my comfy flip flops on.