Saturday, August 26, 2006

In my arms

I held a baby for the first time since Pearl died, on Thursday this week. I was with a friend who has 6 month old and was staring at him in front of me for a while. Before I knew it the words, "Can I hold him?" were out of my mouth. I couldn't beleive it. I had him in my arms and snuggled in on my shoulder in a second. All of the sudden the sobs began to wrack my body.....I then felt that physical ache in my arms again to hold a baby. I physically remembered again what it was like to hold my Pearl as my chin rested on her head....I could feel that black curly hair rubbing on my cheek. I guess the good thing was this baby boy is bald or I may have run off with him ;) My arms so ache to have a baby in them again and patting that precious butt with my hand. As I was sobbing I apologized to my friend and her baby just nuzzled his face in my neck. It was a good few minutes for me to have a baby in my arms. I am so looking forward to the day I will have another one in my arms.....are we really going to do this again? Will that emptiness in my arms ever go away? Maybe for a second that day my arms felt full again.


Anonymous said...

Way to go LJ. I miss her too.


Adrienne said...

Thanks for sharing your heart on your blog. I am sorry to hear about Pearl. I can't even believe you are praying for Noah in the midst of your are a strong woman. I pray that God's presence will be at the center of your 3 ring circus, at the very core of yours and Josh's hearts. Know that PICU 1 is praying for you guys! Ade