What I did today

Today I....

cried
smiled when my 2 year old princess came downstairs wearing her brothers underwear and shirt
talked on the phone to my most precious friend for sooo long!
smiled
laundry
made lunch
read
cried
laundry
took a shower
stood and laughed as I watched my 2 year old daughter wrtie all over herself with purple marker
made banana bread
laundry
signed up for The Walk to Remember in October....just for Pearl
cried
talked with my husband
cried
put duct tape on the warts we are trying to get rid of on my 5 year olds body
sat and smiled as I watched my kids play outside together!

Tomorrow I will try to do much of the same and maybe a little more laughing in between....at least there was no large glasses of wine involved in my day! Maybe later ;)

In my arms

I held a baby for the first time since Pearl died, on Thursday this week. I was with a friend who has 6 month old and was staring at him in front of me for a while. Before I knew it the words, "Can I hold him?" were out of my mouth. I couldn't beleive it. I had him in my arms and snuggled in on my shoulder in a second. All of the sudden the sobs began to wrack my body.....I then felt that physical ache in my arms again to hold a baby. I physically remembered again what it was like to hold my Pearl as my chin rested on her head....I could feel that black curly hair rubbing on my cheek. I guess the good thing was this baby boy is bald or I may have run off with him ;) My arms so ache to have a baby in them again and patting that precious butt with my hand. As I was sobbing I apologized to my friend and her baby just nuzzled his face in my neck. It was a good few minutes for me to have a baby in my arms. I am so looking forward to the day I will have another one in my arms.....are we really going to do this again? Will that emptiness in my arms ever go away? Maybe for a second that day my arms felt full again.

How are you?

Why is that question so hard for people to ask when they know that the answer is not going to be a quick answer of "good"? I have been out a few times lately talking about wines, gourmet food, work, sports music and money. Absoultely none of those things truly interest me right now....I guess those things must have interested me at one point, but last night I was waiting for the black birds to come flying through the window at any time and start pecking my eyes out.....then I would have had a reason for the tears to come out that were welling up on the inside. I can hardly handle the surface conversations anymore. Life is to short to not use the time you have in making real investments in peoples lives. I did try to participate in the conversation with some questions for them and so wanted them to just ask us how we were. I felt as if I was going to burst into tears at any second.....they knew what we had just been through and did anyone care what kind of effort it takes for me to actually get out of the house? I didn't want to talk about how my dying baby looked or anything else that would make them uncomfortable, I just wanted to be asked how I was. What is so hard about that? Asking me that question will not make me suddenly remember what I have just been through, it is nearly all I think about. That question will not make me sad, I already am sad. That question will only make me feel like you care and have out aside your own discomfort with grief to see how I really am feeling. I promise when I ask that question of others that I will not have a quick response planned out, but be ready to listen with a compassionate heart. "How are you?" is an important question that needs to be asked and honestly answered......I know this all may sound like I want everything to be all about me, but I don't. I just want it to be about cultivating good, solid relationships with people. All of us need more of those kind of relationships in our lives.

Oh the questions!

Does anyone have a 5 year old that is constantly asking for things? I do! He is in the middle ring of this circus and keep us all showered in kisses as will as drowning in questions. From the moment he wakes up, "What are we going to do today? What are we having for breakfast? Can we go to Chuckie Cheese?" All of these questions are asked before I have time to wipe the sleep out of my eyes. Even when we are doing something really fun he asks, "Mom can we go here?" I look at him, smile and say, "We are here Oliver, go play!" His last words at night to me sometimes are, "What are we having for breakfast?" He has the best heart but is learning to be content with what he has. Today as he was asking me for the 10th time if he could have treat (it was only 0830)...I yelled at him a loud no and walked quietly into my room for a moment of peace. I was then wondering if that is how God feels sometimes.....when we are constantly asking questions of him, "God, why is this happening to me? God, why can't I be holding Pearl right now? God, what are you doing to me? God, when am I going to be better? God, will you protect my other kids?" Maybe as I am asking all these questions as Oliver speed he is taking a deep breath and telling me to be content with where he is leading me. Just like we tell Oliver to be still and trust us, we will always take care of him, maybe God is telling me the same thing today.....although he probably didn't yell at me! Hmmmmm

I guess I am ready to dive into this!

I have been reading so many other blogs and decided I need one too! I have a lot to write about and maybe this will be a legit excuse for not cleaning! We'll see how it goes.