Wednesday, April 23, 2008

I will always remember

I saw a little brown dove sitting on our fence yesterday, it was the first time I have seen the dove this year. I am seeing all kinds of things this Spring that I have not seen in 2 years. I was able to look at the pink flowers in our tree without being mad that it was pink and pretty. Spring means something new this year.

When I saw the dove I was reminded of the dove I tried to help 2 years ago. We had a huge cottonwood tree in our back yard and these 2 doves worked so hard to make the perfect nest for their babies. We had just found out about Pearl's condition and I was so aware of all the flittering preparations that were going on for new life outside, while I sat inside and was preparing for my baby to die. These 2 doves did not make their nest very high up in the tree....we have 2 very smart squirrels who live in our backyard. They are afternoon after lunch the back door was open and a squirrel came inside to eat some of Z's crumbs! One afternoon, as I sat on the back porch I watched these squirrels looking at the nest. The doves were getting nervous...cooing back and forth to eachother. The squirrel started to climb up the tree....I sat and watched horrified. The doves were flying around trying to get the squirrel to go away. He kept climbing up the tree...all of the sudden something in me snapped! I jumped out of the chair and started screaming at the squirrels. I was jumping around, waving my arms trying to protect the nest full of eggs. I grabbed the hose and tried to scare them away by spraying the tree trunk. I wassobbing uncontrollably by this time and the kids couldn't figure out what I was so upset about! In the end I was not able to save the nest full of eggs. I was heartbroken...that I couldn't even help a nest full of eggs or the baby that was still safe inside of me. The doves sat in the tree and on the fence for days...cooing, making sounds that sounded like crying. I was so sad as I listened to the mama dove on my fence. Every once and while the daddy dove would come back, "cry" with her and then fly away again. Finally after a week the mama left too.

Now, 2 years later I saw the dove again. I don't remember if she was back last year or not, but I saw her again last week. She sat on the same spot on the fence and made the same was almost haunting to hear that sound again. All of my feelings came back and I wanted to just cry. I don't know if birds have memories, or if she even remembers the nest full the squirrel got to. For me, I felt like she did remember and she came back for just a day to make sure she never forgot those baby birds.

I will never forget those moments of pure, raw emotion....I also know I cannot expect everyone to remember those moments. I do know that I will always take the time to remember those precious memories....and those that are walking with me closely will never forget either. Just like I have never forgotten about the doves.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

The wall

We spent the weekend with one of J's younger brothers. My kids had so much fun with their Uncle....always an adventure. On Saturday afternoon we went to a climbing wall with the boys. My 8 and 6 year old climbed and so did their uncle. I sat at the bottom of the wall with L and J and Z went up another level to cheer them on! It was so cute to watch the boy's little legs carry them to the top. They struggled at times and when we encouraged them they moved ahead to the next peg. The course was well worn where they climbed, there was a man holding the rope for them at the bottom and they knew that even if they fell back a little they would not fall. We even had to cheer their Uncle on...all 3 of them finished and got down safely too.

When the climb was over and we were getting into the car, one of the boys said, "It wasn't hard if you didn't look up or down. You just had to keep your eyes straight ahead!" I had to catch my breath after I heard was just what I needed to hear. There is so much for me to look at ahead of me and get so overwhelmed! There is also a lot to see behind me...both sad and good things too. If I can keep my eyes focused on the path in front of me and trust who is holding the rope I will be safe. Step by step...following the path that He has laid out for me. I want others to be able to follow behind us as we trust Him each step of the step at a time.

Maybe next time we go to the climbing wall I'll climb boys would love to beat me!

Monday, April 07, 2008

All That I Can Say

Much to be thinking about tonight...J is out of town and I should go to bed. I am sitting here weeping for another family who had to say hello and then goodbye to their baby tonight. A precious family who will see their baby again someday...the someday just feels to far away. I am remembering our hours with Pearl as well as the days, weeks and months that followed. My heart is breaking for another mom who has empty arms and an ache in her heart that will never go away. I wish I really knew this mom...instead of just from a blog. I would just sit and cry with about our girls together and dream of the day when we are all reunited.

I am weary tonight....I need Him to fill me again...fill me with hope and peace instead of the fear that I continue to battle.

I know He is there....He has promised that.

All That I Can Say

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Edited....This is an incredible song by David Crowder from his very first album released in 1998.

Thursday, April 03, 2008


I have been thinking a lot lately about fear...what are you afraid of? I have already faced one of my biggest fears...I have a name of a child I gave birth to written on a granite rectangle. I thought once I faced that fear that the rest of them would seem insignificant. Not true lately...I am struggling with not making decisions based on fear. I want to let the peace of God guard my heart and mind. I want to rest in knowing He is sovereign, but fact is I still struggle with fear. Fear of failure, fear of goodbyes, the list goes on.

I don't want the fears to hold me back from what God is calling me to do. I want to be like the servant in the Bible who multiplies the talent the master gave him....not the one who buries it because he was afraid. I want to know the master so well that I am not afraid of what he is asking of me...but knowing he will equip me to do the job he has asked me to do. I don't want fear to control me.

I want there to be peace in my heart and to not make decisions just because I am afraid. I want to step into a place that seems dark and shadowy and meet Him there....the light is always just a few steps away.

Will you press into the pain with me and meet Him on the other side of the pain? He is enough....that I do know.