Breathing...

I think I have been dreading this month and not really even knowing it. I just changed the calendar in my kitchen to March and my eye was drawn right to the 22nd. A day that I don't wish never happened....but I do wish sometimes we were always on the 21st of 2006. March 22nd is the day we learned of Pearl's diagnosis at our 20 week ultrasound. A day that will forever be etched in our minds. The details of the weeks leading up to that day still pop into my mind. Amazing how much you can remember.....

I do know that March 22 is a day that was created in order to fashion us into who God has called us to be...from the beginning of time. He knew that day would change our lives and now I am beginning to see how many other lives that day changed and will continue to change. Without March 22 I would not have known how to start a perinatal resource for families, there would be sweet friends I would never have known, my kids would not have the perspective on life they have, J and I would not have known what it really means to let God hold you "steady as a post" through the fierce storms of life. Do I miss who we were before that day? Yes, but I would not trade who we have become and I would do it again just to hold my sweet baby Pearl in my arms once again.

Maybe tonight I will have another dream about my sweet baby....she has been all I have thought about the past few days as I spent time with precious friends this weekend. I have only ever had one dream about Pearl......

It was the morning of the 22 of January, the day Larson was born. I remember waking up at 3am feeling so nervous about the day, yet excited in a strange way to meet Larson and whisper in his ear all I wanted him to tell Pearl. I went back to sleep thinking of those two meeting in heaven in just a matter of hours. I fell back to sleep....which is a miracle for me! In my dream I heard the door bell ring....I was getting ready for something and was in a hurry to get going. I ran down our stairs and opened the door. All I saw was the back of a little girl's head as she skipped away....a head full of black curly hair. I immediately knew it was Pearl....I couldn't say anything. Then, I heard the sweetest little voice say, "I love you mama!" Then off she went skipping......I can still hear the sweet voice in my head.

I woke up sobbing.....goodnight sweet baby girl!