The ache

This month is flying by. School projects, cookies, Christmas trees, lights, Advent activities, Oodle, sick kids, budgets, meetings, shopping, Christmas music, going to bed way to late! We have much to be thankful for this season but I cannot help to feel the ache that is just below the surface of my heart. The ache sneaks up on me and catches me by surprise sometimes and other days the ache is just right there. I know this time of year will always be hard...an ornament on the tree put there by our hands not hers, a missing stocking and placing flowers at her grave instead of presents under the tree. I can't help but to think of the ache Mary must have felt too. She was like so many of us...was giving birth to a son who she knew would die. She treasured every moment...just like I did and she too missed him before he was even gone. I know someday the ache will be gone....when we see Him face to face. For now, the ache is still there...some days I can walk with the ache and other days I just need to lay down and feel the pain in my heart and remember what my sweet baby felt like in my arms.

I read the first 2 books of the Twilight series.....I know, maybe not deepest book to read! I have a sweet friend who loved the books and I always like to see what moves her heart. I was moved by one section of this book. The main character, Bella, is missing Edward...her soul mate. She has been missing him for several months and is slowly coming out of the fog. This is one part of the book that made me cry and spoke to where I am at this moment.

"I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made it's appearance.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unleashed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain- the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head- but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.

Whatever it was that had happened tonight- and whether it was the zombies, the adrenaline, or the hallucinations that were responsible- it had woken me up.

For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to expect in the morning." New Moon Stephanie Myers p. 118-119

Knowing you can survive through the pain.....a gift only God can give us. He has already given this gift, we just need to receive it. My hope for so many familieswho are hurting this season is that they will see the gift that has come...the gift that we cannot fully understand, the gift that will not take away all the questions, the gift gives us hope that we will survive the pain and can have hope in our hearts.