Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Just some labor laughs

So, I think today may be the day to meet this baby. Why am I sitting here typing instead of watching the clock and timing these contractions, some of you may ask?! I think I am in a bit of denial. Last night the contractions were 7-8 min. apart and were like that off and on during the night. I did get some sleep and had some crazy dreams too. I dreamt I delivered the baby in the ER parking lot in the car! Not exactly what I had in mind for my 5th delivery. So, I woke up early this morning and decided to go for a walk. Maybe a walk would help speed things up....put on my little running shorts a t-shirt of J's that is hard to pull over my belly, grabbed my i-pod and headed out the door. I was hauling up some hills and people would pass me from behind and then do a double take after they looked at this woman who looked like she swallowed a basketball. I just smiled a big smile and kept on singing to my Hillsong!

I got back home, called my mom and have decided that today will probably be the day. I am sitting on the exercise ball and Oliver has asked me if he could have the ball, "I need it mom to play a game." Oh Oliver!! I am also beginning to remember the lack of privacy that is about to happen to me....all my parts out there for people to see. Hmmm, is that why people do homebirth so they can keep their crotch private?! But, the reality is that I do not care who sees what....I am having a healthy baby today and that is something that I want to tell everyone. So, if you are reading this on the 27th, will you pray for all of us. Pray for peace, a smooth delivery, a healthy baby and a clam mama and daddy? I am so looking forward to sharing good news soon.

Guess I better go find my watch and start timing these. Maybe Oliver will get this ball back soon.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Almost there!

Ok, so we are just a few days away from meeting the newest addition to our family and I am sooo nervous. I was telling Josh that I feel like a first time mom all over again. Have I forgotten everything? I am not sure I even know what to expect....I know all this is silly because it is my 5th delivery and I will know what to do. I am just nervous. Asking God to continue to hold me close and hanging onto the words I know he has spoken to me during this journey. I really can hardly wait to be holding a baby in my arms....makes me cry to even think about it. Our time with this baby will not be rushed like it was with Pearl. I need to take a deep breath and realize that I do not need to have each detail of the day planned out and treasure and enjoy each moment. Not that I didn't treasure each moment with Pearl, but I had such a short amount of time to memorize each one her features and make a lifetime of memories in just one day. This baby will be so different....I am looking forward to just holding him or her and listening to her breathe, watching her flinch and most of all listening to her cry. That is the sound I am most looking forward to. I think my senses will be on overload and maybe even now they already are! I often feel like the nerves in my body are vibrating with anticipation...that is when I need the peace that can only come from God. Peace and a love that casts out all fear. I know He will be with us as we walk through the hospital doors, walk down the same hall that was the place of the longest wheelchair ride of my life, and he will be with us as we welcome a new life into our families. I am so thankful for each step we have taken these past 18 months and anticipating the sound of the river of joy that will be in our arms. I know there will be a lot of tears....happy and sad all at the same time. What a gift life is.....

Saturday, June 09, 2007

Birthday time....

May is a huge Birthday month in our family. The last 2 days of April are my mom and nephew's Birthday, my brother's is the 1st, sister's is the 7th and mine is the 27th. Busy month....then on June 5th is Pearl's Birthday. I was sort of holding my breath as we prepared to remember Pearl's day on the 5th and honestly not quite sure how it would all feel. We are anticipating the birth of our baby sometime the end of this month and even with all of that going on I found myself missing Pearl in such a deep way. On the 5th both Josh and I woke up at almost the same time...7:09am to be exact....Pearl was born at 7:11am on June 5th. It was surreal as we lay there holding each other as I silently wept. Remembering all we had been through the 24 hours before her birth and then the actual moment she arrived in our arms. I remembered as my parents, pastor and nurse gathered around my hospital bed as I held my baby and presented her back into the arms of Jesus. We played the song, "Visitor From Heaven" and I believe that as we played that song her heart beat its final beats here on earth. It was a moment I will never forget and I know that if we would have listened really closely we could have heard angel wings as well as the great cloud of witnesses surrounding us welcoming her into heaven. As we lay in bed I couldn't believe that this year had really happened to us...this was all real, we are really different and we really do have a child waiting for us in heaven. I know I have known that for this whole year but the reality of that really hit me. The longing I have to be in heaven was so much deeper this week. I know that she does not miss us, because we will be there with her in just a blink of an eye. But, I miss her so much....I am so thankful for her life, even though it was so brief. She has changed me and so many others. What a gift we were able to hold in our arms for just a short time. I was very teary the rest of the day on the 5th this week and cried more as night came. The grief was very raw and the hole in my heart so obvious. I was reminded of the words that God has planted in my heart, "There is freedom to hope"....hope that means so much. The kind of hope that is unable to be grasped until you have walked through the depths of grief and really entered into the suffering of Christ. Each time this baby inside me moves I am reminded of the hope that is physically growing in me and a hope that I am going to be able to hold in my hands in a few short weeks. This has been a long road this year and I am so thankful for those who were not afraid to enter into our grief and stay on the road with us. I was lonely at times, but knew I was never alone. It takes brave friends to walk closely with someone who is in the depths of sorrow....thank you to all of you who have stood by so close. We are thankful to have this first year behind us, not forgetting our Pearl, but moving forward into a new chapter in our book. We will never forget....I love you Pearl and am so proud to call you my daughter. What a brave girl you were and taught us so much. I can hardly wait to put may face in your thick black curls and whisper how much I love you. Until then, we will keep telling others about you and how much Jesus loves them. I love you Princess!