Friday, November 24, 2006

Now what?

Well, Thanksgiving came and went and I am still feeling like a truck drove through my heart. Seems as if the wound is gaping again instead of just oozing. I have even had a dream last night where I freaked out and started yelling at people because I tell them I have had control of myself for a few months now and I just can't keep it all in anymore. Both J and I were sad in a way we haven't been for a while. The reality that someone from our family was missing yesterday was almost to much for me to bear. I have been dreading Thanksgiving as well as the whole month of December for a while now and been pretty good at avoiding the whole thought of it all until smacked me in the face. We went to the cemetery in the morning yesterday to bring some flowers to Pearl and I didn't think I was going to be able to leave. I just sat down and sobbed. It hit me all over again that the body of my precious baby was here and that she was not going to be with us at the table tonight. How could I leave there? All the memories of holding her for the last time at the mortuary came flooding back and I couldn't even stand. I miss her right now in such a deep way. This time of year is all about being together as a family and damn it we are not all together. Yes, I know someday we will be, but that is not helping me right now. I want my whole family to be together sitting around that table and the tree heart breaks when I see my husband with big, sad, brown eyes staring at me knowing there is nothing he can do to make this better. How am I ever going to get through this next month? I told J last night that I would give anything to be able to leave on December 20th and not come back until the 1st. But, once again I am running away with the thing that I am most sad family that is missing someone. I know that time is making that hole not as big and my arms won't always be longing for a baby to hold. It's just that I am not sure how you get over the feeling that a part is missing. I guess God had to wait (that sounds funny!) for 33 years for his son to come back....did that feel like a long time to God? What is 33 years in the currency of time in heaven? I do know one thing.....we are being held and so is Pearl...all 6 of us by the same set of strong arms. That thought needs to bring comfort to my aching heart. Somehow I will make it through this next month. I am going to smile for my kids, decorate our tree, out Pearl's ornament on the tree as well as the garland of Pearls. I don't want them ever to forget. There is, "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.....Great is thy Faithfulness!"


Sophie said...

Once again, I have no profound words of wisdom. I just want to tell you I love you, am here for you- even if you just need to freak out! My prayer for you guys is that "morning by morning, new mercies (you'll) see".
You've been living the "now what?" for a while now, and I have to tell you, you are doing an amazing job navigating this horrible road.
I love you-

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Anonymous said...

Hey Laura,

Just want to let you know I love you and am praying for y'all.