My Three Ring Circus

Valentine's Day

2009-02-14T19:01:00.004-07:00

In between cleaning up vomit and sweeping the floor, I thought I would write out the story of my favorite Valentine...Josh! He is more than I could have ever asked or imagined. I'm sure he never thought our lives would turn out this way....but we will hold on tight to each other everyday!

It was 15 years ago in my Christian Faith and Ministry class at ORU...I saw the cute freshman boy I had seen a few times before. I had seen him speeding around campus on a pretty blue motorcycle. We had met through mutual friends a few months before, I thought he was cute but was never going to date him! I walked into the class with my best friend and nearly bowled her over so I could sit by him. We talked through the whole class and exchanged phone numbers. I was excited to just have good conversation with him and maybe get to hang out sometime. A few nights later he called to ask me if I wanted to run out to eat...it was not a date! We went to and ice cream place and had a great time. A few days before, the date I was taking to a ballet cancelled, so I asked Josh if he wanted to go with me to the ballet. I let him know he was my second choice and that I was not going to date anyone from this school again! Some first night out! He said yes to the ballet and what a time we had!

I could not walk in heels, he had on pants with loose pockets and a pocket full of change! As soon as we sat down in the theater all of the change rolled down the floor...very loudly! We laughed so hard and I know he was so embarrassed. From the very first day we had so much fun and always laughed together. A few days later was Valentine's Day....I felt bad for him that he did not have a car at school so for some reason I gave him the keys to my car that day because he had some places to go. He has always been such a gentleman...washed my car, checked the oil (which was almost empty) and put chocolate and flowers on my front seat. I knew that day he was someone special...but just a special friend! On Valentine's Day I got home from clinicals after 6pm. He called to ask me to dinner! I put on my sweet black velvet pants, my denim shirt with a black velvet collar and cuffs, puffed up my curly hair and went out for my first Valentine dinner. We ate at a little diner in downtown Tulsa. Or, I should say he ate and I drank water and had soup. I must have drank 10 glasses of water. We started the drive back to school and got lost...oh.my.gosh! I had to go to the bathroom soooo bad, but i was to embarrassed to tell him. I was planning in my head how I was going to wet my pants in the car, drop him off in the parking lot, then pull out my big 1993 cell phone and call my friends to come to my car with a change of clothes!! I really was going to do that...my eyeballs were floating. After a while I began to realize that wasn't going to work so I asked him to pull over at BK! I was so horrified. I ran to the door as fast as I could...closed!!! QT was next door and a gas station bathroom never looked so good.

The weeks went by and we spent more and more time together. He came to my house for a few days over Spring Break...so many fun memories with the person I just thought was going to be a great friend. I was so blind...but falling for him all at the same time. If you ask him, he will tell you I was to old for him! Our first kiss was months later dancing on top of a table at a lake while Celine Dions, "The Power of Love" played from my sweet stereo in my 1989 Mustang. I knew then this was turning in to something amazing.

The only summer we were apart I was miserable...I remember telling my mom, "I will never be apart from this man again." I wasn't...we were engaged a year after we started dating. February 12, 1995...he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife. As soon as I said yes, I asked, "What did my dad say?" Poor Josh! We went to a restaurant in a hotel, and I called my mom from the lobby (cell phone only plugged in the car) and told my mom, "We are at the hotel. We did it!" (That makes me laugh so hard!) My sweet Josh has always taken such good care of me...more than I deserve. We had a fairy tale Christmas wedding and drove off in a horse drawn carriage...we didn't know it wouldn't always feel like a fairy tale.

Josh has always been such a rock for me. Holding me so close, letting me laugh, cry and everything in between. He is my best friend and I know there are so many days I do not deserve him. I have the best husband...never complains and is one of the hardest workers I know. He loves Jesus and his family with a fierce love. He is passionate about life and always sees the sun behind the shadows. So many moments I have reached for his hand in the dark...when he could have raced ahead of me on this journey, he has chosen to go at my pace and stay right there with me. I know there are days I have jumped out of this boat and he has jumped in right after me carrying me back to our boat. We are in this together...even when we don't want to be. I love him more today than ever before. I have watched this amazing man hold all 5 of his babies with tears in his eyes and watched him sob as he handed Pearl back to Jesus. This man I married is more than the man of my dreams....I don't know how to dream that big.

Josh, I love you...you are one of my greatest treasures and I cannot wait to grow even older with you! I know 15 years ago this was not what you signed up for...but what a journey this has been. Each moment full...full of love and sweet memories. Thank you for all you have given me...5 babies and a life full of love as well as grace and peace. I can already see us at our house on the beach, holding hands on the porch, laughing and loving until Jesus calls us home. Let's find a beach soon...we have more memories to make.

Super Bowl Ad we never saw!

2009-02-11T11:32:00.000-07:00

Is it summer yet?

2009-02-05T14:04:00.002-07:00

I cannot tell you how many blogs I have had brewing on my head....just nothing I can write down yet. I have not forgotten about the sweet families I like to check in on. I pray for so many of them. There are days in the midst of all the families I talk with, presentations I give and people I pray for I am bombarded with images of my sweet baby. It hits me so hard that I am one of those with a story too. I am one who is desperately missing my Pearl. Crazy to think it has been 2 years and it doesn't take much for the images to come racing through my head and heart and knock me to the floor.

Oh, there is so much hope in the air as well. Families all over the nation are finding there is hope when faced with such a heartbreaking situation. The community is discovering ways to help hurting families...just listening and never forgetting. I continue to be humbled everyday how God is using one little baby, born with a funny nose and the prettiest lips you have ever seen. I am amazed and confident that He will do more than I could ever ask or imagine.

It's 70 degrees here today....my little Z said to me, "See mom, I told you it's summer!" I am off to go swing outside and laugh loud with my kids.

Thank you

2008-12-21T20:02:00.003-07:00

I wanted to take some time and let you know how thankful I am for the gift the readers of MCK Mama's blog gave to String of Pearls. For those of you who don't know Jennifer set up a raffle on her blog....the money that was given went to 3 different organizations. Over $19,000 dollars was raised and String of Pearls will receive almost $4,000 from the raffle. Each day as I watched the numbers climb...I knew this was not just people wanting to win a great camera. This money was from people who were wanting to make a difference in others lives. These were people who wanted to help families in crisis and to make this heart wrenching journey more bearable, somehow.

The vision for String of Pearls was created out of a need to reach families with another alternative instead of termination when faced with a fatal prenatal diagnosis. This dream to walk with families has been growing in our hearts and is quickly becoming a reality. I can't help but to think of Mary, the mother of Jesus. She knew God had created something amazing for her...but maybe it didn't feel like a reality until she felt the first kicks in her womb. I feel like we are feeling the first kicks of the dream God planted in our hearts. Yes, there is fruit already and families are being reached, but I know there are still big plans in store for String of Pearls. Each of you who donated are part of the quickening I am feeling in my heart as I sit and write this. Thank you so much for giving so willingly. Know each dollar we receive will be used in the best possible way.

This money will be used to provide families with baskets full of items to make memories with their baby for the short amount of time they have them in their arms. The money will be used to print brochures about String of Pearls to leave in Dr's hands who counsel patients following a fatal prenatal diagnosis. Money will allow us to educate staff in hospitals about the concept of perinatal hospice. I want all of you to know what a gift your donation is to these families....we will be able to let them know they are not alone on this journey.

I cannot begin to tell you how this touches my heart. To know that myself and these families are not forgotten is an incredible feeling. I am so thankful and honored I have the opportunity to walk alongside families who have found themselves on the journey of a lifetime. I know I will never forget the generosity of so many.

I also want to thank Jennifer for her precious heart and desire to be a part of what String of Pearls is doing for families. I had the honor of talking with her when they were not sure if Stellan would live or die. Even though our stories ended differently she did not forget those of us who belong to the club, the club of families who have had a baby die. She could have moved on and never spoken to me again. She did not forget and I know I will never forget her either. I am so thankful she has Stellan in her arms today. Both Jennifer and I are the owners of a miracle....hers is in her arms and mine is in heaven. I am honored she has chosen to remember the families who are walking this journey.

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart.

The ache

2008-12-20T08:23:00.003-07:00

This month is flying by. School projects, cookies, Christmas trees, lights, Advent activities, Oodle, sick kids, budgets, meetings, shopping, Christmas music, going to bed way to late! We have much to be thankful for this season but I cannot help to feel the ache that is just below the surface of my heart. The ache sneaks up on me and catches me by surprise sometimes and other days the ache is just right there. I know this time of year will always be hard...an ornament on the tree put there by our hands not hers, a missing stocking and placing flowers at her grave instead of presents under the tree. I can't help but to think of the ache Mary must have felt too. She was like so many of us...was giving birth to a son who she knew would die. She treasured every moment...just like I did and she too missed him before he was even gone. I know someday the ache will be gone....when we see Him face to face. For now, the ache is still there...some days I can walk with the ache and other days I just need to lay down and feel the pain in my heart and remember what my sweet baby felt like in my arms.

I read the first 2 books of the Twilight series.....I know, maybe not deepest book to read! I have a sweet friend who loved the books and I always like to see what moves her heart. I was moved by one section of this book. The main character, Bella, is missing Edward...her soul mate. She has been missing him for several months and is slowly coming out of the fog. This is one part of the book that made me cry and spoke to where I am at this moment.

"I lay in my bed a few minutes later, resigned as the pain finally made it's appearance.

It was a crippling thing, this sensation that a huge hole had been punched through my chest, excising my most vital organs and leaving ragged, unleashed gashes around the edges that continued to throb and bleed despite the passage of time. Rationally, I knew my lungs must still be intact, yet I gasped for air and my head spun like my efforts yielded me nothing. My heart must have been beating, too, but I couldn't hear the sound of my pulse in my ears; my hands felt blue with cold. I curled inward, hugging my ribs to hold myself together. I scrambled for my numbness, my denial, but it evaded me.

And yet, I found I could survive. I was alert, I felt the pain- the aching loss that radiated out from my chest, sending wracking waves of hurt through my limbs and head- but it was manageable. I could live through it. It didn't feel like the pain had weakened over time, rather that I'd grown strong enough to bear it.

Whatever it was that had happened tonight- and whether it was the zombies, the adrenaline, or the hallucinations that were responsible- it had woken me up.

For the first time in a long time, I didn't know what to expect in the morning." New Moon Stephanie Myers p. 118-119

Knowing you can survive through the pain.....a gift only God can give us. He has already given this gift, we just need to receive it. My hope for so many familieswho are hurting this season is that they will see the gift that has come...the gift that we cannot fully understand, the gift that will not take away all the questions, the gift gives us hope that we will survive the pain and can have hope in our hearts.

Thankful

2008-11-30T21:03:00.015-07:00

I am thankful for so much....I don't think I can begin to make my list right now, but I am going to do it this week. The list is long and each one of you who read my blog and pray for us and String of Pearls is a part of that list too. Thank you so much.

I wanted to follow up on my post about Mck Mama and her plan to have businesses donate a portion of their proceeds to String of Pearls on her baby Stellan's behalf. Here they are!

Heidi at Candles For Causes sells Mia Bella Gourmet Natural Wax Candles and other fine products and will donate a minimum of 50% of profits from now until ?.

Pamper yourself with fabulous Mary Kay skin-care products from Melissa, an independent beauty consultant. Visit www.marykay.com/mbernardino today and 30% of net sales will be donated!

Jessica at Jekuthiel Gifts does websites, calendars, labels, bumper stickers, knitted potholders & baby items. For every $5 spent on her website through Dec 20th, $1 will be donated to String of Pearls.

Katy, an independent Tastefully Simple Consult, sells easy to prepare gourmet foods and will donate 10% of proceeds from sales beginning NOW until January 1, 2009! (Please email her at kdortenzo@gmail.com after you order so that she knows that 10% of that order goes to String of Pearls.)

Christine sells Tastefully Simple and will donate 20% of all sales from now through December 31, 2008. www.tastefullysimple.com/web/cengman

Robyn at Brace Yourself Designs makes keepsake jewelry, mommybracelets and more, and will donate 10% of all proceeds, anytime you mention this endeavor (through Christmas and beyond!!)

Darla, Independent Consultant with Arbonne International which offers pure, safe, and beneficial botancial baby care products, will donate 35% of proceeds from sales of the Arbonne Baby Care line through December 2009 and can be reached at creecherdk@yahoo.com.

Emily at Apple of My Eye Gifts makes unique children's clothing and baby items, and she will be donating 15% of her proceeds through the month of December.

Conquer eczema, wrinkles, fatigue and weight-gain with Julie. Arbonne’s premium skin-care and wellness products are vegan, with no parabens, no mineral oil, no chemical dyes or fragrances. Ask how you can save 35% and String of Pearls can get 14%.

Shawna at Firefly Photo Jewelry handcrafts custom soldered photo jewelry as well as handstamped jewels and would be honored to donate 10% of all proceeds from sales from now until New Years Eve.

Abigail with Missy Prissy Bow Boutique, which sells Prissy Bows for Your Little Princess's Crown, will donate 10% of every Stellan's String of Pearls order, from January 1, 2009 - January 15, 2009.

Lisa and Aleacia at Memorystones create customized lifebooks for foster and adopted children, and scrapbook scripture frames. They will be donating 20% of all profits to String of Pearls from now until February 15, 2009. Please email them at jer17v7@yahoo.com for more information!

Melissa at Little Peanut Designs sells fun and trendy products for kids and mommies and will donate 10% of the proceeds from sales between now and Christmas. (Upon ordering, please e-mail melissa@littlepeanutdesigns and mention Stellan Supports String of Pearls, so they can be assured String of Pearls receives their donations.)

The girls at Tamz have a product to tame those flyaways & unruly brows! At $8.95 a bottle, this is a great stocking stuffer and for purchases made throughout the holiday season, 10% of their proceeds will be donated!

Kerry at Shiloh Photography will donate 15% of any shoot booked in 2008 to String of Pearls. Mention String of Pearls or the MckFamily when you contact them.

Elizabeth Engelhardt Creations sells handmade cards...invitations, announcements, thank yous, Christmas cards, and more. Please stop by to place your order and to see what all she has to offer.

Leslee of http://www.kikiandlele.com/ will be donating 20% of all proceeds starting December 1st through December 10th and we will throw in FREE shipping! Kiki & Lele specialize in "hand-stamped personalized sterling silver jewelry" and also make hair clips.

Melissa at http://www.colormehappy-designs.blogspot.com/ sells personalized and custom photo cards and scrappy blog designs and will donate 10% of proceeds from any orders placed before the end of 2008.

Nikki at http://www.wrappedinlove.net/ custom makes ring slings so that you can keep your baby close to your heart while having your hands free. Now through December 31st, $5 from each purchase over $20 will be donated to String of Pearls.

Jennifer at http://www.mommynecklace.blogspot.com/makes custom mommy necklaces and will donate 25% of proceeds from sales to String of Pearls. This will be an ongoing donation; however, all purchases needed for Christmas will need to be made by December 10th in order to guarantee delivery by the 25th.

A sweet gal who wished to remain anonymous let me know of her intention to donate some of the profits of her custom invitation business to String of Pearls!

LoraAnn with LoraAnnphotography.com will donate 50% from every $100. Family/Holiday Portrait Session booked between NOW and 1/31/2009.(mention String of Pearls)Also, any wedding booked EVER (when mentioning String of Pearls) , String of Pearls will receive $50 upon 100% payment.

Please visit Kay at website at http://www.engravedeuniques.com and mention String of Pearls in the comment section when an order is placed for one of her fabulous engraved tiles.

Alicia at Lavender's Blue sells custom baby gifts and will send 25% of the proceeds for the next 3 months to Stellan Supports String of Pearls.

This is a great way to get some Christmas shopping done without getting out of your bathrobe. I know I am planning on shopping this way!

This money is so needed right now...I have several meetings set up with the individual Perinatologist offices in the next several weeks and the referrals for more clients continue to come in. This is much bigger than I am and I am so honored God has allowed us to use our time with Pearl in a way to help other families. The families I have spoken with are all such amazing people who love their babies with an amazing passion. I am looking forward to the day our babies will introduce us to each other after we have fallen at the feet of Jesus.

My sweet friend Corie, Larson's mama, is having a party this week to help me put together baskets to send to the families we are working with. This time together will be such a gift to so many people...I am so thankful for Corie and her willingness to lighten the workload for me! I will have 20 baskets in my basement ready to be given to these families. This is another example of what I have to be thankful for.

Josie's mama, a family we have helped through String Of Pearls, just started a blog. I asked her permission to post her blog here and she agreed! She has an amazing story and just said goodbye to her sweet baby 1 month ago. You can ready her story at http://holdingheaven-josie.blogspot.com/ Josie is a beautiful baby and I know she is so missed.

I'm missing Pearl too....but so thankful she came.

MCK Mama

2008-11-22T11:51:00.004-07:00

MCK Mama is at it again! She has another idea up her sleeve to raise some money for String of Pearls. She is a treasure and has an amazing story about here sweet baby Stellan. I am so thankful she is not a part of this "club" and also so thankful she has not forgotten about those of us who still a part of the "club".

She is also in a contest for the Divine Caroline blogger award....she has said she will donate all of her winnings to String of Pearls. Go here, down on the left side of the blog and click on the link to the Divine Caroline Button to vote for her blog! The contest ends November 30th.

I have more to blog about, first I better go be sure there are no open bottles of nail polish and no wrestling going on!

Our day

2008-11-19T17:32:00.003-07:00

Thanks so much for praying! O's surgery went well....waking up from anesthesia was very difficult and so hard to watch my sweet boy scream for an hour. None of my mommy tricks worked so I just sat there and rubbed his curls. Not much sleep for us last night...I was so worried he was going to rub his nose and undo the surgeons hard work. Would it be mean if I had him in a hockey goalie helmet 24 hours a day for the nest 6 weeks?

Today was a bit crazy...a 7 year old who had surgery yesterday, a 4 year old who needed some serious attention and an adventurous 17 month old with a bottle of OPI "Tiptoe through the tulips" nail polish and a travertine tile floor! Hmmm quite a mess..I wonder if my husband will notice the pink hue to the tile?

Tomorrow is another day and hopefully tonight will be filled with a bit more sleep.

My curly haired boy!

2008-11-17T20:01:00.003-07:00

Doesn't this face make you smile? Makes me smile too! At 8 am tomorrow he will be having surgery to repair his deviated septum and have his adenoids removed....for the 2nd time in 2 years!!! All of us are nervous and I just want the day to be over with. This sweet boy has never been able to fully breathe out of his nose, has sleep apnea, and snores louder than most grown men! Will you pray for skilled hands for the surgeon, a smooth surgery and a peaceful recovery? Someday I will tell you about the recovery last time...let's just say it was not one of my best mommy moments one afternoon when I couldn't get him to drink liquids or take his pain medication! Pray that we will have peace and fear will not invade our hearts and minds. We are putting our faith in God and not faith in faith! Thank you so much for praying...I know He hears us.

I'm still here!

2008-11-14T14:04:00.003-07:00

The last 4 weeks have gone by way to fast! A great trip to Disney, the beach, sick kids, sick mom and dad, sick kids, 3rd grade science projects, String of Pearls meetings and trying to sleep, eat, play, give kisses and do laundry!

The last month several of the families I have been working with for String of Pearls have had their babies and Pearl has a few new friends in heaven. Please pray for Josie's mom and dad, Savannah's mom and dad and Isaac's mom and dad. The grief is so raw for these families....takes me back to the raw times for us and then I remember it doesn't take much for me to go back to that place. I am thankful for time and thankful for the reminders of my sweet baby. She is making a difference to so many families...I am proud to be her mama!

So many thoughts swirling around in my head now...the words won't come out though! I know the words will come eventually!

PS- L was not so happy with all the big furry characters at Disney! R was a good protector!

Remembering

2008-10-15T13:27:00.005-06:00

Today I am remembering and praying for families I know who have had to say goodbye to their sweet baby much to soon. Today is Infant Loss Awareness Day....what an awful sentence. I know I don't need one day to remember the baby I no longer have in my arms! It is comforting to know there are many who are thinking of the babies who have gone to heaven to soon!

I'm thankful it's sunny here today and we can look up at the beautiful blue sky and know our babies are safe and loved in the arms of Jesus. I'm asking Him to give Pearl an extra squeeze for me today and a kiss on her sweet cheeks. I'm alsoasking Him to kiss: Larson, Sophie, Noah, Jack, Maddox, Miller Grace, Asher, Isaac, David, Ethan, Maxwell, Christian, Charlotte, Micah, Morgen, Audrey, Jack, Brodie and Caden....we will be with all of you again in just a moment. We love you....

Lance in Aspen

2008-10-06T20:45:00.009-06:00

Some of you may not know this about me but I love true athletes...cyclists, triathletes, runners and swimmers. I have so many sweet memories of watching the Tour de France growing up and going to the Coors Classic. We were so excited when we caught one of the water bottles the cyclists would throw off their bikes. I still have an autographed hat from one of the bike races a long time ago.

The summer Pearl died I spent many nights watching the Tour de France. Just hearing the voices of Al and Bob do the commentating for the race was so soothing to me. I knew they were going to be there all night and in between the moments the tears stopped I watched and cheered so loud for Floyd Landis. "Come on Floyd, you can do it!" His coach said that to him over and over again as he climbed the Alpe de Huez. Now, I know that it was discovered that Floyd used a performance enhancing drug as was disqualified and Oscar Pereiro received the title of winner. Anyway...Floyd had an incredible ride and it helped my heart so much to cheer the amazing athletes on.

Each summer the Tour is on I am glued to the TV at night catching up on the races...it is a connection to me with the summer Pearl was here with us. Makes me feel so warm inside to be doing the same thing over again...lets me relive some of the feelings without the profound sadness. A tradition...J always laughs at me when I say that!

J had a conference in Aspen a few weeks ago, L and I went along for some great room service, extra time with J and a great afternoon at the Bliss Spa! It was a perfect weekend. The night before we left we heard Lance Armstrong (I know all of you know who he is!) was going to be racing in Snowmass the next morning. The race was in a relay form...each lap was 7 miles long with 1500 ft of climbing! Lance was part of a team and I was going to be there to watch one of my heroes race! I forfeited one more morning of room service, made J get up early, pack the car and drive the 15 min to Snowmass. I was like a little girl at the circus...I walked so fast just to see if we would get a peek. When we arrived the race had already started and we did not know what leg Lance was racing. The closer we got to the start I realized....there was Lance Armstrong...at.the.start.line!! We slowly walked took a few pics and watched him start. I was giddy...we walked around, checked out the booths and decided to wait a few more min before we headed home. Suddenly, Lance starts coming down the hill to the hand off zone and then walks his bike over to the tent we are standing at. I smiled at him and squeezed L a little too tight because I was excited!

Ok, so this may not be a big deal to some...but for me it was God's little gift for me. The timing of being there when Lance was there was something only God could have done for us. Lance left to go to a private room as soon as he cooled down and was not seen again until his next lap 2 hours later. I so love it when little gifts land in our laps. I have learned to look for the little gifts more...sometimes we get so busy we forget to see the small treasures and get so upset when everything else seems so hard and confusing. I want to challenge you to look for the little gifts...the handfuls on purpose. They are everywhere...it just may take a more time,patience or creativity to find them.

My heart

2008-09-30T20:59:00.002-06:00

My heart has been so heavy...I know it is the combination of so many things. Seasons changing always throws me to the edge of the hole again...so many memories for me that come with the change of seasons. Every time I hope it will be different and it isn't. I'm learning to just go with it and let myself be sad if I need to be. Sad for what I'm missing, sad for what so many others are missing right now. I know on this side of heaven something will always be missing...there are just moments that is feels more obvious than others.

I so want to go to the cemetery to visit Pearl and just haven't been brave enough to go there lately. I think I am afraid of what I will do...it's been a while since I have been and even typing that out feels so wrong. I use to go every week and now....I just miss her so much. Sweet baby girl all snuggled up in my arms...I can take a deep breath and still feel her little behind in the crook of my arm. I am so thankful I can still feel it...even 2 years later. I don't think the longing to hold her again will ever go away, I think it just gets easier to walk the road with an intense longing in your heart.

The presentations for String of Pearls have been made at 2 local OB offices and I will be going to a large Perinatologist practice in 2 weeks. I am amazed at how God uses the longing in my heart to hold my Pearl, to show the Dr's how real this journey really is. I feel so passionate about providing each family the privilege of holding their baby in their arms and never forgetting the weight of their sweet behind.

I know the longing and sadness in my heart is for these families who are at the beginning of this journey. I think of these women all the time...praying for a blanket of peace to be around them. Just like the blanket covering me. The peace is real...we just need to crawl to it. Will you pray for: Christina, Nicole, Shannon, Jennifer, Sadie, Jessie and Stacy. Amazing brave families who are going to meet their babies soon or have already said hello and goodbye.

I am so thankful for the moments with Pearl....thankful for the reminder of the season changes. Thankful He is the same yesterday, today and forever.

Focus on the Family

2008-09-16T16:11:00.002-06:00

The interview Josh and I did for Focus on the Family in November of last year is out today. This will be perfect for me to take to the office on Friday...this give a quick glimpse of why we did what we did with Pearl.

http://www.heartlink.org/beavoice/A000000640.cfm

We are praying many families are touched by this story and many babies will get the chance to be held in the arms of their mama and daddy before they are held in the arms of Jesus.

My button!

2008-09-15T20:53:00.006-06:00

MCK mama made me my own button for String of Pearls and her sweet friend Jennisa at http://www.onceuponablog.org/ helped me get the button posted so you can add the button to your blog too!! Just copy the text in the small box and add it as a gadget to your sidebar on your blog. I am so thankful for all of the help they gave me.

So many have contacted us looking for information about String of Pearls. Please keep praying for these families..they are hurting and scared. We are so thankful we are able to let others know there is hope as they walk this journey.

Will you pray for me on Friday this week? I am going to present String of Pearls to the office where I went when I was pregnant with Pearl...and the other 4 kids too! This could be an emotional morning, but once again I am so honored to be able to present to the medical professionals that we want to work with them as a team to be able to offer women a choice! I continue to stand amazed at God's faithfulness to us on this journey.

I am continuing to ask Him for strength and courage to walk on this road...there are moments I am very tired, but then I hear the still small voice gently leading me forward and I can almost hear my Pearl saying, "I love you mama, I am proud of you." Then I can keep going...I am praying many of you will hear the sweet, gentle voice of Jesus as well and continue to walk the path you have so bravely chosen. You are not alone...we are cheering you on and I know your babies are too.

I am amazed

2008-09-09T17:19:00.005-06:00

The conference this weekend was great...I talked for over an hour and we had some time to answer questions. J and I were able to talk with some people after the meeting and I know many were touched by Pearl's story. People gained a better understanding of grief and if only one person walked away knowing better how to talk to a grieving person then it was all worth it. I could tell so many were praying...I wasn't really nervous and my voice didn't even shake! I am looking forward to the next time we are able to tell our story.

I received an email this week from MCK Mama...some of you may know her! She is now 30 weeks pregnant with Stellan....he is a miracle baby! Check out her blog for the full story by clicking on the button to the right...yes up there! She asked me if people wanting to donate in Stellan's honor could donate to String of Pearls! I was so honored as well as surprised...then I was reminded that nothing takes God by surprise so I should say yes...I did say yes with a lump in my throat and a tears in my eyes. This really isn't about the money..although money is something we do need to keep String of Pearls running. We do need money for brochures and gift packets etc....this is really about reaching families who feel so alone. This is about giving people a different option and a hand to hold. I am honored God would use us this way. Thank you so much MCK Mama for allowing Stellan to be a part of our story.

Settling in

2008-09-02T15:00:00.002-06:00

Thanks so much for praying for me....I do feel as if I am settling into the fall routine and feeling better about getting String of Pearls launched. I am speaking at a conference this weekend about our time with Pearl as well as the basics of Perinatal Hospice. I do have most of my talk figured out...just need to do some more fine tuning. Keep praying for me when you think about it! I know this is going to be an incredible opportunity to tell our story and make others aware of resources available to families who are walking this difficult road.

I am bringing everyone to the conference this weekend...in a beautiful city in the mountains! It will be good for us to be away all together with no distractions. My talk is early Saturday morning, so we will have time to play too. R is a little nervous about me telling our story....he wanted to know if I was going to cry. I told him I probably would but I would be ok. He is having a hard time adjusting to school....I was praying for him last week and felt like I needed to let his teacher know some of the history at our house. I am not using our history as an excuse for attitude but I felt like he was afraid to leave the girls and I at home. I had a good talk with his teacher and a good talk with R as well. I know he is worried bout leaving L all day...most mornings he says to me, "Mom, make sure L doesn't walk today without me and make sure the basement door is closed." Today I left the girls with a baby sitter and he couldn't believe I was going to let "L crawl around all day while I wasn't home with her. Will you make sure she is safe with the babysitter?" Poor boy is so worried about L. We have been praying for the fear to not take root in his heart and for him to be peaceful and content. I know grieving is a process and sometimes I forget how deeply my kids have been affected by the loss of Pearl too. They don't even know why they are feeling those anxious, fearful thoughts....this is a good reminder for us to be praying for their hearts to be covered as well as wisdom to know how to talk with them and help them to be able to articulate how they are feeling. I guess this is the prayer we need to have for our own hearts too....this is all part of the journey.

WOW!!!

2008-08-29T16:33:00.002-06:00

What a day for our country...I need to get to the after school rush but I wanted to say GO SARAH PALIN!!!!

Please pray

2008-08-19T20:48:00.002-06:00

The boys are both back in school and the need for a good routine is pressing in on all sides! I think all of us are fighting it too. Hard to let them be gone all day. I have been sad the last few days missing the boys. Even Z and L are missing their brothers.

I now have a little more quiet around here and have been hard at work with the pressing issues for String of Pearls. Setting up meetings, getting our reciepts put together, designing brochures, sending reciepts, and writing. This is all very exciting but I have to admit I am a bit discouraged too. I can't put my finger on exactly why, just feeling down. I was talking with my sweet friend Corie today and she reminded me this is a spiritual battle we are in and Satan does not want us to be putting this organization together. He wants me to be tired and discouraged. I cannot do this on my own. We need people to be praying for us. Will you pray for us? Will you pray for me as I prepare to speak at a conference in 2 weeks and meet with several of the larger physican groups in Denver next month. I am asking God for a clear mind and a heart that hears what He is wanting me to say. I do not want to be weary....preparing to speak about all of the emotions we went through with Pearl takes a lot out of me...I re-live each moment we spent with her and begin to feel the dark depths of my pain again. I still feel the pain, but I don't want the pain to paralyze me. I know He will equip me to do what He has called me to do.

I know this post is all over the place! Thank you for praying for me as well as our family. I know this effects our kids too and I want them to be protected and for much grace to be present in our home.

I will keep you updated on how the conference goes as well as the meetings here with the Dr.s.

Much to say

2008-08-05T13:48:00.003-06:00

What a month we have had! I have so much to write about and just not enough time. The boys are going back to school next week and I will have some quiet afternoons to sit and write while the girls are napping.

I do have some exciting news I can finally share....String of Pearls is now official! Our website is up, we have meetings set up with Doctors in the Denver area and our 501c3 paperwork is being approved! I feel like this has taken so long to get to this point and I am so thankful for all the people that have been a part of making this become a reality. I'm continually amazed at how God continues to use one tiny baby girl to reach out to so many others. We are standing in awe of how God is working and daily living out the "insteads" of Isaiah 61:2-3 To proclaim the year of the Lord's favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor.

The hard days continue to come in waves, but the depths are not as deep. I miss Pearl more than ever at this moment, and would give anything to have my dark haired baby in my arms again. I was thinking last night how I would have loved to hear her make a sound...then was reminded that the first sound she made was when she was sitting at the throne of God! Wow, what a picture I can hardly wait to be a part of. I am thankful for the ability we have to honor her life and help so many others on this journey.

Will you pray for me and for those that are involved in String of Pearls? We are choosing to help others honor life and we need to cover these precious families in prayer as well as the people that are involved in caring for the families. Will you also consider financially helping String of Pearls? The website gives a detailed account of the services we will provide and our goal is to do this at no charge to the families. There is a place on the website to donate online as well as a mailing address. Our desire is to reach as many families as possible and give them hope and peace as they walk the most difficult journey of their lives. Thank you for praying and supporting us each step of the way.

Go see our beautiful website at http://www.stringofpearlsonline.org/

I'll be back soon with some good stories of our last month!

Celebrating Lyda

2008-07-07T22:06:00.002-06:00

For those of you who found the information about my grandma by google, here are the details about the services.

July 8- 5pm-7pm Visitation with Rosary following at 7pm- Horan and McConaty 1091 S. Colorado Blvd. Denver

July 9- 9am Funeral Mass St Francis De Sales Church 300 S. Sherman St Denver

Our family has requested in lieu of flowers donations can be made in Lyda's name to Alternatives Pregnancy Center 1440 Blake Street, Suite 200Denver, Colorado 80202

Thank you so much for praying for our family during these next several days. We are looking forward to celebrating her life, and missing her strong presence so much as well.

Lyda Julia Conway August 9, 1914 - July 5, 2008

2008-07-06T16:51:00.002-06:00

My sweet grandma is holding my sweet Pearl in her arms today. Yesterday afternoon my grandma was ushered into the very presence of God...say that again...the presence of GOD....she was met with a loud, "Well done, my good and faithful servant." We are so happy for my grandma but we will miss her so much. I know I will have much more to write later...for now we are remembering what it means to be held.....

Mima- No matter how long...its still to short!

2008-06-19T22:23:00.008-06:00

We found out 5 days ago that my sweet grandma, my kids call her mima, has Stage 4 cancer in her abdomen. It isn't going to be very long until she gets to go meet Jesus! I can't even believe my sweet 93 year old grandma has cancer. Just doesn't seem right....lately nothing has seemed right. I just want the spinning to stop....for just a bit so I can catch my breath. My grandma is the sweetest woman you have ever met. She is also one of the spunkiest ladies I know. I have so many incredible memories of her and know there are more to come...even if the time here is short. I know she is ready to meet Jesus and to be with her sweet husband again. She loves so well and is so courageous.

As I spend time with my grandma I feel like I am walking back into the days when Pearl was alive and moving in my belly. Each moment I felt her move I was reminded it could be the last time I felt her and I held onto each gentle little kick. I knew I needed to stay in the moment and not let my mind go to the day we were going to have to say goodbye. I drank in each sunrise with Pearl as well as each sunset. All without going to the scary place of goodbye...I knew it was only God's grace carrying me through those precious moments. I didn't want her to be born because it meant goodbye and long wait to say hello again....but I knew the moment would come that we had to say goodbye. The goodbye was a holy moment and I know it is going to be the same way when we say goodbye to my grandma. We are drinking in each second we are able to caress her head, rub her leg and just look at her wrinkled hands. I am savoring this time like a hot cup of tea....I just don't want the tea to get cold and the goodbyes to be said. I know it will end...just like our time with Pearl did...but I am so longing for the day we are all together again....no more "stinkin goodbyes", as Zoe would say!

Here are the lyrics, just for you mom :) to the song we have been playing over and over....Selah and Christy Nockels "Faithful One"

I find no hope within to call my own
For I am frail of heart, my strength is gone
But deep within my soul is rising up a song
Here in the comfort of the faithful one

I walk a narrow road through valleys deep
In search of higher ground, on mountains steep
And though with feet unsure, I still keep pressing on.
For I am guided by the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end,
My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful, Faithful, so faithful to me

I see your wounded hands, I touch your side
With thorns upon your brow you bled and died
But there’s an empty tomb, a love for all who come
And give their hearts to you, the faithful one.

Faithful, faithful to the end, My true and precious friend,
You have been faithful, Faithful, so faithful to me

And when the day is dawned and when the race is run I will bow down before God’s only Son And I will lift my hands in praise for all you’ve done And I will worship you, my faithful one.

Go listen to this one now....close your eyes and see His hand gently leading us so faithfully. I'm doing that now with a longing in my heart to run and bow down at his feet with Pearl right at my side.

Remembering

2008-06-03T21:49:00.003-06:00

On Thursday it will be 2 years since I have held Pearl in my arms.....I can't even believe how that sentence looks in print. So strange to hear how final that sounds. This isn't a dream...we really did say hello and goodbye all in one breath to our baby. We really did sit under a green tent sitting on fuzzy chairs on a hot summer day and listen as our Pastor prayed over our sweet babys casket. I can't believe I had to say goodbye to a baby that I actually held in my arms. Almost to much for me to take in right now. I do know that He is carrying me and I am thankful for each step I have taken. He has already walked this road and is in each step I take. I can say He is good and I do trust Him...even in the midst of the heartache.

This has been a hard few days here and I know the days that follow are going to be hard too. Tonight as I looked at the pink clouds in the sky I could feel my sweet Pearl snuggled on my chest and my chin resting on the top of her head. I wept as I drove, thanking God for the memory that has not faded away. I miss her so much.....

We will be together as a family remembering our baby and celebrating her life....remember with me how she has changed your life. I know she has changed mine and for that I will be forever grateful.

God, will you please be sure to video her Birthday party? I know she has made so many new friends in the past few months. Give her Birthday kisses for me and please dance with her too. Maybe there is even a pretty pink Birthday Princess dress she could wear. Whisper in her ear how much I love her and how much I miss her too. Thank her for being so brave and for the gift of her baby sister too. Tell her we are going to pierce L's ears with little Pearl earrings on her Birthday. L needs a way to remember too.....One more thing, give her three little kisses because that is how we always kiss everyone here too.

Now what?

2008-05-20T22:03:00.003-06:00

Been a bit crazy here....sick mom, sick kids, and some serious Spring fever!

Sorting through so much again....not asking Why, but asking now what?

Will you pray I know the answer to that question?

The secret!

2008-05-09T10:54:00.003-06:00

I got a text at 3pm that said, "We will be there in 30 min."

The we that was coming over at the craziest time of the day was Josh and his boss who is from California, who I have never met! The house was in the midst of a laundry crisis, I had 5 hair bows in my hair compliments of my 4 year old hair stylist and frizzy hair from all the rain! I would have loved to see a video of all of us getting ready for our visitors. I put the laundry in the laundry room, quick cleaned the kitchen, changed my clothes, put some lipstick on, and tried to make the house smell sweet! We were all ready when J walked in the door with J and were so happy to meet him. Sweet L was making eyes at the dark haired stranger! The kids did their tricks...R shot some hoops, O played the piano, Z talked sweet and L waved bye-bye! Then they were back on the road! Phew.

The next day O and I had this conversation:

O: Mom, what did you do last night to make the house smell so good?

M: I can't tell you, it's a secret!

O: Well, when I get married will you tell my wife the secret so my house will smell good when I bring my boss home?

M: Sure O, I would do anything for you!

Oh my sweet O makes me smile and cry all at the same time!

PS- The secret is a little bit of vanilla on a piece of aluminum foil placed in the oven at 200! I'm sure J wondered why I didn't offer cookies!

I will always remember

2008-04-23T16:13:00.004-06:00

I saw a little brown dove sitting on our fence yesterday, it was the first time I have seen the dove this year. I am seeing all kinds of things this Spring that I have not seen in 2 years. I was able to look at the pink flowers in our tree without being mad that it was pink and pretty. Spring means something new this year.

When I saw the dove I was reminded of the dove I tried to help 2 years ago. We had a huge cottonwood tree in our back yard and these 2 doves worked so hard to make the perfect nest for their babies. We had just found out about Pearl's condition and I was so aware of all the flittering preparations that were going on for new life outside, while I sat inside and was preparing for my baby to die. These 2 doves did not make their nest very high up in the tree....we have 2 very smart squirrels who live in our backyard. They are fearless...one afternoon after lunch the back door was open and a squirrel came inside to eat some of Z's crumbs! One afternoon, as I sat on the back porch I watched these squirrels looking at the nest. The doves were getting nervous...cooing back and forth to eachother. The squirrel started to climb up the tree....I sat and watched horrified. The doves were flying around trying to get the squirrel to go away. He kept climbing up the tree...all of the sudden something in me snapped! I jumped out of the chair and started screaming at the squirrels. I was jumping around, waving my arms trying to protect the nest full of eggs. I grabbed the hose and tried to scare them away by spraying the tree trunk. I wassobbing uncontrollably by this time and the kids couldn't figure out what I was so upset about! In the end I was not able to save the nest full of eggs. I was heartbroken...that I couldn't even help a nest full of eggs or the baby that was still safe inside of me. The doves sat in the tree and on the fence for days...cooing, making sounds that sounded like crying. I was so sad as I listened to the mama dove on my fence. Every once and while the daddy dove would come back, "cry" with her and then fly away again. Finally after a week the mama left too.

Now, 2 years later I saw the dove again. I don't remember if she was back last year or not, but I saw her again last week. She sat on the same spot on the fence and made the same noise...it was almost haunting to hear that sound again. All of my feelings came back and I wanted to just cry. I don't know if birds have memories, or if she even remembers the nest full the squirrel got to. For me, I felt like she did remember and she came back for just a day to make sure she never forgot those baby birds.

I will never forget those moments of pure, raw emotion....I also know I cannot expect everyone to remember those moments. I do know that I will always take the time to remember those precious memories....and those that are walking with me closely will never forget either. Just like I have never forgotten about the doves.

The wall

2008-04-15T17:08:00.004-06:00

We spent the weekend with one of J's younger brothers. My kids had so much fun with their Uncle....always an adventure. On Saturday afternoon we went to a climbing wall with the boys. My 8 and 6 year old climbed and so did their uncle. I sat at the bottom of the wall with L and J and Z went up another level to cheer them on! It was so cute to watch the boy's little legs carry them to the top. They struggled at times and when we encouraged them they moved ahead to the next peg. The course was well worn where they climbed, there was a man holding the rope for them at the bottom and they knew that even if they fell back a little they would not fall. We even had to cheer their Uncle on...all 3 of them finished and got down safely too.

When the climb was over and we were getting into the car, one of the boys said, "It wasn't hard if you didn't look up or down. You just had to keep your eyes straight ahead!" I had to catch my breath after I heard that...it was just what I needed to hear. There is so much for me to look at ahead of me and get so overwhelmed! There is also a lot to see behind me...both sad and good things too. If I can keep my eyes focused on the path in front of me and trust who is holding the rope I will be safe. Step by step...following the path that He has laid out for me. I want others to be able to follow behind us as we trust Him each step of the way....one step at a time.

Maybe next time we go to the climbing wall I'll climb too....my boys would love to beat me!

All That I Can Say

2008-04-07T21:11:00.005-06:00

Much to be thinking about tonight...J is out of town and I should go to bed. I am sitting here weeping for another family who had to say hello and then goodbye to their baby tonight. A precious family who will see their baby again someday...the someday just feels to far away. I am remembering our hours with Pearl as well as the days, weeks and months that followed. My heart is breaking for another mom who has empty arms and an ache in her heart that will never go away. I wish I really knew this mom...instead of just from a blog. I would just sit and cry with her...talk about our girls together and dream of the day when we are all reunited.

I am weary tonight....I need Him to fill me again...fill me with hope and peace instead of the fear that I continue to battle.

I know He is there....He has promised that.

All That I Can Say

Lord I'm tired
So tired from walking
And Lord I'm so alone
And Lord the dark
Is creeping in
Creeping up
To swallow me
I think I'll stop
Rest here a while

And didn't You see me cry'n?
And didn't You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember
Where you sat it down

Chorus:And this is all that I can say right now
And this is all that I can give

I didn't notice You were standing here
I didn't know that
That was You holding me
I didn't notice You were cry'n too
I didn't know that
That was You washing my feet

Edited....This is an incredible song by David Crowder from his very first album released in 1998.

Fear

2008-04-03T21:05:00.002-06:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about fear...what are you afraid of? I have already faced one of my biggest fears...I have a name of a child I gave birth to written on a granite rectangle. I thought once I faced that fear that the rest of them would seem insignificant. Not true lately...I am struggling with not making decisions based on fear. I want to let the peace of God guard my heart and mind. I want to rest in knowing He is sovereign, but fact is I still struggle with fear. Fear of failure, fear of goodbyes, the list goes on.

I don't want the fears to hold me back from what God is calling me to do. I want to be like the servant in the Bible who multiplies the talent the master gave him....not the one who buries it because he was afraid. I want to know the master so well that I am not afraid of what he is asking of me...but knowing he will equip me to do the job he has asked me to do. I don't want fear to control me.

I want there to be peace in my heart and to not make decisions just because I am afraid. I want to step into a place that seems dark and shadowy and meet Him there....the light is always just a few steps away.

Will you press into the pain with me and meet Him on the other side of the pain? He is enough....that I do know.

Need a laugh today?

2008-03-27T16:20:00.004-06:00

I needed to laugh today.....hope this makes you laugh too. J even laughed and he is the one who is sick right now!

http://www.glumbert.com/media/mancold

The finish line....

2008-03-25T17:03:00.003-06:00

We made it through the weekend.....there were some tears, some laughs, a bit of relaxing and a lot of remembering. I was so surprised at the details both J and I remembered about March 22nd. It amazes me how quickly the memories can come up and surprise you when you least expect it. Kind of like a melting icee...all the thick syrup at the bottom and it only takes a little jolt to get it all mixed together again. I feel like everything is all mixed together again after the weekend. Sometimes I have all the emotions in little compartments and just when I think I have everything where it needs to be...I get bumped into and it is all mixed up again. Then the crying starts again, the fear and the profound feelings of emptiness. I am not sure any of these feelings are ever gone...just always sitting right below the surface. I do not think there is really ever an end...here on earth...to these feelings. There is not a finish line waiting for me when the journey of grief is over. I am moving forward...but the only finish line on this journey will be the one when I get to heaven...and hopefully hear, "Well done!" I want to hear that at the finish line as I look into the eyes of Jesus and then peak behind His robe and look into the eyes of my sweet Pearl...then the journey of grief will be over! Death will no longer sting and there will be no more tears. I want the vision of that moment to burn in my heart...to keep me ruined for the ordinary!

As I took time to remember on Saturday I began thinking about all the things I will never do with Pearl. I will not get to snuggle in bed with her, I will not take her for a walk, I will not wipe her nose, I will not kiss her sweet cheeks, I will not swing with her, I will not fight over hairbow or no hairbow, I will not teach her to read....the list could go on forever. I do know one thing that I will ALWAYS be able to do WITH her...worship! She is in the actual presence of God spending her time worshipping....all the time!! When I chose to sing and worship I am doing the exact thing Pearl is doing at that very moment. When I can press in and chose to worship I am doing something with my sweet baby! So...if the music is extra loud around here these days....you will know what I am doing!

Oh my head

2008-03-20T21:20:00.003-06:00

I am sitting here wondering why my head still hurts so bad! I have taken 8 Advil today and still have a pounding headache. Am I making this up? Is it possible to have my head hurt from just thinking too much? I'm sure it is possible....I have been holding my breath as then end of the month approaches....almost wishing to just skip to April. I know the 22nd will be just another day full of chatter, laughing, dishes, laundry, kisses and maybe even a nap for me. I also know it will not be just another day...I will remember how this day changed our lives as well as the lives of those around us. A lifetime has come and gone in 2 short years...it's no wonder I have a headache!

I also know that if I skipped to April I would be missing the reason that we do have hope. Jesus died for ME, for us....he took all the suffering, sin and pain so we can have a life with Him forever. The hugeness (is that even a word?) of the gift overwhelms me...I am so thankful for the gift He gave. I think of His precious mother, Mary, she watched her son suffer and how she was helpless as she stood there and just watched. Did she have any idea when she told the angel Gabriel that she agreed to this too....this heartache and suffering? I think she must have known deep in her heart that it would be this way. He was the Messiah....she knew what that meant. Yet she willingly entered into the pain and God was there on the other side of the pain to meet her. Pressing into the pain....right? I want to press into that....knowing He is there. There is purpose in the pain.

Then we have the hope that comes on Sunday...the hope that I will see my baby again someday. The hope we have that this is not all there is....so much more awaits us. I long for those around me to take hold of the hope that is there. There is hope in the midst of the pain....I know it.

A reminder....

2008-03-14T19:41:00.004-06:00

Oh..I love this picture! I have been working so hard today on String of Pearls....thinking about so many things that changed in our lives just 2 years ago. I want to post part of a talk I gave this past July. This will be a good introduction for people who are just learning of our story.

When our journey here on earth with Pearl was over my Dr, who is also a personal friend said to us, “Now I see why you did this the way you did.” A precious friend, who is also a Labor and Delivery nurse and couldn’t understand at the beginning why we continued with the pregnancy, said to me, “I understand why you did this and now I see why you love her so much. I would never tell anyone to terminate after a fatal diagnosis again.”
Let me start at the beginning of our journey…..

On the morning of March 22, 2006 our lives were changed forever. At our routine 20 week ultrasound we are informed that our precious baby girl, Pearl, has Alobar Holoprocencephaly with severe facial anomalies. We are so devastated by the news. We have 3 beautiful children and are so excited to be having our 4th. We do not know how are going to navigate our way through these uncharted waters.

Just few minutes later, as I lay on the table in the Perinatologist’s office, he tells us her condition is fatal and he coldly asks us, “So, what are you going to do?” I ask him if he means that we should terminate and he says, yes. I feel like he is presenting termination as the only option for us and there is nothing else presented to us. I proceed to tell him that we have been given this life and we will cherish each moment we have with her and we will not terminate. He informs me of the risks and steps out of the room for a few minuets to let us “think about our decision”.

There is no more decision to be made, we are going to honor Pearl’s life by carrying her for as long as my body will allow and let God be in control of a seemingly out of control situation. The Perinatologist then wants to make sure we know that time is not going to change the diagnosis and that there is nothing to do to make this better. I remind him that I am a labor and delivery nurse and that we are fully aware of the outcome, as hard as all that is going to be to face. Leaving that office I begin to see how people can so easily get caught up in the vortex of emotions and choose to get out of a hopeless situation and terminate.

There is no hope offered for our hearts and no encouragement to continue on the path we have chosen to take. I realize that obstetrically there is nothing they can do for this baby, but there is so much they could do for our broken hearts. At this moment, we feel so alone as nothing is offered for our broken hearts except a pat on the shoulder.

I pour over all I can find on the Internet and at the beginning none of it is good. There are some great sites for grieving parents who have lost children, but I find no place for parents who are carrying a baby to term in spite of a fatal diagnosis. We find one good book, on the waiting process, but we are hungry for so much more. At the beginning I throw myself into making plans for the end, a care plan for Pearl when she is born and how to hand her into the arms of Jesus.

I think society pressures you into making arrangements for what is to come, because that is what we know how to do, that we forget that we still have so much living to do with Pearl. Carrying a baby with a fatal diagnosis is not a common occurrence, so there is not much support there to help you live with the baby, instead of making plans for how to die. I choose to wear Pearl proudly and she is such a part of our family. Yes, we are profoundly sad. As we teach our 6 year-old son how to ride a bike we cry not only because our heart is now riding around on a two-wheeler, but also because know we will never have the chance to teach Pearl how to ride a bike. So many things we are missing out on with her. We miss her so much, even though she is still with us in my womb, growing and moving. Our 3 children are incredible, so sensitive to when we need a hug and when we just need some downtime. We are not enjoying each day, like you would enjoy a glass of wine, but we are treasuring each moment we have with our precious Pearl.

We go to the Doctor every two weeks and are so thankful for each peek we are able to take into her world. To be offered an ultrasound is a gift for our aching hearts to get to see her one more time. We are not wishing the days away, the day of her birth will come soon enough and that brings a whole new dimension to our lives. We try to keep an eternal perspective on our current situation.

Seeing friends is hard because people appear to be so uncomfortable around us. People do not know what to say to someone who is carrying a baby that is going to die. Death is such a taboo subject, it makes people think about their own mortality.

I want to scream to my friends, “Just ask me how I am doing, and stop making excuses about why you haven’t called me. Don’t be afraid to cry with me. My precious Pearl is not dead right now, she is very much alive and don’t treat me like I am walking around with a corpse in my womb. Celebrate her life with us, honor her, smile at my ever-expanding waistline, and don’t run away from me. Don’t ignore what is going on with us, but don’t give me your spiritual platitudes. Just say you are thinking of me and ask what you can do for us.” We just need emotional support for our hearts and minds.

Our whole family is shaped into something different because of this journey; our hearts’ cry is that this “new” family will be more refined than ever before and more precious than ever. Our children are amazing through this process.

Our oldest son, 6 years old, says some profound things. As I sit with him one day and talk about Pearl he wants to know what she was going to look like. I think about it for a moment and realize that only the truth will suffice for this curious mind. I tell him all about her facial malformations and that even mommy and daddy are afraid of what is going to happen. I ask him how he feels about the problem with her eyes and nose. He looks at me with those beautiful green eyes and says, “It’s ok mom, I’m not afraid. She is my baby sister and I love her. I want to see her.” I hold him as I weep. We should all have that same kind of unconditional love for those around us that appear to be so different.

Then a few weeks later he tells me that he wishes that there were two of him, he says, “I wish there could be one of me in heaven so I could be with my baby sister and one of me here so I could be with my family.” How is he able to articulate so well exactly what I am thinking?

Our four-year-old son is so precious too. He is constantly rubbing my belly talking to “Baby Pearl”. He just wants to know when she is moving and wants to make sure she knows he loves her….and then comes the shower of kisses for my belly. Our two-year-old daughter is such a light to us too.

When I am crying, which seems to be a lot lately, she looks at me and says, “You want daddy? You want lovie?” The two things that she knows always make her feel better! Even when I am crying and talking to my mom she says to me, “Stop talkin’ to mimo!” She just wants me to feel better. What precious children we have that are so in tune to all that is going on in our house. Could there be any greater gift?

We know the time with Pearl in our arms is going to be short so we do everything we can to prepare for her birth. I create a very detailed birth plan so there can be no questions as to what we want during my labor and delivery. I think for a long time about the different keepsakes I want to have at home with me. Our bag for the hospital begins to look like an aisle in Hobby Lobby! I know how precious each item will be. Each of my children have a Christmas ornament with their handprint on it and Pearl will be no different. We have plaster for hand molds, clay for hand and foot-prints, scissors for a lock of hair, cameras, and my favorite oil I use after each of my children’s first bath. There is an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep that donates their time and services for bereavement photography. The pictures we have are priceless treasures. There is not a detail overlooked.

As I approach 32 weeks the amniotic fluid begins to increase rapidly and my Dr begins to become concerned for my health. We have one therapeutic amnio to release the excessive amount of fluid in my uterus, and just 5 days later all the fluid is back and more. It is time to listen to my body and prepare to meet Pearl.

On June 5th, after a long and emotional labor, Pearl Jean Huene is born at 7:12am. She weighs 4lbs 1 oz and is 17 ½ inches long. Our time with her is unforgettable. We are able to lovingly launch her into the arms of Jesus. Not an easy thing to do, but a decision without regrets.

We have a beautiful memorial service for Pearl and are surrounded by so many who love us. The outpouring of love and support from our community is incredible. We give those around us the opportunity to be a part of her life as well as her death.

We know we need professionals around us to navigate our way through the post partum period as well as the intense period of grieving that follow Pearl’s death. I wish there was one place to go that would cover all that we thought we needed and the things that we don’t even know we need.

There are no words adequate enough to describe what a rock my husband is for me. From the moment we found out in that dim, warm ultrasound room, he has just held me close and promised me that he would walk with me each step of the way. Not even for a second did he waver in the decision to take hold of all the time we have been given with Pearl, even though he knew how painful it would be to walk this path.

He continued to get up each day, love me and love our children of so well. He assured me he is not afraid of all that is to come because he knew we are not on this road alone, God walks with us. That is where his strength comes from and I am drawing from that when I am feeling weak.

I loved the way he talked to his “princess” and so lovingly caressed my growing belly. He assures me I am beautiful even when I am feeling anything but that.

Without this brave man at my side I would not be able to walk this journey. He loves me so well and I can only hope I am loving him well too.

We are so thankful for the gift of time with our precious Pearl and look back on this with no regrets. Hopefully someday we will be able to help someone else as they walk the painful journey of saying goodbye to their child….much too soon. In the past year our lives have been filled with such a wide range of emotions. Grief is a process that never really comes to a close….the pages continue to turn in the book of our lives.

We have recently turned to a new page in the life of our family. Lucy Jean Huene was born on June 28th, 2007 and is the picture of hope and God’s redemptive plan for our lives. The sweet baby puffs of air that blow into my face in the wee hours of the morning serve as a gentle reminder of how precious and sacred life is. There is no greater honor than being a part of God’s art studio as he crafts his masterpiece. Whether it is a piece of art to be displayed here on earth or in heaven….it is still sacred.

Our story!

2008-03-11T17:49:00.002-06:00

Here is our story....this is the beginning of String of Pearls

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/video/15548685/index.html

I am so amazed at how God has used my sweet Pearl!

Go down to the bottom of posts to pause music so you can hear the news story.

Breathing...

2008-03-10T19:56:00.003-06:00

I think I have been dreading this month and not really even knowing it. I just changed the calendar in my kitchen to March and my eye was drawn right to the 22nd. A day that I don't wish never happened....but I do wish sometimes we were always on the 21st of 2006. March 22nd is the day we learned of Pearl's diagnosis at our 20 week ultrasound. A day that will forever be etched in our minds. The details of the weeks leading up to that day still pop into my mind. Amazing how much you can remember.....

I do know that March 22 is a day that was created in order to fashion us into who God has called us to be...from the beginning of time. He knew that day would change our lives and now I am beginning to see how many other lives that day changed and will continue to change. Without March 22 I would not have known how to start a perinatal resource for families, there would be sweet friends I would never have known, my kids would not have the perspective on life they have, J and I would not have known what it really means to let God hold you "steady as a post" through the fierce storms of life. Do I miss who we were before that day? Yes, but I would not trade who we have become and I would do it again just to hold my sweet baby Pearl in my arms once again.

Maybe tonight I will have another dream about my sweet baby....she has been all I have thought about the past few days as I spent time with precious friends this weekend. I have only ever had one dream about Pearl......

It was the morning of the 22 of January, the day Larson was born. I remember waking up at 3am feeling so nervous about the day, yet excited in a strange way to meet Larson and whisper in his ear all I wanted him to tell Pearl. I went back to sleep thinking of those two meeting in heaven in just a matter of hours. I fell back to sleep....which is a miracle for me! In my dream I heard the door bell ring....I was getting ready for something and was in a hurry to get going. I ran down our stairs and opened the door. All I saw was the back of a little girl's head as she skipped away....a head full of black curly hair. I immediately knew it was Pearl....I couldn't say anything. Then, I heard the sweetest little voice say, "I love you mama!" Then off she went skipping......I can still hear the sweet voice in my head.

I woke up sobbing.....goodnight sweet baby girl!

What happens when daddy is gone!

2008-03-03T22:00:00.003-07:00

What am I still doing awake? Once it gets to double digits on the clock again it is to late for me....however once again I can't turn my mind off! I am getting some work done but wanted to take a break!

Let me paint the picture here....Friday afternoon 4pm. I have not taken a shower in 2 days....R is home from school, L is sleeping, O and Z are playing nicely in the backyard. I decide to go in and take a shower...so fast! I am just about to rinse the conditioner out of my hair and I hear Z screaming! I dash out of the shower and see the neighbor carrying Z up the stairs with her chin bleeding all over!! I start to cry...Oh have I mentioned that J has been out of town since Sunday?! I grab Z and sure enough she has a big gash in her chin. Someone tripped her on the tramp and she fell on the one spot that does not have the padding on it! I try to clean her up....while O is outside crying that we are going to have to take Z to the hospital. In the meantime L wakes up and I plop her in the "circle of neglect" where she is so happy just to watch the commotion! R is a smart little man and stayed outside the whole time! Thankfully my cousin who is an ER nurse has some skin glue....we wash the wound, glue it back together and then I plop on the couch and try to breathe!

Always and adventure around here.....

Praying

2008-02-29T13:50:00.002-07:00

OK...so instead of making this another complicated post full of questions, I am going to write what the kids and I read at breakfast this morning. I bought them the Jesus Storybook Bible last year and we so enjoy this version. So easy to understand and it always touches my heart too. This is how The Lord's Prayer appears.....

Hello Daddy!

We want to know you.

And be close you you.

Please show us how.

Make everything in the world right again.

And in our hearts, too.

Do what is best-just like you do in heaven,

And please do it down here too.

Please give us everything we need today.

Forgive us for doing wrong, for hurting you.

Forgive us just as we forgive other people

when they hurt us.

Rescue us! We need you.

We don't want to keep running away

and hiding from you.

Keep us safe from our enemies.

You're strong, God.

You can do whatever you want.

You are in charge.

Now and forever and always!

We think you're great!

Amen!

Yes we do!

So simple.....so thankful for His never ending love. I'm going to go run right into His big, strong arms now....hopefully I'll see you there.

Reflections

2008-02-27T21:25:00.003-07:00

Oh...I think I may be manic! I have been sick for a few days...and now I am not tired and have 1,000 things running through my head. Where to begin? I had a great talk with someone about getting the PH (Perinatal Hospice) started and have some great ideas. I feel like God gave me a name, logo idea and even colors. I have a few people I want to ask to be on the board. My brochure for parents is nearly all written as well as the mission statement. Problem is....it's all in my head and not written down anywhere! I will be writing down some tonight.

I am feeling an urge to get this started....all the while wrestling with God on some big questions. Like...Why do we even need a PH in the first place? Hmmm big question! I know the answer is because the world in not perfect, there is sin here and the tears and suffering will not be gone until Jesus comes back for us. Just hard to know that in your head as well as your heart...suffering is hard, it is all around us and it does happen to people who you would never expect it to happen to. I want to trust in His goodness and know that when we do pray and ask for something His word says He will do it....SO what does it mean when what we pray for does not happen? I am not talking about winning the lottery, losing 20 pounds or a donation for plastic surgery! I am talking about creating a brain for your child, healing your child from a disease so he can live, straightening a septum for a sweet boy who does not want to have surgery again! These are not gumball machine requests....I have prayed all of these with my whole heart and the prayers were not answered here! So, I guess that the answer to prayer happened when some of these children died and went to heaven and are healed now, and the answer for the crooked septum is ear plugs for the boy that shares a room with the snorer! When Jesus was talking to his disciples was there more faith 2,000 years ago and they really could tell a mtn to jump into the lake and it would do it? Is our world so full of sin now that the answer to prayer is that God's love sustains us through the suffering and he heals our wounded hearts? Maybe.....

I do know that he is a good God who does love me...the sun does shine and I want to sit in the warmth of the sun and let him heal these painful areas in my heart. I want to be able to sit and ask the hard questions and stop pushing them away for fear that I may scream and not be able to stop. Don't tell me he is big enough to handle the questions and the anger. I know that....I guess it's just me that isn't strong enough to handle all of it. Hmmm that is probably right where he wants me....at my weakest so he can be strong. Guess I'm right where I need to be because I am feeling pretty weak.

I need to write....anybody have a spare 12 hours?!

2008-02-21T14:18:00.008-07:00

I need to be sitting here everyday writing...I have compsed so many blogs in my head the past few months they just never make it to the computer. My little Lucy is full of so much sunshine....my kids are so good for my heart! Lucy is a drooling machine with cheeks I could eat and a laugh that makes my heart leap! Anytime she makes a peep there are 5 people at her side wanting to know what they can do to make it better. What a gift!

So many things swirling around my head....so little daylight to get it all out. Guess that is why I am not sleeping well because the night is the quietest time of the day. It has been a very intense past few months....full of so many emotions. Good emotions.

I have a new friend who feels like I have known her my whole life...I love that God had this friendship planned from the beginning. Our lives are so much the same and the people we know are so many of the same too. She knows someone my mom went to grade school with! Corie and I also have something else very difficult in common.....we both have babies waiting for us in heaven. Not only that but our babies both had Alobar HPE....we were both given the same diagnosis at 20 week ultrasounds. I feel in love with this family as soon as we met and was so honored that they allowed me to be a part of their journey. On the morning of Larson's delivery I was getting ready and read a quick devotional as I cried out to God to help me walk through this delivery. I didn't know how I would be as I watched a family I loved so much hand their sweet baby into the arms of Jesus. I was crying already....I knew this was not about me...I wanted to give them hope...the same kind of hope I had. I read the scripture, "He comes alongside us when we go through hard times, and before you know it,he brings us alongside someone else who is going through hard times so that we can be there for that person just as God was there for us." 2 Corinthians 1:3-5 I wept as I read this and knew that God was not surprised at the timing of this...before I thought I was ready to be a part of this again He brought someone else into my life and allowed me to comfort the way I was comforted. I love how he works! I am always so amazed when He uses me.... I was able to be at Larson's delivery and watch as their family held him in their arms for 23 hours before he went to be with Jesus. Such a tender time....I was able to hold him too and ask him to please kiss Pearl for me and tell her how much I love her. I know she was waiting to welcome Larson and I'm sure he did just what I asked him to do. The moments were almost overwhelming at times because it seems like yesterday that we were doing the same thing....but at the same time it feels like so long ago we were holding her in our arms. I am so proud of this family and how they are walking this journey....I am honored to be a part of their path and thank God daily for what they mean to me. There is another family in another state too who had a baby just like Pearl....even had a sweet nose like Pearl....we are all talking and stand in awe of what a big God we serve who can make this world seem so small.

In the midst of all this, things have been coming together, slowly, to get a Perinatal Hospice set up here. We have been interviewed by some people and word is out that we want to get this started! I so want to get this started so families can know there is hope and help on this journey. I want them to know they are not alone....if only I had unlimited money and time it would happen much faster. I know this is all in God's timing...He is working in this. I am going to get to write my book someday and have many baskets available for families with resources to help them.

I am thankful I am able to be walking in a valley that is not always so dark and it is filled with sounds of laughter on the sunny days. The tears are still there too....but it is not a hopeless kind of crying. Tears and laughter are good things....I need to let myself do more of both.

Thankful

2007-11-21T14:46:00.000-07:00

Can it really be the day before Thanksgiving? I so want time to just slow down a bit.....I want to be intentional about remembering how much I have to be thankful for. Not just tomorrow but each day....my list is so long. I must say at the top of my list is the precious baby in the pumpkin! Lucy continues to bring so much joy into our lives....and into the lives of our other precious kids! One night this week while we were eating dinner and Lucy was laying in her bouncy seat...she begin to fuss. All at once 5 other chairs scooted out from the table to see what the baby needed! It melts my heart to see how attentive they are to her.

I am also thankful for a holiday season that our hearts will be a bit lighter. Last year was so hard...still in deep grief over Pearl and very newly pregnant with Lucy. Wondering if we would ever have another baby in the house again. I didn't even want to go to the gorcery store much less the mall....just to hard. I am thankful that I feel like celebrating this time of year....thankful the shadows are not always big and dark. Not to say the shadows are not there sometimes....just getting easier to see around them.

I am thankful for the friends and family we have around us who continue to love us so well and continue to laugh and cry with us. Without these people life would be so hard and pretty boring! We have been blessed with so much and I want to remember all these things even when life seems hard and busy. I want to be reminded to slow down and treasure all the gifts.....

Time to catch up

2007-09-24T15:16:00.000-06:00

Wow....is time flying! Lucy is almost 3 months old! I can hardly believe it.....she continues to be such a joy to all of us. Cooing at her brothers and sister, melting her mama's and daddy's heart. Each time I look at her I am reminded of God's faithfulness through the joys as well as the sorrows. Seems like the sadness and questions have been popping up again lately for me. Not sure what the trigger is but as usual, I am just going with it. Pressing into the pain and letting His garment envelop my sore heart. SO thankful for His mercies that are new every morning.

She is still in the bassinet in our room at night and I am loving it! I know, I know, she is 3 months old and needs to be in her own bed! She'll be in there eventually but for now I am loving listening to the baby noises she makes at night and jumping at the chance to feed her in the wee hours of the morning. It is the only quiet time we have together and I love it! We listen to the owls and coyotes in the field and I look into her big, blue eyes and try not to talk to her. She is such a little grunter when she eats and sighs so cute too. I never thought I would like 3am as much as I do! Lucy and I pray for our friends and I treasure every little puff of air she blows on my cheek. I treasure each little noise and remember how quiet it was last year this time at 3am! Oh my heart is so full and being touched so softly by my sweet Jesus.

Introducing Lucy Jean

2007-07-03T20:37:00.000-06:00

She's here....so much to write about and so much swirling around in my head. We are floating....so in love and thankful beyond words for the gift that has been given to us. Lucy Jean arrived at 1:30am on June 28th. A 6 1/2 hour labor with no epidural and 3 pushes....every second of the pain was so worth it. I needed to feel something physical for all of the months of pain that have been in my heart the past 18 months. We were so surprised that she was a girl....3 girls in a row we have! A pink little baby girl with a head full of black hair. Pearl was our only baby born with hair and hers was dark too! Just an extra gift from God that Lucy would have her sisters dark hair. I don't think we have stopped smiling and sometimes there are tears with the smiles too. Our family has changed so much...the joy as well as the peace are tangible. Roark is a different boy...the relief is something you can see on his face. Oliver is so in love and prays the sweetest prayers for her. Zoe is the doting big sister and Josh is a very proud father. We are so thankful.....there will be more words eventually but for now only one word....HOPE.

Just some labor laughs

2007-06-27T09:52:00.000-06:00

So, I think today may be the day to meet this baby. Why am I sitting here typing instead of watching the clock and timing these contractions, some of you may ask?! I think I am in a bit of denial. Last night the contractions were 7-8 min. apart and were like that off and on during the night. I did get some sleep and had some crazy dreams too. I dreamt I delivered the baby in the ER parking lot in the car! Not exactly what I had in mind for my 5th delivery. So, I woke up early this morning and decided to go for a walk. Maybe a walk would help speed things up....put on my little running shorts a t-shirt of J's that is hard to pull over my belly, grabbed my i-pod and headed out the door. I was hauling up some hills and people would pass me from behind and then do a double take after they looked at this woman who looked like she swallowed a basketball. I just smiled a big smile and kept on singing to my Hillsong!

I got back home, called my mom and have decided that today will probably be the day. I am sitting on the exercise ball and Oliver has asked me if he could have the ball, "I need it mom to play a game." Oh Oliver!! I am also beginning to remember the lack of privacy that is about to happen to me....all my parts out there for people to see. Hmmm, is that why people do homebirth so they can keep their crotch private?! But, the reality is that I do not care who sees what....I am having a healthy baby today and that is something that I want to tell everyone. So, if you are reading this on the 27th, will you pray for all of us. Pray for peace, a smooth delivery, a healthy baby and a clam mama and daddy? I am so looking forward to sharing good news soon.

Guess I better go find my watch and start timing these. Maybe Oliver will get this ball back soon.

Almost there!

2007-06-26T14:09:00.000-06:00

Ok, so we are just a few days away from meeting the newest addition to our family and I am sooo nervous. I was telling Josh that I feel like a first time mom all over again. Have I forgotten everything? I am not sure I even know what to expect....I know all this is silly because it is my 5th delivery and I will know what to do. I am just nervous. Asking God to continue to hold me close and hanging onto the words I know he has spoken to me during this journey. I really can hardly wait to be holding a baby in my arms....makes me cry to even think about it. Our time with this baby will not be rushed like it was with Pearl. I need to take a deep breath and realize that I do not need to have each detail of the day planned out and treasure and enjoy each moment. Not that I didn't treasure each moment with Pearl, but I had such a short amount of time to memorize each one her features and make a lifetime of memories in just one day. This baby will be so different....I am looking forward to just holding him or her and listening to her breathe, watching her flinch and most of all listening to her cry. That is the sound I am most looking forward to. I think my senses will be on overload and maybe even now they already are! I often feel like the nerves in my body are vibrating with anticipation...that is when I need the peace that can only come from God. Peace and a love that casts out all fear. I know He will be with us as we walk through the hospital doors, walk down the same hall that was the place of the longest wheelchair ride of my life, and he will be with us as we welcome a new life into our families. I am so thankful for each step we have taken these past 18 months and anticipating the sound of the river of joy that will be in our arms. I know there will be a lot of tears....happy and sad all at the same time. What a gift life is.....

Birthday time....

2007-06-09T14:36:00.000-06:00

May is a huge Birthday month in our family. The last 2 days of April are my mom and nephew's Birthday, my brother's is the 1st, sister's is the 7th and mine is the 27th. Busy month....then on June 5th is Pearl's Birthday. I was sort of holding my breath as we prepared to remember Pearl's day on the 5th and honestly not quite sure how it would all feel. We are anticipating the birth of our baby sometime the end of this month and even with all of that going on I found myself missing Pearl in such a deep way. On the 5th both Josh and I woke up at almost the same time...7:09am to be exact....Pearl was born at 7:11am on June 5th. It was surreal as we lay there holding each other as I silently wept. Remembering all we had been through the 24 hours before her birth and then the actual moment she arrived in our arms. I remembered as my parents, pastor and nurse gathered around my hospital bed as I held my baby and presented her back into the arms of Jesus. We played the song, "Visitor From Heaven" and I believe that as we played that song her heart beat its final beats here on earth. It was a moment I will never forget and I know that if we would have listened really closely we could have heard angel wings as well as the great cloud of witnesses surrounding us welcoming her into heaven. As we lay in bed I couldn't believe that this year had really happened to us...this was all real, we are really different and we really do have a child waiting for us in heaven. I know I have known that for this whole year but the reality of that really hit me. The longing I have to be in heaven was so much deeper this week. I know that she does not miss us, because we will be there with her in just a blink of an eye. But, I miss her so much....I am so thankful for her life, even though it was so brief. She has changed me and so many others. What a gift we were able to hold in our arms for just a short time. I was very teary the rest of the day on the 5th this week and cried more as night came. The grief was very raw and the hole in my heart so obvious. I was reminded of the words that God has planted in my heart, "There is freedom to hope"....hope that means so much. The kind of hope that is unable to be grasped until you have walked through the depths of grief and really entered into the suffering of Christ. Each time this baby inside me moves I am reminded of the hope that is physically growing in me and a hope that I am going to be able to hold in my hands in a few short weeks. This has been a long road this year and I am so thankful for those who were not afraid to enter into our grief and stay on the road with us. I was lonely at times, but knew I was never alone. It takes brave friends to walk closely with someone who is in the depths of sorrow....thank you to all of you who have stood by so close. We are thankful to have this first year behind us, not forgetting our Pearl, but moving forward into a new chapter in our book. We will never forget....I love you Pearl and am so proud to call you my daughter. What a brave girl you were and taught us so much. I can hardly wait to put may face in your thick black curls and whisper how much I love you. Until then, we will keep telling others about you and how much Jesus loves them. I love you Princess!

Some Mother's Day Giveaways

2007-05-02T12:19:00.000-06:00

Go to 5minutesformom.com to check out what they are giving away!

The party continues!

2007-05-01T21:09:00.000-06:00

Just a few pictures! Silly kids....never a dull moment here! Josh and I were able to get away to San Fransisco ALONE for a few days last month.

Here we are on the Golden Gate Bridge. What a great time we had!

My point of view.....

2007-05-01T20:13:00.000-06:00

Things are changing here in so many ways! Most noticeably is the shape of my belly!! This is the view I see when looking for my feet and I love it. I am almost 31 weeks now and getting anxious to hold a crying baby in my arms. We are even letting ourselves get excited about this....such a different story than last year at this time. When we were at Sam's the other day I started to cry when I saw the boxes of newborn baby diapers and realized that we will be having those in our house again so soon. Last year I did not go out to very many places because of all the baby stuff....too hard to see. Now this year it all seems to be popping out at me and the tears come when I realize that I am getting another turn. Even the blossoms on the trees are teeming with new life and this Spring I am not resenting the new life all around me. We are so thankful. The baby moves around all the time....especially after the 5 Otter Pops I just ate tonight. I love to sit with a pen on my belly and watch the tricks the pen does! There really is someone in there who gets to be at home with us....maybe in less than 8 weeks. We are getting ready to take a deep breath soon. Josh is ready to stop holding his breath and I am too, or at least take a deep breath without shuddering. I can almost feel the baby in my arms and see those little pink cheeks glistening with my tears of joy on them. I am letting myself think about having a baby in our bed in the mornings....OK, who am I kidding, it may be for most of the night too! Makes me weep to think about the reality that is ahead of us....finally not a reality that includes planning for a hello and a goodbye so soon. We did so much preparing to say goodbye to Pearl and now, preparing to say a long hello without a goodbye to quickly follow feels so....is there even a word for how I am feeling? All that I know is I can hardly wait and just want a baby in my arms, warm cheeks to kiss, feet to rub, hands to smell and quiet nights to sit and rock. The emotions are wide and many at this point, but from this view all is well and He is faithful. Gently leading us in the tender way only our Father can.....

The kids are getting excited too! Zoe is sure this is a baby sister and her name is Cherry! I asked her last week what if the baby is a brother...she told me, with the most serious look in her eyes, "If it is a brother you will love it and if it is a sister I will love it!" Oh, sweet Zoe. Oliver is very protective of me and does not ever want me to bend down and pick up anything or bump into anything, "because if you do you may hurt the baby. I'll get it for you mom." He is a little gentleman. Roark is always wanting to know if the baby is moving and how much longer until the baby is here. He is such a little helper too! No names yet....the kids have a lot of suggestions but nothing serious yet. We'll know when this little one arrives what the name will be...or I guess we are hoping so.

Thankful for the view around us that is changing...although at times the dry, desert does not seem to far away. There are days it is cloudy and the sadness lingers. I know now where the green pastures are and I am learning my way back to those places when the days are long and dark. The view ahead is looking lush and I know there will be dry spots and dark nights ahead, but the river of joy up ahead is getting louder and soon will be just the sound I am longing to hear...the cry of a baby in my arms.

Keeping a quiet heart....

2007-03-15T08:08:00.000-06:00

My heart has stopped pounding and the questions have settled down. I am trying to rest in the winds of change that are blowing and let the breeze be reassuring instead of frightening. He is holding my heart tenderly and calling for me to rest in His shadow. This is a good place to be, instead of flailing around frustrated. I want to do nothing that will take away from the specialness (is that a word?) of who Pearl was....only be a part of the plans that God has for our family because she is a part of us.

Keeping a quiet heart is a good place to be, thinking on the things that are true and and standing on the firm foundation that is beneath my feet.

Do we need a dictionary?

2007-03-12T15:01:00.000-06:00

em·pa·thy (ĕm'pə-thē) n.
Identification with and understanding of another's situation, feelings, and motives. See synonyms at pity.
The attribution of one's own feelings to an object.
[EN–2 + –PATHY (translation of German Einfühlung).]

grace (grās) n.
Divine love and protection bestowed freely on people.
The state of being protected or sanctified by the favor of God.
An excellence or power granted by God.
God's undeserved, unmerited favor.

These are simple terms that maybe we use to much and truly do not understand the meaning of.

I just have a few questions that I may or may not know the answer to.....these are just a few of the things that are making me fired up!

Is there a limit on the grace that we are able or willing to extend to people? Is there a limit to the grace that is extended to us from God? Do you we really want to know what will happen if God's grace runs out for us? Do we do things for others expecting something in return? Do we have to make everything about us? Why do we place time limits on people's grieving process? Why do some people think that getting pregnant after a loss is like getting a new puppy that will make everything better? Do we need to apologize for doing what we feel is best for our family, even if others may not agree with it? Why do people have such high expectations of one another? Why do people do things just to be noticed and thanked? Do people realize they are missing the message of the gospel when we make life all about ourselves? Why do I let people hurt my heart so much? Why do I care?

I know these are a lot of questions that I am laying before the throne and asking God to help me resolve these in time....I want to be able to leave the questions that are unanswerable and learn from the ones that can be answered. My quivering heart cannot take much more of this.....it is already so fragile.

All fired up...

2007-03-11T13:52:00.000-06:00

Picture with me if you will....a sleepy mom and dad, cozy in bed just as the sun is coming up. A precious 5 year old with big, brown eyes and curly brown hair stomps into the bedroom breathing hard and sounding very frustrated. The sleepy mom heaves herself up and asks, "What is the matter?"

The sweet little boy responds with an exasperated, "I'm just all fired up mom and I don't know what to do!"

The mom says, "What are you so fired up about?"

"I don't know but my legs are just fired up right now....where is the lotion?"

So, for a week now we have all been saying "I'm just all fired up!" Makes for a good laugh as well as a very truthful statement for me right now. I am fired up....can't write about it yet because Blogger may kick me off for the fire that will come through the monitor as I type. I am crafting a way to tell the story without offending anyone and trying to get a good message of grace across.

I better go find the lotion and see if I apply a good slathering to my heart some of the fire will go out and the grace that I know is in me will be found.

Who am I?

2007-02-26T14:22:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to figure out lately who I am! You would think that a 33 almost 34 year old would have some sort of an idea of who she is or at least who she wants to be. No, not me! Josh has been talking about a job change again and it seems as if this one may happen. We won't know for a few more days but if he does get this he will be traveling 6-8 days a month. Now, that may not sound like very much to some of you, but he has never traveled before and I still cry every time he leaves for a trip without me. I can't sleep when he is gone, the kids miss him so much and I am not sure how I will handle this. Now, all this is what got me started on wondering who I am. I think the Laura of a year ago could have handled the thought of her husband going away for those days...I would just do it and make the best of it. But, because I was pregnant for 8 months and said goodbye to that baby, was so sad for so long and probably depressed at times, not pregnant for 4 months and now pregnant again with a new baby due in 4 months!! I don't even remember what it feels like to be me. I know that the person I was before last year will never be back and in some ways that is good, but it is also hard at the same time to figure out if I have it in me to just be stable. It has been so long since I have been truly happy, not tired or sad. I think I am in survival mode right now and am sure that I will need some kind of counseling when this baby arrives to deal with all the emotions that are going to go along with that. I guess it will be counseling or a month with Josh at a beach resort! When Josh asked me if I could handle being without him for those days every other week I didn't know how to answer because I really didn't know how I would be. I do know that things will level out emotionally a bit when I have this baby and we will both be so excited to be holding a baby in our arms! The things I am worried about are small things and really I shouldn't be worrying anyway. As I was fretting about all this and trying to figure out who I am I was reminded by that still, small voice that I do know whose I am! I will always be taken care of because of who I belong to and He will never leave me or forsake me. SO...I guess that is all I need to know is whose I am, and the who am I will fall into place!

Robert A. Mac Murchy Jr.

2007-02-26T14:00:00.000-07:00

Two years ago today a man that had a profound impact in shaping me into who I am today was suddenly called home to be with Jesus. His precious wife continues to be one of my most favorite people in the world as well as a woman who speaks so much into my life. I was thinking last night about some of my favorite memories with Robert and Caren too and came up with so many. I even chuckled out loud thinking of some of the funnier ones. Just think... all this started in a small art room at Dry Creek Elementary School. Sometimes only a handful of youth, but always a remnant who were there because they had a passion to hear from God and Robert always made sure that we were a passionate group who had one goal in mind....to worship. I can still see Robert up there playing the guitar...sometimes fumbling his way through a song, but always leading us to the throne. On Wednesday nights there were 20 of us crammed into a sometimes very smelly and hot, conference room with an orange lamp sporting a burned shade....worshipping with our whole hearts, our faces on the ground crying out to God. These were the life changing moments that ruined so many of us for the ordinary. We came to worship and pray...when Robert scheduled a volleyball night in the summer we were all a bit disappointed because there would be no worship that night! Odd group we were!! I don't know if Robert ever fully comprehended the impact he made on so many lives.....an impact that has changed generations. There are many of us that were his "first fruit" and now have children of our own that we are raising to be worshippers and ruined for the ordinary. I like to think that Robert is in heaven even now, leading worship with Pearl and a few of the others who have babies waiting for them in heaven. Caren has done and continues to do an amazing job of carrying on the vision Robert had to see lives changed and to see people thinking outside the box. I look forward to the day when we are reunited with the man who helped to shape us...I just hope he knew while he was here how we loved him and how thankful we were for all he poured into us. I know we had funny ways of showing our love....The man that so honestly asked us one night at Youth Group to pray for his hemorrhoids...we laughed and the next week late at night we found a nasty toilet at a bus stop (don't ask!) stuffed clothes with newspaper, made a man and put a package of Tucks in his hand! We drove to their house late at night, put the toilet on the lawn with the man sitting on the toilet with the Tucks and left it there! I think Robert and Caren left it there for a while. Another time we had a brilliant idea of spreading lard all over his van....that poor van was never the same. Wasn't fun to be in a rainstorm with those windshield wipers! Most summer nights they had trees full of toilet paper and one night the police even came, caught 2 of us and walked us up to their door. Robert and Caren just laughed and invited the rest of us to come back in! What fun we had! There were also times that Robert was not going to let things slide....we still talk about the time in Youth Group when a boy was telling another one of his many sad stories and Robert looked at him and said, "That's a load of crap (insert name) and you know it"! Always keep us honest, and teaching us how to love well all at the same time. It was silent in the room for a bit after that! Oh, Robert how we loved you and continue to love your precious bride too. Can't wait to see you soon!

Happy Birthday Princess Zoe!

2007-02-19T18:21:00.000-07:00

Today Zoe is 3!! Seems like yesterday I was looking into the dark blue eyes of my sweet baby girl. I was so sure she was a boy and so surprised when I leaned down to hold her as she was coming out....I looked between her legs...nothing there!! I whispered through my tears, "It's a girl!" Josh was a mess and has been a ball of putty around here since the moment he saw her. So thankful for this little ball of liquid sunshine! She is running around in her new swimsuit right now, it is only 30 degrees outside ! Guess we are ready for summer here. For her Birthday she asked for, "Flowers, new panties, and lipstick." Did I say she is only 3? She did get all of those things and more....let's say my sister has something great coming for my nephew's Birthday in April! What a great day we had with her. Her cheeks are as soft and full as the day she was born, and her lips are so kissable. What a treat she is....even on the hard days. She has such a precious heart that I hope never goes away...each night for the past 8 months she has been praying, "Jesus- help mommy to have another baby and for the baby to grow big and strong." She is the one who has had the most faith and I know God is listening to her. Zoe- I love you so much princess and I am so blessed to have you in my life. Keep spreading sunshine wherever you go! Happy, Happy Birthday!

Trees

2007-02-19T17:47:00.000-07:00

These past days have been such a blur.....so much to be digesting and so little space to just sit and be. Thursday as well as the last few days after our ultrasound have been a surreal experience for me. As we drove to our appointment I was staring out the window begging God not to let the view look any different on our way home. All the emotions of how we drove home after finding the news about Pearl came flooding back in. Then that quiet voice came and reminded me of the song I woke up singing that morning....the hymn "Blessed Assurance". I can't remember the last time I heard or sang that song. The words are so rich and the truth so loudly spoken. The rest of the drive I tired to breathe and sing the song, knowing that no matter the outcome of the visit He loved me and we did have Blessed Assurance that all will be well and we will praise our Saviour all the day long. Perfect submission all is at rest, perfect delight, echos of mercy and whispers of love...ahh good words. (Avalon has a great version of this song!) The walk into the office was long and we were pretty quiet. As soon as the tech told us she was ready I burst into tears and it took me a bit to get it together and lay back on the table. I knew I had to stop crying so she could get a good look at the baby. She was so good to us and explained everything in detail. I must have asked 100 times, "Are you sure everything looks alright?" Both J and I wept as she went through all the measurements and showed us a full head of brain....the relief in the room was almost tangible. SO many things we were able to see on that screen that we never saw on Pearl. I kept seeing Pearl's sweet face in my head as we looked at this baby's complete face....maybe this baby wouldn't even be here if Pearl was here with us. What a gift these children are! When the sonographer was done I couldn't believe it was over. It went by so fast....it was peaceful and so good. The phone calls after we were done were tear filled, but such a testimony of God's faithfulness. I am ashamed to say I was not sure those were the kind of phone calls we were going to get to make. Great faith I have huh?!

I knew that we would survive whatever the news would be and that we would continue to cling to Him in all things. I am so thankful for the good news...thankful that our roots go down deep even in the times where there seem to be no leaves on our tree. There is a big sycamore tree in our neighbors yard that I see every morning...right now it is ugly and has no leaves on it and is blown around and frozen most of the time these days. I do know that in a couple more months this tree will have huge, green leaves on it and will be beautiful. This tree survives the harsh winters because it's roots go down deep and is nourished even in the times the land is dry. I feel like that is where we are right now....the leaves were shaken off our tree for a season, but our roots went down deep and we hung onto the source of our strength. We did our best to fight of disease and stayed close to our provider..even lifted our dry branches to Him when it took all we had to stand. We will flourish again...the leaves will come back. First the tiny buds, then great big leaves that will be like the oak tree that Is. 61 talks about....a display of His splendor. I want that and am looking forward to this next season of our lives. I do know that there will be other season when the leaves will fall and we will fee dry, but we will never uproot ourselves looking for another source. We are camped in the land of hope...we have walked through the valley of sorrows and are walking toward the river of joy. Our roots need some of that kind of water, so our leaves will grow and be a picture of His redemption for all to see. When I get afraid I will continue to trust Him....no matter what. Thankful for the other trees that are around us as a display of His splendor. What a forest we live in....wanting the light to filter in and shine so all the trees are nourished.

It is well.....

2007-02-15T20:02:00.000-07:00

The report from our ultrasound today was perfect! We are so thankful and I have a heart full of things I want to write about, but for now I am exhausted and ready to go to bed! I will write more tomorrow and fill in the details. Sweet, sweet sleep will be here tonight for all of us!

Almost tomorrow....

2007-02-14T08:32:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the big day for our ultrasound....I am not afraid, just very anxious to have this over and start getting excited about this baby. I am not sleeping well at all! My nights go like this, fall asleep at 9pm, wide awake at midnight and up with my thoughts and a few of the same songs until 5am! Not fun! Sometimes if I can visualize myself going into a situation I am nervous about it takes away some of the fear and then it doesn't seem so big. When I try to do that in the middle of the night I am reminded of what I heard so clearly in my heart right after we found out we were pregnant. I was fretting about the ultrasound and how that would feel to be there...I heard a voice in my heart like never before that said, "Don't go there!" I knew exactly where that there was! I am unable to go there in my head and just know that I have to get out of the car tomorrow and bravely walk into that office and take a peek into the babe growing and moving in my belly. There will be grace each step of the way and I know I have to go. I have already asked Josh if he would be willing to go without me to this appointment. He took me in his arms with a smile on his face and told me that if he could he would, but they need my uterus at this appointment! So, no getting out of this one! We are trusting for the best report ever. This is going to be a year of redemption for so many we know that have had such great loss in 2006. Many new babies coming into lives of those that have suffered loss...S, S, V, J, S, and more. We are on that list too and will be a testimony to God's faithfulness...even in the times in the valley of sorrow. Maybe tonight if I do not sleep I will begin to craft my blog post about our good news! Thank you all for praying for us!

Greetings from the land of snoring!

2007-02-06T08:43:00.000-07:00

What a crazy 10 days we have had here! Plenty of sleepless nights and plenty of things to laugh about...because we would be crying if it weren't so funny. Oliver's surgery went well....he was so brave and acted like such a big boy. When the nurse came in to ask him what he was there for he said, "I am here to have my septum repaired and my tonsils and adenoids out." Just like that! She smiled and brought her friends back to see this curly haired, brown eyed little boy. At one point before he went back he pulled me close and said, "Mom, I am just really, really nervous." The Dr was pleased with how the surgery went and was on his way then left us in recovery with a hysterical little boy who was so scared and hurting. We were on our way home in 2 hours. Have you ever tried to get a very smart and articulate 5 year old to drink and take nasty medicine without a fight? I want to hear from you if you have made this work without losing your cool at least once! We have used every bribe we could ever think of and at one point last week, this calm and cool mama lost it. I mean really lost it....I was screaming at Oliver how ridiculous this was that he would not drink and how he HAD to drink this NOW and take this medicine RIGHT NOW! Not pretty....as I was yelling I was once again in awe of how I could let a 5 year old control my emotions so well. Zoe came running up the steps and wondered aloud, "What is eerone yellin bout?" Both Oliver and I were crying at this point. I apologized and he drank and took the medicine. By this point I was hoping for someone to start yelling at me to take some medicine!

He is doing better after an overnight stay in the hospital on Saturday for some IV steroids, IV fluid and oxygen. I was teary last night when I went into his room and heard that for the first time I can remember he was breathing quietly...let me say that again....quietly through his nose. He is still waking up at night 3 or 4 times becsue his throat hurts, but I think he is getting better. Being up at night makes me even more anxious to have a hungry baby in my arms in those wee hours of the morning.....for now I will have to settle for a crying 5 year old with dragon breath refusing to take some more Tylenol at 3am! I do love him so much!

Just 2 funny stories from our time....On Wednesday night last week we heard Oliver crying upstairs and knew Roark was with him. Josh and I ran up the stairs ready to pounce on whoever was hurting Oliver! The boys were standing in the bathroom wiping the blood from Oliver's mouth....Roark pulled Oliver's barely loose tooth in just a few yanks! Brings new meaning to just wanting to hurt yourself when you feel so bad! Oliver was so proud of this new space in his mouth. A bit later I walked by the trash can and saw something white with blood spots all over it. Hmmm...as I unfolded this I discovered it was the underwear Roark had on that day! After asking our budding dentist a few questions I discovered that Roark had used this pair of dirty underwear to pull Oliver's tooth! Gross! The next day Oliver asked for his popsicle stick, quietly went upstairs and a while later returned with another tooth in his hand and announced that he used the popsicle stick to push his tooth out! These 2 boys are going to always going to keep us on our toes!

A few days later I was mixing up medicine for Oliver and for the first time he saw me mix 2 kinds into the same syringe. He was horrified and I stammered and told him I had been doing this all week and it was just like one kind of medicine. He looked at me with big tears in his eyes and said in the saddest voice ever,"Mom, this is the first time you have ever lied to me and I can't believe it." Poor Oliver!

So, we are coming out of the land of snoring and hopefully into some more sleep filled nights. I am continuing to wrestle with my fears and have finally scheduled our "Big Ultrasound" for the 15th. I am nervous, but trying to remember that He will never leave us or forsake us. I just so want to have good news and be able to start telling people that there is another one on the way here and it is going to be a healthy baby. The times I start questioning God and wondering what he is doing and why I am reminded of his response to Job after he is trying to "figure out" what GOD is doing and why all this has happened to him. God so eloquently reminds Job who he is and even asks him if he was there when HE laid the foundations of the earth. Was Job the one who told the sun to rise, told the stars where to go, could he raise his voice and tell the clouds to flood where you stand, do the lightening bolts report to you? I have to chuckle when I read this and then am so thankful that I am not in charge of all those things and so many others. GOD is and he is good. God even cares where and how the ostrich lays her eggs.....He is so much bigger than I could ever imagine and does care about all those seemingly little things that swirl around in my head, but who am I to question why he does what he does?! We are at his mercy and do want him to do what he wants with us...even when it hurts. But, I do know he loves us and treats us so tenderly even when we do question. He is quietly calming my heart and I am trusting him. In the end Job continued to trust God with all of his heart and blessed him with more then he ever sould have even imagined....God even doubled the number of children he had...he had 20 children with him when he went to heaven! We are trusting and hoping with all hope for the best report ever about this baby next week.

Just found this

2007-01-25T21:22:00.000-07:00

Nothing in this world, no treasure man could buy
Could take the place of drawing near to You
There’s nothing I want more than to spend my days with You
Dwelling in Your secret place of praise
(And) oh, how I need You Jesus, I need You
You are the One that satisfies
You are the One that satisfies
~ Nothing In This World, Written by Tim Hughes©1998 Thankyou Music / PRS / Admin. by worshiptogether.com Songs for the world excluding the UK and Europe which is admin. by Kingsway

Just found this on another blog I like to visit...healedwaters.wordpress.com/

One more thing

2007-01-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

The picture I posted of Roark and Oliver was taken in November! We still have 3 feet of snow in the backyard and we haven't seen that chair or most of the slide in about a month! Come on over if you want a great hill to sled down!

Spewing popcorn kernels!

2007-01-25T18:27:00.000-07:00

I feel as if I am a pan of popcorn popping with hot kernels spewing all over the place!! I am about ready to boil over in tears or a nasty eruption of anger. Can't quite figure out why, except that my mind is going in 100 different directions. One of those weeks, I guess. Frustrating after such a great weekend with a bunch of girls and I was feeling so full of hope and ready to face some of my fears. Funny how reality can change your plans so much.

I know God is calling me to trust Him in new ways and I also know I am holding back on that too. I'm sure that is fear holding me back...I really shouldn't be afraid of some of these things because I have already faced one of my biggest fears head on...I have buried a child. I should have nothing to be afraid of because Psalms says, "When I am afraid I will trust in God". I am teaching my children this verse and they are learning...with a mama who is afraid sometimes too is standing right beside them. I must say there are so many things we are not afraid of anymore because of what we have been through the last year. We are not afraid of dying and going to heaven...we talk about it alot and can hardly wait to be there. However, I am afraid of going through the pain again and what it would mean to place another one of my children in the arms of Jesus while I still can wear low rise jeans and not be too worried about the wrinkles!! You may ask why I am thinking of all this again?! Well, to the blog world that does not know and I hope that I did not miss anyone I should have told in person....we are pregnant again. I am 17 weeks....due 7.7.07!! We are nervous but excited too. I am battling the fear of the what if's on a daily basis, and often doing a pretty good job ignoring the fact that I have a set of twins growing on my chest and a pooch coming from my belly. Seems like if I can ignore this that all will be well. I have a twisted way of thinking sometimes! But, I am not ignoring the fact that I must let The Prince of Peace take every thought captive as well as think on the things I know are true. Often times during the day I have to remind myself of the things I know are true....1. There is a baby growing in my womb that we have no reason to believe is anything but healthy 2. God has commanded me not to be afraid and that he will never leave me or forsake me 3. I do know what it means to be held 4. God is a good God Then as I begin to recite these truths the Holy Spirit brings more thing to my mind and the fear slowly goes away.

Even the 23 Psalm is coming alive in new ways to me. The LORD is MY Shepard...can you wrap your head around that THE LORD is the one that is leading us? HE is guiding us and we will not be afraid, because he is a GOOD and attentive Shepard that will not let anything snatch us out of His mighty hand. However, we must let go of the things we hold onto so tightly so we can fall into the palm of his hand where he holds us so that nothing will be able to devour us. He is leading us beside the quiet waters. When I think about this part I wonder if you have to be lead by the roaring parts of the water to get to the quiet waters. The roaring waters are scary to watch, but as we let him gently lead us and prod us with his rod past the scary part the quiet streams await us.

I want to be able to be a sheep that knows his voice so I am able to be lead. A sheep that is cowering in the back of the pen because he is afraid of what is ahead, must not know the voice of his Shepard. When I hear His voice I want to go to the quiet waters and let him calm my fears. Oh how beautiful when we get to heaven and it is all quiet waters that we will walk side by side with our Shepard with no fear! Even the lions that are there will not be able to harm us...we will all be resting by the streams together. What a picture that my soul longs for. I want to be practicing that here, right now. Just like the old hymn, "Jesus, Jesus How I trust thee....Oh for grace to trust you more." I want to repent of my fear....and God knew we would have fears here on earth because the Bible tells us so much to, "Fear not!" That sounds like a command that I have been disobeying.....maybe I need to go sit on the step and fold my hands! Oh God, forgive me...I want to have your love in my heart that casts out all fear. I want to let you lead me out of the fold and beside the quiet waters. I know that tomorrow all I am writing will be put to the test. Oliver is having surgery tomorrow and I am so nervous...ok afraid is the right thing to call it. I do not want to have fear about it...I want God's peace to cover all of us. I want Oliver to be peaceful with no fear...we have been talking about not being afraid because God is with us. I need to really hang onto that for myself and Oliver too.

My heart feels lighter already....something about just putting it all out there. Maybe Josh will want to talk with me now that I am not quite like a hot pot of oil with popcorn kernels spewing all over the place! Praying for several of those that I know read this blog to be able to grasp how wide and how deep his love is for us....there is no fear in that kind of love. I am longing to know that myself too. Peace and sweet sleep for all!

’Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,And to take Him at His Word; Just to rest upon His promise, And to know, “Thus says the Lord!”

Jesus, Jesus, how I trust Him!How I’ve proved Him o’er and o’erJesus, Jesus, precious Jesus!O for grace to trust Him more!

O how sweet to trust in Jesus,Just to trust His cleansing blood; And in simple faith to plunge me’Neath the healing, cleansing flood!
Refrain

Yes, ’tis sweet to trust in Jesus, Just from sin and self to cease; Just from Jesus simply taking Life and rest, and joy and peace.
Refrain

I’m so glad I learned to trust Thee,Precious Jesus, Savior, Friend;And I know that Thou art with me,Wilt be with me to the end.
Refrain

Sickies!

2007-01-23T11:01:00.000-07:00

Lots to talk about, but no energy to sit here and put all my thoughts together! Everyone here is sick and a bit on the crabby side too...including me, imagine that! We are on day 5 of all this. Oliver is having surgery on Friday to repair his septum, tonsils and adneoids out....he needs to be 100%!! Please pray that we will all be better going into this and if we shouldn't do this we would know what to do. I'll update later...time to go turn a movie on and close my eyes with the kids.

Noah Steven Graves

2007-01-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

I have been trying to figure out what to write all week now about the Graves family. Today was the day they placed Noah in the arms of Jesus. I have been praying that when the moment came all the family there would get a glimpse of the great cloud of witnesses surrounding them. I wanted them to hear the rustle of angels wings as God held Noah in His arms and said, "Well done my good and faithful servant." I know that God would say that to the whole family....well done.

My mind has been so crowded with thoughts of our last few days with Pearl as well as how Jason and Adrienne were spending their time with Noah. They did all of this with such grace and so much faith. They have great faith because they are not afraid...there is no fear in that kind of faith. They have totally submitted themselves to the sovereignty of God and will trust Him even though they had to say goodbye to their son. I have been thinking about the goodbye part....I thought the days and hours before the goodbye were so precious. It was the time after the goodbye was final that was so hard. Picking up the pieces and figuring out who your family is now is the hard part. The Graves family will not be alone.....

When I told my kids today that Noah was in heaven with Jesus Roark said that was good and bad. I asked him why and he said, "Bad because they had to say goodbye and he died and good because he is all better in heaven. They will be sad for about 3 weeks and cry alot and then after that they won't cry all the time because it won't be as sad anymore." My precious 1st born! Oliver said with tears in his eye, "Oh mom how sad. But, Pearl is going to be so excited to have a new friend in heaven and she will really like him". Praying that Noah's sister Emily will have a fresh perspective of heaven as well and a longing to be there.....just like we do.

I can't stop thinking about the verse in Lamentations "Because of His great love we are not consumed." SO thankful for a love that consumes us and not grief.

Well done precious Noah, we will miss you and love you so much

"PilDrums" Progress

2007-01-04T14:41:00.000-07:00

Roark and I have been reading aloud what he calls, "Pildrums Progress". Known to the rest of the world as "Pilgrims Progress". I remember starting this book when I was little but never getting to the end. Last night we finally finished the book! I wept as we read the last few pages, I think the boys were wondering what was wrong with me now. Christian and Hopeful, after a long and tiring journey were in the land right before they reached the gates of heaven. They had to cross over a raging river and then get the gates to open. Hopeful knew that after all they had been through they would be able to cross the river. Christian on the other hand was not sure he was going to be able to do this because the water was deep as raging. The man that stood at the waters edge told them it was only as deep as they believed it to be. I loved that.... They started crossing and Christian started freaking our. Hopeful was trying to encourage him as we walked because his feet were on solid ground...he was remembering all the ways The Prince (Jesus) has helped him along the journey and he knew he would not fail him as he came to the gates of heaven. Christian was doubting if he was going to make it, water swirling and the ground was no where to be felt. This is how I can feel so often...when I take my eyes off Jesus and doubt how I am ever going to make it. Hopeful came along side him and encouraged him to remember all the things The Prince had done for him....just like so many others have done for me. As soon as Christian began to remember there was solid ground beneath his feet. He was standing on a firm foundation because he had hope, hope that The Prince was going to lead him safely home and be true to his word that He would never leave him or forsake him. This is the solid foundation that lies beneath our feet when the waves threaten to overtake us. When the water seems to deep we need to remember what we are standing on. Because of His great love we are not consumed....I am holding onto that promise as the waves seem to be coming in. I want to swim out further past where the waves crash and just jump up as the swells begin to form. There is a safe place....the hiding place when all around the waves are crashing. This story of Christian and Hopeful moved my heart last night...I even dreamt about it. Roark told me he did too! There is a solid foundation beneath my feet...I just need to stand on that!

Christmas

2006-12-30T20:30:00.000-07:00

We made it through Christmas!! I wondered at many points during the week if I was going to be able to go through with all of it. I think it helped that we were snowed in for 3 of the days before Christmas, unable to get out in all the hustle and bustle. Just the 5 of us at home, playing in the snow and being together. I missed Pearl , but knew her presence was with us as we celebrated with the kids. Man, she celebrated Christmas with JESUS! What a time she had....do you think there will be video of that? I hope so! There has been a peace and a hope that settle in my heart sometimes...when I am not fighting it. Sometimes the waves of fear overtake me and I feel as if I drowning in fear again and He cannot hear my cries to Him. I need to remember just like in the real ocean that you have to go with the waves, dive under them and wait calmly, knowing the wave will pass and I will not drown. Sometimes waves can even be fun if you can stay calm......I want to be able to trust Him and rest knowing that I will not drown and He is there with me. I want the fragrance of heaven to be lingering in my nose.....I want the fragrance to linger when I have left the room....I want my children to be thinking about heaven and all that there is waiting for us when we have left this confusing, painful place. I want to be thinking about heaven when the waves of fear and doubt overtake me. As a new year is almost here there is so much that is behind us...oh what a year! But, there is so much that is ahead of us too. I want to take hold of all those things with hope in my eyes and heart as well as the scent of heaven in my nose.

O

2006-12-29T20:25:00.000-07:00

No words needed......well maybe a few! Thank you from the bottom of my heart S & J. We continue to hold onto hope and walk into a New Year of restoration!

Hope.....

2006-12-19T16:43:00.000-07:00

"Jesus, Jesus how I love thee....Jesus, Jesus precious Jesus, Oh for strength to trust Him more." I need some strength to trust Him more. It is slowly coming....I know in my head that I can trust Him, I need my heart to catch up. The phrase "wrestling with hope" has been coming up lately. I do feel like that is what I am doing and that is a slippery job. It is almost a slippery fish that we can't hold on to, but know that once we capture it all will be well and even the hope will be safely in it's place...tucked away in a bowl of water for all to see a picture of God's faithfulness as well as a constant reminder to us that we have wrestled with the hope and it is a real thing. I need God to just appear to me and tell me all is well. This journey of trusting him is so hard and long sometimes. I am not doing a great job of trusting right now and know that if I can wrap my heart around how much he loves me, I will be able to trust him in ways like never before. I struggle with the thoughts of fear and doubt all the time, but at night when I wake up there is always a song in my head that I wake up singing. I know he is singing over me even in the darkest times of the night. I want to be singing to him too and not just walking around in fear. There is hope for all of us right now and easy to picture as Christmas is fast approaching. I am praying that as we all look into the eyes of the baby Jesus we will see the hope that is there for all of us.

Can't get motivated....

2006-11-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

Ok, so the tree is up, the lights are on, the pearls are on the tree thanks to my sister and the boxes of ornaments have been sitting on the fireplace for 5 days. The stockings are hung on the mantel....only 3 kids stockings and it hurts to look at that. I don't feel like doing any of this. We talked tonight about just letting the kids decorate the tree....all the ornaments on one low branch in the same spot. It would be fun for them and fun for me to watch. Maybe I am depressed.....I just have no desire to do any of this. I want to make some gifts, I want to get stuff for my stocking person and that is it. The mass of the mall does not appeal to me....maybe with a glass of spiked cider and my mom and sister waltzing through Nordstrom. I can do this....right? I need to get into the whole Christmas thing for my kids. I love Christmas....this is just not the Christmas I thought we were going to have. I am praying this Christmas we will really remember what this is all about. Jesus came to earth....left the place I want to be. He came because he loved us so much and wanted us to be with him in heaven forever. Because he came we will see our Pearl again. That should be something that makes me smile and want to go decorate the tree with my kids.....here comes Z asking again. I guess I better go with a smile on my face and maybe the smile in my heart will follow. Oh, I hope so.......

Now what?

2006-11-24T13:30:00.000-07:00

Well, Thanksgiving came and went and I am still feeling like a truck drove through my heart. Seems as if the wound is gaping again instead of just oozing. I have even had a dream last night where I freaked out and started yelling at people because I tell them I have had control of myself for a few months now and I just can't keep it all in anymore. Both J and I were sad in a way we haven't been for a while. The reality that someone from our family was missing yesterday was almost to much for me to bear. I have been dreading Thanksgiving as well as the whole month of December for a while now and been pretty good at avoiding the whole thought of it all until yesterday....it smacked me in the face. We went to the cemetery in the morning yesterday to bring some flowers to Pearl and I didn't think I was going to be able to leave. I just sat down and sobbed. It hit me all over again that the body of my precious baby was here and that she was not going to be with us at the table tonight. How could I leave there? All the memories of holding her for the last time at the mortuary came flooding back and I couldn't even stand. I miss her right now in such a deep way. This time of year is all about being together as a family and damn it we are not all together. Yes, I know someday we will be, but that is not helping me right now. I want my whole family to be together sitting around that table and the tree laughing......my heart breaks when I see my husband with big, sad, brown eyes staring at me knowing there is nothing he can do to make this better. How am I ever going to get through this next month? I told J last night that I would give anything to be able to leave on December 20th and not come back until the 1st. But, once again I am running away with the thing that I am most sad about....my family that is missing someone. I know that time is making that hole not as big and my arms won't always be longing for a baby to hold. It's just that I am not sure how you get over the feeling that a part is missing. I guess God had to wait (that sounds funny!) for 33 years for his son to come back....did that feel like a long time to God? What is 33 years in the currency of time in heaven? I do know one thing.....we are being held and so is Pearl...all 6 of us by the same set of strong arms. That thought needs to bring comfort to my aching heart. Somehow I will make it through this next month. I am going to smile for my kids, decorate our tree, out Pearl's ornament on the tree as well as the garland of Pearls. I don't want them ever to forget. There is, "Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow.....Great is thy Faithfulness!"

What is it?

2006-11-08T18:55:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a bit anxious lately....the kind where your heart is pounding at 4am. I am praying for these ugly thoughts that rear their heads at that time of day will be gone. I am struggling with the question and definition of faith again. Why is that a battle for me? I want to believe that I have faith, but maybe I do not have enough or the right kind. I know that there is a sifting going on right now in the world of Christianity and maybe God is sifting some things in my heart too. I am wondering what it looks like to have the kind of faith in your heart to move mountains. I know faith is not something that we can conjure up on our own or just magically produce. I smile when I think of that because I remember a sermon Greg Johnson did on the Fruits of the Spirit....he was trying to squeeze fruit out of his body and always made some pretty great faces! Is faith a gift that God gives some and does not give others? I know there are days where I feel I have the faith of only a mustard seed and isn't that what the Bible says we need? I guess I struggle with all this because I feel that because God is sovereign is there any amount of faith that can change the course of what he has already planned? Am I so jaded that I have a hard time believing that my faith can change the course of things? I do know that God can heal, that he is good and trustworthy.....I do not struggle with those truths. I only struggle with the fact that there are times I feel like I did not have enough faith and that is why Pearl was not healed. Are there those that think we did not have enough faith for her to be healed and have we been a bad example for some of those around us? I know that is not true....God did heal her, it just wasn't in the place we would have liked that to happen. She is running in heaven with all those black curls flying around. I want there to be room in my life for a God that doesn't always do exactly as we think he should do. I want to honor his sovereignty and serve him with a whole heart, even when he doesn't seem to make sense. I think sometimes I feel disappointed with how things turn out, but then I am reminded that he does have us engraved on the palms of his hand and has promised to never, no not ever leave us. That is a promise I want to hang onto when I am questioning the amount of faith I have. Even in the midst of the questions my faith continues to be challenged and will grow. I am asking God to give me the gift of faith....not the kind of faith that treats God like an ATM who gives out what we want when we want it, but that kind of faith that trusts him with my whole heart and has enough faith to believe that he has only the best for me....no matter what that is.

A little vacation...

2006-10-26T19:42:00.000-06:00

We were able to finally get away for a few days this week. We went to Glenwood Springs with the kids and stayed in a great hotel. It is over 100 years old with all kinds of fun pictures all over as well as beds that felt like they were 100 years old! We played in the hot springs with the kids, ate way to much and had a great time just being together. I was actually able to relax for an extended period of time for the first time in more than 8 months. It felt so good to be away from the phones, computer and the dust that is rapidly accumulating in my house. I needed this....I do think for the first time in a long time I laughed without thinking of Pearl. It was so good to be with my husband and kids in an environment where we were not distracted. However, I still did feel like one of us was missing. I couldn't help but to feel like we should have been asking for a table of 6. I so want to have another little one running around here and we are just praying for the right time. Part of me is scared to try again and the other part of me is sure that God would not let this happen to us again. I can't have the baby phase here end the way it did. I don't think we are not finished yet. I know this will be a huge surprise to some people that we are willing to try this again, and maybe we are crazy but I just don't think we are done. I do know God is not finished with us either.......Josh and I had a lot of time to talk this week. We talked about where we felt like God is leading us and what may be ahead if us in the next 5 years. Book writing, speaking, leading, babies, new jobs, teenagers!, vacations, and doing life with those around us that we love. Life is bigger than we imagine and I know the past 8 months of our lives we have seen how big things are around us. We do see through the glass dimly on this side of eternity and I hope that at times we can get the scraper out and see through that glass more clearly at times. I want to have the character to live large even through the hard times and keep pressing forward. I am trying.....I want to keep going and meeting others on the journey that we are walking on and walk together. I think I'll go kiss my kids now and curl up with my latest book, "Rooms of Marvels"...a book about heaven. Maybe I'll dream of Pearl tonight. I can only hope.....

Winds of change!

2006-10-18T21:05:00.000-06:00

I am not liking the feeling of everything changing. I have had enough change in my life the past 5 months haven't I. I thought by changing the color of my hair I would be changing something I had control over and now I don't even like that anymore. Too much change!! The weather is changing...we had our first snow yesterday and I even went sledding with the kids today. Fun, but now that really means my days in my black flip flops are over. I think that as the season changes I am once again reminded that time is still moving forward and at times without me. We are getting new carpet, yes a good thing, but another change. The house is in shambles and I think I am getting a tic. I need consistency in my life! J has been talking about some new things too. Yikes! More change and maybe a big one. I want to do what is going to make him happy, but I am not sure I can go through any kind of a move right now. Even a move that is an hour away. I love the school we are in, good friends and I feel like we are settling into the community there. I guess what I do need is for God to change my heart....I need to trust Him more and to know that it is not about where we are, it is about the people that God wants us to meet. Who does God want us to touch? Today when I was cleaning all the stuff out of closets making a huge mess to prepare for the new carpet, I came across a really old planner of mine. Remember those big Franklin Covey planners? Yes, that one with the cool leather cover. Anyway, I found some of the notes my mom had written me as I prepared to leave for another semester of college. I sat on the floor and cried. I thought of all the things she said to me about God preparing me for what will lie ahead in my life and I cried out to God and asked why I thought all those things were so hard compared to this!? If I would have known 10 years ago what I was going to go through in 2006 I may have left on a ship and never came back. But, then I would have missed so much more....an incredible husband, 4 beautiful children and so much more. So, in the end is change a good thing? Even the painful things? Does change always have to hurt? I think I am like my dad when it comes to change and I know R is just like me. I am certain of one thing that Jesus is the same yesterday, today and forever! Aren't I a good Foursquare girl? :) I am ok...I will be ok and maybe soon there will be a change I am excited about! I just need to remember all the things that will never change:J, R,O,Z&P too, my family, God....all big things that I could never live without. "But there's one thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. " Lamentations 3:22 I guess the winds of change will keep blowing if I like it or not...just please blow softly and slowly, we are still recovering from the tsunami that changed the landscape of our lives.

PS- One more picture of the Princess...I couldn't resist. Where are the boys when I have my camera out. I promise next time it will be the boys.

These shoes....

2006-10-13T17:50:00.000-06:00

Today as I bent down to tie my shoes I had a frightening flash back of the last time I wore these shoes and bent down to tie them.....we were in a cold, dark ultrasound room and the ultrasound tech had just told us that she was seeing something wrong with our baby's brain. I don't even have to close my eyes and I can remember each second of that morning. When she told us that I jumped off that table so fast that Josh did not even know what was going on. All I kept saying was, "Let me go, I am going home". I remember bending down to tie my orange shoes...something so simple and at that moment I knew that our lives would never be simple again. Those shoes were the only cheery thing in that dark room that day. As I was tying my shoes Josh continued to ask me what was wrong and I remember grabbing his face asking him in a hysterical voice, "What are we going to do? Our baby does not have a brain" I will never forget the look on his face for as long as I live....I knew at that moment we were changed forever....even tying my orange shoes would never be the same again. Today as I bent down to tie my shoes I started to feel me heart race a bit faster and my breathing be a bit labored. I was scared again and the tears came freely once again. I miss my baby today...seems like somedays the pain is bearable and other days it is all I can do to not just get back in bed, hold her lovie and cry. To think that all it took was the simple act of tying my orange shoes to set me off today. I will never forget...I don't want to. Each time I wear these shoes I will not only be reminded of what that day meant for us, but also where those shoes have carried me. I am walking on the road that will "lead me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy" (Jars of Clay- The Valley Song). I need shoes on to be on that road and when I get to the river of joy I am going to have my toenails painted bright pink with my comfy flip flops on.

It's cold!

2006-10-13T17:46:00.000-06:00

The Princess has decided she like to wear hoods now! One of my favorite faces! Couldn't you just kiss those cheeks all day?

What is all this for?

2006-10-06T13:58:00.000-06:00

I have been thinking today about what going through this kind of pain is really for. Why in God's sovereignty did he allow such a thing to happen to us? Why were we chosen for this? In this fallen world we live in as Satan watched this plan unfold did he really think that we would turn our backs on God? Did he not know that God was going to get the glory either way? How could he not know that the Bible asks death where it's sting is? Does he not know that the victory has already be declared? God in his sovereignty has already showed Satan the end. He knows that he is going to lose and is trying his best to make sure that there is a crowd to go with him. I have been thinking as I watch other friends go through life changing events, marriages being rocked, babies dying and others that what if we are raising the generation who is going to see Jesus return? What if we are telling our children about the things of Jesus and they are going to be the ones who hear the trumpet blast!? Of course Satan will be attacking families to break things apart, make children question if there is a God who loves them, bring doubt into their lives and plant a root of bitterness at a young age. These are the children that will be telling others about Jesus and if there are enough of them that come from broken homes, sad and angry places and have deep wounds in their hearts why would they want to serve a God that they think has caused all that. Mission accomplished for the enemy....BUT I want you to know that this is not going to happen. I believe that God is raising up a remnant that is not going to stand for these plans of the enemy, we will not be bitter because of the sorrow that has been brought into our lives, we are not going to let our marriages be pulled apart, we are going to take a stand and let the enemy know that no matter what He is still the one we have chosen to serve and we will teach our children of the depth of GOD's love for us. We serve a powerful God who is trustworthy and does love us.....that is the message that needs to be told and engraved on the hearts of this generation that we are raising. I know that even the short life of Pearl will be a testimony to this generation. What Satan meant to harm us has only made us stronger, it is because we are weak that He is strong. This is all something that I cannot do on my own. I want God to use this and I want him to use us however he needs to. I want to be part of the message of redemption that is at the very heart of God. I want to be a living example of how God can use people who have had the sacred torn form their lives and survive. I don't want the death of Pearl to be for nothing....please God use me.

Perspective, that's what it is all about!

2006-10-05T14:51:00.000-06:00

Well, time for another milestone date in the calendar, 4 months today we said hello and goodbye much to quickly to our baby Pearl. Seems like yesterday and like so long ago all at the same time. I was thinking how at 4 months so much changes with a newborn....they start to babble, move to a 4 hour feeding schedule, sleeping all night consistently, and so much more. Their little personalities start to come out and those cheeks get even more kissable. These are things I am missing today. I am mad that I am not trying on clothes that are 3- 6 month size and boy did we have some cute ones to pass down! I am missing holding her tight in my arms as I do the 4 o'clock shuffle around the house. Strange how when I close my eyes and think of her she is still curled up in my arms with her lovie on her cheek. I know tonight I will hold her lovie even tighter than normal because it has been 4 months since she touched it.

At the same time I am also praying that this 4 month mark will be a milestone mark in our lives without Pearl. I know that each part of her is woven deep in our hearts and we will never forget, but there are moments that I can think of her and not cry. Our hearts are being made whole again....not just this quivering mass of bleeding flesh but a heart that is being firmly held by Jesus and being made whole again. We are longing to continue to see things from an eternal perspective not from this cloudy view that we see things here. I cringe when I hear people talk about the things that ruin their day.....I had someone tell me that I took all the fun out of them being pregnant and being able to tell people about it because I told my sister she was pregnant!!! Let me tell you what takes the fun out a pregnancy...or maybe I shouldn't. I want to remember to keep a realistic perspective on the events that happen in life. I look around my house and think of the things that use to bother me and ruin my day and I just smile at the dust on the dining room table, snicker at the water spots on the faucet in the bathroom...then I turn around and decide to go and read some more with my kids. I don't want to let the little things ruin my day...I want to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and run away from the things that would hinder my ability to see Him clearly. I am thankful that Pearl was here to teach me these life lessons and I pray that others will see the importance of an eternal perspective too. Let's be real with eachother, let's make people feel comfortable enough to share their real hearts and not be afraid to cry with those that are crying and laugh when they are laughing.

I know there are those that are crying with me today and missing Pearl with us.....I hope that they are taking a good 4 month picture of her in heaven today because I can't wait to see her. Early this morning as I lay in bed I was remembering what it was like as I held her and watched as her heart stopped breathing.....I wondered again what it was like when she saw Jesus for the first time and I was longing once again for her to take me by the hand and take me to Jesus. I can't wait to run my hands through those black curls and have her show me around. We miss you Pearl and here is a big kiss for those soft, sweet cheeks from mama and daddy. We love you
PS- Josh and I both have our Pearl tattoos now....he got his last Friday night on his arm, it is Kanji for daughter and I got mine 3 weeks after she was born! She is permanently engraved on our hearts as well as our bodies now!

She's dancing...

2006-09-23T20:04:00.000-06:00

This afternoon we got the call that Grandma ran into the arms of Jesus at 5:04pm. Our hearts received this news with so many mixed emotions. Sad, jealous, happy....and many others. As we talked about who she was to us we were reminded of her sweet and gentle spirit. She loved so big and so well. We will miss her so much...but then we are reminded of who she is with. I think tonight she is dancing with Jesus, Grandpa Joe and Pearl. Do you think they have video cameras in heaven? I would love to see that one when I get there....until then we can only wait patiently and continue to live the example she set for us.

Great Grandma Eccles

2006-09-23T14:18:00.000-06:00

Josh's grandma has been so sick with cancer for over a year and this past week has been really hard. She was admitted to the hospital on Sunday and we were told that she was not going to make it through the day. Well, here we are on Saturday and she has still not run into the arm's of Jesus. She is a fighter with a strong heart! I wish I was there to quietly whisper in her ear,"Grandma, He's waiting for you. Do you see Pearl...she's there too and Grandpa Joe is holding her. They're waiting to take you by the hand to go meet Jesus. There is a party that is waiting to start as they welcome you home. Pearl has already looked around for a bit and she can't wait to hold your big, soft hand and take you to her favorite spots. Can you smell the sweetness? Can you wiggle your toes and feel the soft ground you will be standing on? Grandpa Joe has your place all ready and he wants to hold you again. But, most of all Jesus is waiting for you...he wants you to dance for him and he wants to show you how he loves you....Go home grandma....kiss my baby for me. We love you"

TV time....

2006-09-23T12:15:00.000-06:00

Here is my toothless 1st grader! His teeth are so cute...some big and some small! Yes, I am no longer blonde. I decided I needed a change in my hair for fall...
Another fall season of TV has begun and I actually sat down and watched a show on Thursday night....drum roll please....UNINTERRUPTED! So great to sit by myself with the remote in my hand and in control of the FF button as the commercials came on. Hmmm, do I have some issues? Anyway...I was not prepared for how this show was going to move me. Grey's Anatomy was the show that I was watching and was teary for most of the time. I do like this show because of the complexity to each person...makes me think, unlike so much of what else is on TV. Each character was going through so much, but the whole episode was about time and what we do with the time that we have been given. I have obviously been thinking a lot about time and how that small word affects every area of our lives. I was especially relating to Izzy....at the end of last season her fiancee died from some medical complications. She was laying on her bathroom floor for most of the episode talking and replaying so many of the memories that were coming back to her. She was in the same clothes she wore when her finance died. As I listened to her talk, I began to realize that I think so many of the same things....What am I going to do now? Why does is seem like I am the only one moving in slow motion and the rest of the world is spinning by? Why does this hurt so bad? She did not want to change her dress because that was what she had on the last time she saw Denny. I started crying as I remembered coming home from the hospital without Pearl and not wanting to change my shirt that she was laying against, not wanting to change my bra because there was still blood on it firm the delivery and not wanting to wash the lovie that I had with me because Pearl had touched it and I had wiped her face with it. I so could relate to wanting everything to stay the same. But, it does not....time does move on, if we are ready or not. By the end of the show Izzy slowly stood up and said,"I'm ready" and Meredith unzipped her dress for her. I too am getting off the bathroom floor and saying, "I'm ready". I don't want this world to pass me by, I want to be a part of what God is doing....I'm ready for whatever comes my way...only because when I am weak He is strong, and man am I ever weak. Oh, by the way, I still have not washed Pearl's lovie and the bra I had on at her delivery still has so much of her on it...it is in my box and will never be washed. PS- Go download the Mat Kearney song "All I Need" , close your eyes and breathe......

Is this a break in a clouds....

2006-09-19T13:21:00.000-06:00

I am doing a Pre-K homeschool with O this year and loving it! He is so hungry to learn and I have loved having him home with me and not having to share my little ray of sunshine with anyone! Painting is his favorite and each warm day we will paint outside...painting inside is not my favorite!
The last few days I have been feeling a bit better....I think. It is almost as if I am holding my breath waiting for the hole to appear in front of my feet. I am hoping that my feet are making their way to the greener pastures and moving out of the darkest part of the valley. I know that there will be dark days every now and then with those shadows that seem to haunt me at times, but maybe just maybe I am out of the darkest part. Not sure what is making this a bit more bearable, but maybe I am actually feeling the prayers of some of my friends. I know so many are praying for me and I am feeling a bit of that strength. I finally feel like I am going to make it.....I have a few new friends that are on this journey with me and I know that has helped to make this burden lighter. I am seeing how much He really does love me even in the midst of the hardest times. "I ask him to strengthen you by his Spirit- not a brute strength but a glorious inner strength- that Christ will live in you as you open the door and invite him in. And I ask him that with both feet planted firmly on love, you'll be able to take in with all Christians the extravagant dimensions of Christ's love. Reach out and experience the breadth! Test it's length! Plumb the depth's! Rise to the heights! Live full lives, full in the fullness of God. " Ephesians 3:14-19

Another day...

2006-09-13T17:00:00.000-06:00

It all seems to be going way to fast...and in some ways much to slow. I took Z to her first ballet class last week....how did she get to be so big? My little ballerina continues to melt my heart daily! I am trying to get out more and let people know where my heart has been and where it is going. Each day I find myself being so thankful for the new friends that God has brought into my life since Pearl has been here. What a gift it is to me to have people around me that understand how I feel. Now...this next comment does not pertain to all of my friends I had before Pearl...just some. But, I must say some of my old friends are the ones that feel farthest away from me. I try to tell them how I am feeling and it is almost as if it scares them. My friends who have had tragedies in their lives are the ones that seem to get it. My friends who have never treated me any different also get it too....they treat me as "just Laura" who is just a little more sad then usual. Did I do this to myself by not being around a lot of people for the last 4 months? I guess people have kind of forgotten and moved on...which is alright, people need to get on with their lives and I really am fine with that. But, I am on a different path than I was before March 22nd and I will never again be on the same road that I was on before. Not that I miss that other road...but, I do sort of miss who I was before that. More carefree, joyful, rested, not skeptical, content and with a few less wrinkles. How do I reconnect with those who have not followed me closely on this journey? How can I let go of my hurt that so many don't seem to understand where I am? I can't expect everyone to try to know how I feel ......I need to lower my expectations. I need to just go with how I am feeling and not let others dictate how I should act. I so want others to feel comfortable around me and I want to be with some of my old friends. Maybe to much time has gone by and things will never be the same.....I guess that is my own fault. I love the new friends that God has brought to me and pray that I will be able to be a good friend to them too. As well as continue to be a good friend to my old friends too. Just remember when you are talking to someone who is in the midst of grieving...just be yourself, there are no words needed just a big hug and to let them know you are thinking of them and really care about them. I hope I am learning to in this process how to be a better friend to those who are grieving. This is just another piece of what it means to bury a child. I know that I look at so many things differently. I know I hug R,O&Z tighter everyday and each day try to remember all the details of my precious Pearl...how we miss her. The ache is getting better somedays and I feel as if just the thought of her doesn't make me cry in an instant. That feels good to be able to control some of the tears. Still so looking forward to the day we will hold her in our arms again.....with all of our family and friends around us....loving all 6 of us.

3 months

2006-09-07T22:02:00.000-06:00

On Tuesday the 5th it was 3 months since out little visitor from heaven was here. In the mail that day we received the pictures we had taken as a family the week before she was born. These are so special because this is all we have of all 6 of us! I can hardly believe it has been that long and at the same time I look at the calendar and think how short that really feels. So much has changed since then....I know I even physically look different. Ok, not just the fact that there is no longer a baby in there, but my eyes just feel like they look sad. I hate the way I see things with sad eyes now. I know that is going to get better eventually.....I will be able to look at babies and other pregnant mamas without being sad, but maybe I'll never be able to look at them without that crook in my arm aching. I think that the twinge in the crook of my arm must be what phantom limb pain is.....such a strange sensation. Even my other 3 kids look different, they look so much more grown up to me when I think all they have seen in the past 3 months of their lives. They are so brave and I am so proud of them. Today Oliver was home with one of the girls in our neighborhood while I went to go get Roark from school. When I came home Oliver told me he showed the girls "Pearl's movie" because he wanted to show them his baby sister. He is so proud of her and who she is to our family...he has no shame in the fact that she is no longer here physically in our home...he just loves her. That melted my heart that he is not afraid to talk about her to others....this challenged me as well because I would rather just hide out at home than have to go places, run into people and answer questions! Am I dishonoring Pearl by staying holed up? Am I making the wrong decision by choosing to stay in so I can avoid the stares and avoid making others feel uncomfortable with me? Do I need to be like Oliver and just get out there and not be afraid? I guess it is just hard to be putting myself physically out there. I know that with each day God is shaping us to be who he wants us to be....even as time goes by and the floodwaters recede, we are seeing around us the new landscape that our lives have become. It is now up to us what we will do with that......will I share this new land with others? Will I water it and make it an inviting place? Will I let it dry up and become barren? Whatever decision I make I want to honor the life of my precious baby as well as honor The One who is carrying us on this journey.

2006-09-04T13:26:00.000-06:00

We went on a great hike yesterday......the boys did the whole 2 miles with no complaining and J had Z in a backpack the whole time! Actually J may have complained more than the boys did about the little princess that he was carrying. I know she had a great time having her daddies undivided attention all day. I wonder how many times he heard the ABC's? I was just watching the whole scene from the back and all the sudden I was once again overcome by the obvious.....there was one of us missing. It seems as if these family outings have a gaping hole in them....I miss the fact that there should be a baby with us. I should have been carrying Pearl in a Bijorn and having to stop to nurse her in the great outdoors. When will the obvious hole be less painful? When will I not be looking around and feel like something is missing? However, as we walked in such a beautiful setting I was reminded of how wide, how deep and how long God's love is for us......we are never missing from his sight even on some of those days we feel forgotten. We had a peaceful time as a family....now if only I could bottle up that feeling and bring it to my house with me to carry me through the "everydayness" of it all. I guess all I need to do is look at those 4 beautiful smiles that are looking at me each day and know that Pearl is smiling at the face of Jesus too......then that peace will continue to be there. I know that all in my head I just need my heart to catch up with all that.....just going to take time!

2006-09-01T16:44:00.000-06:00

Ever feel like eating a bug? I guess R did! He is my brave one that is always pushing the limits....but very carefully. I love how he lives life....always looking for the next adventure but careful to calculate the risk as well as the reward. He knew this would make a great picture, but not a great experience....chomping on a bug. I guess this is kind of like life too....not everything is as it seems. This time that we are going through has always been one of my greatest fears...having to bury one of my own children. But, I am living through my greatest fear....I am living and I will continue to live. That is why this is not as is seems it should be....if the devil had his way I would have let this kill me and not have me asking God to tell my heart what my head knows is true. Yes, there are days I want to be done with all of this and I am still so profoundly sad, but I am going to make it. I have to tell myself this often...God is trustworthy and will take care of me. Hmmmm maybe I'll go and have a bug for dinner!

What I did today

2006-08-30T17:06:00.000-06:00

Today I....

cried
smiled when my 2 year old princess came downstairs wearing her brothers underwear and shirt
talked on the phone to my most precious friend for sooo long!
smiled
laundry
made lunch
read
cried
laundry
took a shower
stood and laughed as I watched my 2 year old daughter wrtie all over herself with purple marker
made banana bread
laundry
signed up for The Walk to Remember in October....just for Pearl
cried
talked with my husband
cried
put duct tape on the warts we are trying to get rid of on my 5 year olds body
sat and smiled as I watched my kids play outside together!

Tomorrow I will try to do much of the same and maybe a little more laughing in between....at least there was no large glasses of wine involved in my day! Maybe later ;)

In my arms

2006-08-26T20:09:00.000-06:00

I held a baby for the first time since Pearl died, on Thursday this week. I was with a friend who has 6 month old and was staring at him in front of me for a while. Before I knew it the words, "Can I hold him?" were out of my mouth. I couldn't beleive it. I had him in my arms and snuggled in on my shoulder in a second. All of the sudden the sobs began to wrack my body.....I then felt that physical ache in my arms again to hold a baby. I physically remembered again what it was like to hold my Pearl as my chin rested on her head....I could feel that black curly hair rubbing on my cheek. I guess the good thing was this baby boy is bald or I may have run off with him ;) My arms so ache to have a baby in them again and patting that precious butt with my hand. As I was sobbing I apologized to my friend and her baby just nuzzled his face in my neck. It was a good few minutes for me to have a baby in my arms. I am so looking forward to the day I will have another one in my arms.....are we really going to do this again? Will that emptiness in my arms ever go away? Maybe for a second that day my arms felt full again.

How are you?

2006-08-26T20:01:00.000-06:00

Why is that question so hard for people to ask when they know that the answer is not going to be a quick answer of "good"? I have been out a few times lately talking about wines, gourmet food, work, sports music and money. Absoultely none of those things truly interest me right now....I guess those things must have interested me at one point, but last night I was waiting for the black birds to come flying through the window at any time and start pecking my eyes out.....then I would have had a reason for the tears to come out that were welling up on the inside. I can hardly handle the surface conversations anymore. Life is to short to not use the time you have in making real investments in peoples lives. I did try to participate in the conversation with some questions for them and so wanted them to just ask us how we were. I felt as if I was going to burst into tears at any second.....they knew what we had just been through and did anyone care what kind of effort it takes for me to actually get out of the house? I didn't want to talk about how my dying baby looked or anything else that would make them uncomfortable, I just wanted to be asked how I was. What is so hard about that? Asking me that question will not make me suddenly remember what I have just been through, it is nearly all I think about. That question will not make me sad, I already am sad. That question will only make me feel like you care and have out aside your own discomfort with grief to see how I really am feeling. I promise when I ask that question of others that I will not have a quick response planned out, but be ready to listen with a compassionate heart. "How are you?" is an important question that needs to be asked and honestly answered......I know this all may sound like I want everything to be all about me, but I don't. I just want it to be about cultivating good, solid relationships with people. All of us need more of those kind of relationships in our lives.

Oh the questions!

2006-08-24T14:10:00.000-06:00

Does anyone have a 5 year old that is constantly asking for things? I do! He is in the middle ring of this circus and keep us all showered in kisses as will as drowning in questions. From the moment he wakes up, "What are we going to do today? What are we having for breakfast? Can we go to Chuckie Cheese?" All of these questions are asked before I have time to wipe the sleep out of my eyes. Even when we are doing something really fun he asks, "Mom can we go here?" I look at him, smile and say, "We are here Oliver, go play!" His last words at night to me sometimes are, "What are we having for breakfast?" He has the best heart but is learning to be content with what he has. Today as he was asking me for the 10th time if he could have treat (it was only 0830)...I yelled at him a loud no and walked quietly into my room for a moment of peace. I was then wondering if that is how God feels sometimes.....when we are constantly asking questions of him, "God, why is this happening to me? God, why can't I be holding Pearl right now? God, what are you doing to me? God, when am I going to be better? God, will you protect my other kids?" Maybe as I am asking all these questions as Oliver speed he is taking a deep breath and telling me to be content with where he is leading me. Just like we tell Oliver to be still and trust us, we will always take care of him, maybe God is telling me the same thing today.....although he probably didn't yell at me! Hmmmmm

I guess I am ready to dive into this!

2006-08-24T09:25:00.000-06:00

I have been reading so many other blogs and decided I need one too! I have a lot to write about and maybe this will be a legit excuse for not cleaning! We'll see how it goes.